Still not married


#1

I am almost 38 (days away) and still not married. Does anyone else find that the more they grow in their faith and knowledge of it, the more difficult it becomes to find the person you will marry? To even meet people? Do you ever feel ostracized and alone (left out of social circles) because of your faith, because of your Catholicism? Is it even that important to find a Catholic to marry or would it simply be more prudent to pray, asking God, to marry the kind of person that God would have me marry? (Catholic or not?)

What to do? What to do?

How did you married folks deal with this, or did the whole marriage thing just eventually sort of happen?


#2

[quote="woodland_poet, post:1, topic:224459"]
I am almost 38 (days away) and still not married. Does anyone else find that the more they grow in their faith and knowledge of it, the more difficult it becomes to find the person you will marry?

[/quote]

Well, sure. It's easy to get married when your standards are low. But, you reap what you sow.

[quote="woodland_poet, post:1, topic:224459"]
To even meet people?

[/quote]

No, not at all.

[quote="woodland_poet, post:1, topic:224459"]
Do you ever feel ostracized and alone (left out of social circles) because of your faith, because of your Catholicism?

[/quote]

No, not at all.

[quote="woodland_poet, post:1, topic:224459"]
Is it even that important to find a Catholic to marry or would it simply be more prudent to pray, asking God, to marry the kind of person that God would have me marry? (Catholic or not?)

[/quote]

Marry in haste, repent in leisure. I know many, many people who have gotten married in order to not-be-single only to regret it as they chose poorly. Yes, if you marry you should marry a Catholic who shares your faith and practice of the faith.

[quote="woodland_poet, post:1, topic:224459"]
What to do? What to do?

[/quote]

I was 38 and DH 44 when we married. We met through Ave Maria Singles online. The internet has many bad aspects, but it has some very good ones too. The ability to meet quality, like-minded Catholics has helped many Catholics form faithful families.


#3

I’m 20 and not married but this is an open forum so… deal with it :stuck_out_tongue:

I don’t think the two are related. I think it’s more a case of - the more you grow in your faith, the less you are attracted to the same people [people, things, activities, ideas, it goes for most things]. It’s almost like starting over again. It can be difficult in this secular world to find someone who wants to grow in their faith too as well as helping you grow.

To even meet people?

I meet a lot of people. People I would like to date or marry? 0.01% of them yes. The rest, no. But I believe that goes for everybody with some standards, Catholic or not.

Do you ever feel ostracized and alone (left out of social circles) because of your faith, because of your Catholicism?

Yup. All the time. Mostly by choice. I would rather spend a lifetime alone than associate with guys who talk about their disgusting sexual exploits all the time etc.

Is it even that important to find a Catholic to marry or would it simply be more prudent to pray, asking God, to marry the kind of person that God would have me marry? (Catholic or not?)

It would be prudent to think less about the who and what and when and where. Focus more on becoming who you want to be, and who God wants you to be. The right man will come along, and he will probably be Catholic.

What to do? What to do?

Be patient. Relax.
Be open to the possibility that marriage is not your vocation - religious life or single life/celibacy for God’s glory might be your calling.
Pray to St. Gabriel (might be St. Raphael though, I always forget)
Be the person God wants you to be
Pray, hope, don’t worry.


#4

[quote="woodland_poet, post:1, topic:224459"]
I am almost 38 (days away) and still not married. Does anyone else find that the more they grow in their faith and knowledge of it, the more difficult it becomes to find the person you will marry? To even meet people? Do you ever feel ostracized and alone (left out of social circles) because of your faith, because of your Catholicism? Is it even that important to find a Catholic to marry or would it simply be more prudent to pray, asking God, to marry the kind of person that God would have me marry? (Catholic or not?)

What to do? What to do?

How did you married folks deal with this, or did the whole marriage thing just eventually sort of happen?

[/quote]

Personally I would say being 38 and not married would be infinitely better than marrying young and making a huge mistake. I did the latter and received a declaration of nullity in 2010. I have a 13 year old daughter. I have not needed our Lord to provide crosses for me, I created my own. Don't ever put an age on marriage. When you marry (assuming it is a valid sacrament) it is for life. You will be with this person at 38 and 68 and possibly 98. The newness of love will wear off, your looks and much of what you thought were important when you were younger will also fade. That's when real love begins. I guess what I'm trying to point out is that your age should have nothing to do with whether or not you're married. If you are certain your vocation is marriage, you must place your trust in God's will for your life. He has a plan that is being fulfilled, and it may not be happening as you would like. Stay close to his heart and listen for his guidance.

The difficulty you mention in meeting people or finding someone to marry may be true. I find at my age very few people who are faithful to the teachings of the Catholic church. It is difficult to live our faith in this day and age and not feel different. God calls us to a radical life in the world, where our beliefs are shunned as outdated or unattractive. To paraphrase Saint Catherine of Siena, "if you are what you should be, you will set the whole world on fire". All we can do is continue to live as examples of Christ to the world, and ask for the grace of consolation from him. You will find nothing in this world like it to help you. Take refuge in him who will be your eternity. Peace :)


#5

I was 29 and my husband 38 when we got married. We both are mature in our faith and was not going to marry just anyone.

