Still deeply in love with an old flame :) and always will be


My ex girlfriend from several years ago has recently gotten back in contact with me. I still feel that I am deeply in love with her and always will be, but she has found someone new and appears to be very happy with him. While I’m certainly not jealous of this guy (I want her to be happy! and I’m happy being her friend!) I still never rule out the possibility of someday being with her again and refuse to let go of my love for her. and quite frankly a sinister part of me WANTS her to be with me again at the cost of this new guy

Is it a sin to do this? Adultery sets the tone that its a very serious sin to mess around :eek: (or want to mess around for that matter hahaha) with someone else’s girl, but in a way I feel I have the right to feel this way and don’t realistically think they’ll be together for too much longer. After all theyre not married or anything! and in a way I also know that I could never, ever love anyone the way I loved her. After we split up I went from one meaningless and pointless relationship to another and finally gave up on trying to love again the way I did with her. :frowning:

so really where do I stand? Is it wrong for me to hope that someday we’ll be together again while she currently is with this new guy?


I think the best thing is to pray for God’s will and blessing upon each of you, the girl, the current boyfriend, and yourself. Send only blessing. Trust that if God wishes you two together He will let that unfold. If God doesn’t wish it, however much you want to be with her, it would turn out badly, because God knows what you cannot know.

You asked if it was adultery to wish for her. Perhaps you do not mean adultery, but a wish for her to be your wife. Jesus said, ‘Regarding adultery, "You have heard that it was said, “You shall not commit adultery.” But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already commited adultery with her in his heart.’ Matthew 5: 27-28. The girl isn’t married so you may hope that things will work out for you as long as it is in the desire for God’s will for your lives. “Thy Will be done.”

"You shall not covet your neighbour’s house; you shall not covert your neighbour’s wife, or his manservant, or his maidservant, or his ox, or his donkey, or anything that is your neighbours. "Exodus 20: 17. That would also mean her.

Your feeling that the couple won’t stay together is your assessment, not truth, therefore doesn’t justify anything…but I join with you in asking God that if He knows that it is mutually beneficial for you two to be together, then let it be so. I ask Him to help you keep your motives and actions pure, and I ask the Holy Spirit that you will pray for the three of you. I do hope that God will give you peace and happines in your life, and this girl whom you love also,

Bless you, Trishie :slight_smile:


I prayed for my ex to be happy with her new boyfriend, even though I dearly wanted her to be with me instead. I think you need to do the same. You need to pray for her to be happy and blessed, and for her to be a blessing to others, whatever God decides that that means. Thank God for having made her, and for having brought her into your life. On a personal note, thank Him also that she is still in your life as a friend, not everybody gets that privilege.

As an aside, my ex broke up with her new boyfriend, and I received an apology soon after for the way she’d spoken to me after the breakup. It’s not reconciliation, it’s not even friendship, but it is better than it might have been. God will guide her where He wants her to be, and me likewise, if our paths cross again, well and good, and if not, that’s God’s will.

But don’t pray for God to make her happy SO THAT she’ll come back to you, pray for it because you want her to be happy, and because you want God’s will to be done, anything else is just hypocrisy.

You need to decide whether this friendship is healthy for both of you, and if not, tell her, and tell her why. Maybe she’ll realise something about how much she values you. Maybe not. Don’t go on burning with desire for someone you can’t have and who isn’t right for you, it will just burn you up. I’m speaking from experience here.


Well, there you go.Here is your problem.

You are **refusing **to let go of your “love” for her. Therefore you are **refusing **God’s gifts that He may want to bring into your life.

This refusal of yours is an act of your will. You can also choose to move on.

Honestly, it’s not healthy to hang on to a relationship that has been over for several years. She is not interested in a relationship with you.

Perhaps some individual counseling can help you move on.


Pray for her…and yourself. Ask for God’s will to be done. Works every time!!!


I’m leaning towards what 1ke is saying here. To not covet, is a Commandment. This isn’t about adultery, it’s more about your thoughts of coveting. Yes, she’s not married, but she is pursuing another relationship. Not sure why she felt the need to share that with you, but seeing that she did, I would try to just pray for her and him, and pray for God to guide you to whereever He wants.