Keep up the high standards! The Lord will bless you. Try to get to the point where you are satisfied with the life the Lord has given to you and continue to pray the Lord sends you the right person.

I will be praying for you.


#6

I am 31 and single, I think that as a PP said your standards change. You are no longer attracted or willing to accept some things that would have been no big deal before.

I would say to meet other people participate as best you can in you Faith Community, I know this is not easy, believe me I do but try and do not feel discourage if you think you are meeting the wrong people. An acquaintance of mine recently advised me you never know who has brothers, cousins, sons and grandsons, friends or knows someone who does be happy for everyone you meet (I paraphrased a little bit). I have had a lot of people saying hello to me lately because they have seen me here or there, Daily Mass, etc and I don't know who they know or what the Lord has in mind for me. You don't know what He has in mind for you so hold on and keep hoping and praying.


#7

Just look at it like this. You are letting all the other people get married make all the mistakes - post threads and learn from them - myself included. Just know that sometimes it is best to have sat back and waited for the right one you will be rewarded. Hey even at almost 30 I had thought I had found the right one but I ended up with someone who was a night mare. Take your time - God has a purpose for you - you just don’t know what it is yet. When you find it; it will be better than anything you can ever imagine. It doesn’t mean that you might not have to go through some painful times first. God bless you.


#8

I got married at the age of 29. I just turned 30 this past month.

I didn’t date a lot of men. I totally gave up dating at the age of 19 and stayed in that state for about two years. I fought against any developing interest I’d have for men because I knew deep down my heart was wounded and that I needed God to heal me before I was in any emotional state to be date-worthy. I eventually discerned that I needed to stop squashing interests after two years of that, but overall continued to take a very passive approach to dating. I took the advise of St. Paul:

“Are you free of a wife [or husband]? Then do not look for a wife [or husband]. If you marry, however, you do not sin, nor does an unmarried woman sin if she marries … I should like you to be free of anxieties. … An unmarried woman … is anxious about the things of the Lord, so that she may be holy in both body and spirit. A married woman, on the other hand, is anxious about the things of the world, how she may please her husband. I am telling you this for your own benefit, not to impose a restraint upon you, but for the sake of propriety and adherence to the Lord without distraction.” 1 Corinthians 7: 27-35

My mom however wanted me to meet someone and after I graduated from FUS, kept registering me on Catholic singles sites. I felt this encouraged a discontent heart in myself. I needed to serve God here in the now. But, deep down I knew my heart longed for marriage and deep down I knew I wasn’t meeting anyone to date outside of the couple dates a year I went on with a few handful of people I met on these Catholic single’s sites. I eventually prayed about it and switched over to Avemariasingles so that I could just have a profile out there, maybe search when I knew it wasn’t out of a discontent and restless heart and live the rest of my life not worrying about marriage.

About a month before I met my husband, I wrote in my spiritual journal this: "I hand over to You my desires for a spouse – this time not expecting You to destroy them, but simply entrusting them to You. Here is my heart. Take care of it. I belong to You.” I knew putting it entirely in God’s hands was a way of letting go. Somehow I finally found the grace not to antogonize over whether God would ever call me to marriage. I certainly longed for marriage, but I always felt you could never be certain of that vocation until it was your vocation. It involved meeting someone. Till I met someone, I just couldn’t be sure if my desire was some misplaced emotion or something God had truly put in my heart.

I think its very important not to be restless about your state in life, nor to be envous of what others have. I’ve heard other Catholic singles talk about how they need to get on the ball with finding someone if they know they’re called to marriage. All I can say is that every time I prayed, it seemed very important for me not to obsess about marriage.

Besides, like it or not, marriage is not there to solve your problems. Its a vocation of service, not a solution to a discontent heart. I think it was wise of God to keep me single so long. I think its wise also when some people aren’t called to marriage at all. Its a very large responsibility. We should all strive to serve God to the best of our abilities rather than waiting for our life to begin after we’re married.


#9

Dear Woodland Poet, and everyone who has written on this thread.
Thanks so much for this wonderful thread. Its profoundly helpful and beneficial
and I feel many of you have true wisdom to share.
I am also unmarried at 28 and feel that I am, in my choices and thoughts and actions,
too much motivated by fear of being alone or being unlovely.
You all remind me that freedom and wisdom and trust in the Lord is a much better approach to all this than distrust and desperation...
God bless you all :)


#10

[quote="woodland_poet, post:1, topic:224459"]
I am almost 38 (days away) and still not married. Does anyone else find that the more they grow in their faith and knowledge of it, the more difficult it becomes to find the person you will marry? To even meet people? Do you ever feel ostracized and alone (left out of social circles) because of your faith, because of your Catholicism? Is it even that important to find a Catholic to marry or would it simply be more prudent to pray, asking God, to marry the kind of person that God would have me marry? (Catholic or not?)

What to do? What to do?

How did you married folks deal with this, or did the whole marriage thing just eventually sort of happen?

[/quote]

What to do? Pray, discern, take your concerns and wishes to Jesus in adoration. And have faith, total absolute faith, that God has a plan for you.

I was 30 when I got married. A couple of months before I met my husband, I discerned marriage was my vocation and then I turned it all over to God. I was no longer going to second guess His timing. I submitted completely to God's will and was quite excited how to was going to unfold for me.

I do have an example not to give up hope. My husband's best friend, age 40, just got engaged on Christmas to a girl he only met at the age of 39. They are truly a perfect match, both Catholic. I watched this friend never bend his standards or water down his faith to have a girlfriend, there were some years he didn't date at all. They have been a wonderful example to even me, being married for over 12 years, about having total faith that God has a perfect plan for all of us.


#11

[quote="woodland_poet, post:1, topic:224459"]
I am almost 38 (days away) and still not married. Does anyone else find that the more they grow in their faith and knowledge of it, the more difficult it becomes to find the person you will marry? To even meet people? Do you ever feel ostracized and alone (left out of social circles) because of your faith, because of your Catholicism? Is it even that important to find a Catholic to marry or would it simply be more prudent to pray, asking God, to marry the kind of person that God would have me marry? (Catholic or not?)

[/quote]

I never actually am ostracised and left out of circles, I believe the opposite is true. People can be very kind to me. On the other hand, it does come in the way of clicking with the ladies when premarital relations or cohabitation are out of the question and I wouldn't somehow be entirely happy in a relationship with someone who didn't share the same values, even if willing to act by mine and wait. There's particularly the problem of bringing up children in the future, where I believe the parents should form a unified front. This and I certainly am not attracted to a woman on the only basis that she's a practicing Catholic in conformity with the Magisterium--I still need the chemistry, the shared interests, the some kind of kinship feeling. ;)


#12

[quote="chevalier, post:11, topic:224459"]
I never actually am ostracised and left out of circles, I believe the opposite is true. People can be very kind to me. On the other hand, it does come in the way of clicking with the ladies when premarital relations or cohabitation are out of the question and I wouldn't somehow be entirely happy in a relationship with someone who didn't share the same values, even if willing to act by mine and wait. There's particularly the problem of bringing up children in the future, where I believe the parents should form a unified front. This and I certainly am not attracted to a woman on the only basis that she's a practicing Catholic in conformity with the Magisterium--I still need the chemistry, the shared interests, the some kind of kinship feeling. ;)

[/quote]

You mean you aren't looking for a Stepford Wife????? LOL - think we have found your issue - you are too picky. ;)


#13

I was married pretty young 24 and my bride was 20. Now 31 happy years later I know God placed us in each others path. Getting married is not a race, but rather having God place you in the hands of the right person.

I would recommend getting involved with groups that are likeminded to yourself, volunteering, sports, vacations etc that match up with your own spirituality.


#14

I am also months away from 38 and unmarried, but only because when I was 22 I was afraid I would become an old maid, so I ignored a lot of red flags and married a man who turned out to be abusive.

The right person will be worth the wait, as hard as it may be now. I can only hope that I get a second chance.


#15

It's the meeting people that's challenging for me. I really don't have viable means to do so. I'm 32 and single, always have been single. Basically, Monday - Friday, I don't have any opportunity. By the time I get home from work it's 6:00pm and that looks to be even later due to my commute getting longer. There are no women to meet at work and I don't work with the public so meeting women through work isn't viable. On weekends, I go pursue some of my hobbies which definitely seem to be male centric. Occasionally, some guy will bring a wife/girlfriend or some young girls show up, under 20 years old so that doesn't work. I don't want to say I've given up, but when there doesn't seem to be any viable options . . .


#16

[quote="woodland_poet, post:1, topic:224459"]
I am almost 38 (days away) and still not married. Does anyone else find that the more they grow in their faith and knowledge of it, the more difficult it becomes to find the person you will marry? To even meet people? Do you ever feel ostracized and alone (left out of social circles) because of your faith, because of your Catholicism? Is it even that important to find a Catholic to marry or would it simply be more prudent to pray, asking God, to marry the kind of person that God would have me marry? (Catholic or not?)

What to do? What to do?

How did you married folks deal with this, or did the whole marriage thing just eventually sort of happen?

[/quote]

I know a woman who was quite attractive and a wonderful Christian, who didn't find a husband until she met a widower in her 50's. A few years later he contracted terminal cancer, but the years they had together were very happy.

God will bring what He brings.


#17

When you get married, you are (ideally) going to be sleeping in the same