I would ask God to bring you peace, because dwelling on romantic ghosts of time past is never healthy. I wish you the best of luck, but I think you should work on letting go. :o



All people (myself included) have at one point or another decided that “I want what I want so that makes it right”. It is a humbling experience to let go of that which you desire most in order to allow God to work in your life.

If you continue to do your own will don’t bother complaining when things don’t work out and you feel like God has abandoned you… He would never do that…but He will respect a door closed in His face and will not enter until we open it to Him.


still deeply in love with an old flame :slight_smile: and always will be

So you say now, but you’ll see in a while. It’s surprising how fast you can get over someone if you don’t really try. I’ve met old flames too. Granted, not seen for a while, when you’re single and they seem to seek contact, they do appear attractive and some things revive. However, after a while it generally gets back to normal. :stuck_out_tongue:


Did she just call you out of the blue? If so, I believe that means one of two things:

  1. She’s not over you either. Even though she “seems” happy in her new relationship - she obvously hasn’t let go of you completely and she called you because she has realized her new boyfriend doesn’t measure up to you. People in great relationships usually don’t look up old flames just to say hi … unless:

  2. She’s not a faithful person. Although she intends to remain with her new boyfriend, she’s curious if you still have feelings for her and maybe she wants a friendship/flirt/ make her new boyfriend jealous sort of thing with you?

At any rate, you can’t carry a torch for somebody’s else’s girlfriend. Although I suppose it can’t hurt to lay your feelings out there for her so she knows, you should not date her or take any more phone calls if she’s involved with someone else.

You think you are still in love with her… but if you broke up, obviously the relationship had it’s problems. It’s funny how our memories of our former loves can get better and better as time goes by. Trust me… I’m old and I’ve been there, done that.

Best of luck to you.


hahaha okay guys I understand :slight_smile: What I was trying to say with this whole thing is, for the past couple years I flat out gave up on ever being with her again. Now I’m not exactly* giving up* in the same sense as before, but yes for the record I am wishing her well with her new boyfriend but Im not gonna give up on the possibility just yet.
Our friendship is very healthy, and its brought a lot of happiness into my life so far anyway. The feeling is mutual (or at least it sure seems that way! lol). I think we are both happy to have each other in our lives again and we can truly value each other just for who we are :slight_smile:

I love her a great deal, but not necessarily all erotically. I also love her immensely as a human being, as a friend, and as a sister in christ. and I think that’s necessary if you’re going to truly love someone. (Though of course I am still very young and have much to learn about that) lol

thank you guys for your input thus far


Reed…Dude, Their are hundreds of girls, no thousands of girls looking for a descent guy. Do not let these ladies sit on the bench.

  1. Stay focused on you and your studies. (I’m not sure what your major is, to have this much time on your hands, fretting about an old girl friend)

  2. If you bump into someone who is not interested in dating, the first thought in your mind should be, Next!:cool: Most ladies by Jr. or Sr. yr. will think more seriously about relationships and what they are going to be doing after college.

  3. The ladies love a decent guy with a good future.:wink:


Its hard to let go…Trust me…I know everything :wink:

Kidding, but I know this:

Letting go of the past is one of the most difficult things one can do.

But you have to sometimes. God has a future for you, and perhaps it involves the past, but perhaps not.

I myself once felt for an “old flame” and I could tell she was heading that way too. However, she could tell this wasn’t what was supposed to happen, so she linked me to a clip on youtube. It was a scene int he movie “Walk the Line” when Johnny and June were singing "It ain’t me, babe"
That convinced the both of us for some reason.

However, I’m not going to sit here and tell you what God wants. ITs up to you to discern that yourself.
Good luck!!:slight_smile:


I hear you dolly. Know exactly what you’re talking about too. There is not much I can say except pray, pray, pray. Make a violent effort to take charge of where your thoughts are going. Get involved with a group of people or a hobby that’s entirely new; not necessarily a relationship. I’ll pray for you!


Have you told her how you feel?

I know she’s dating someone else, but so long as they aren’t engaged… maybe if she knew how you felt… ?


DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit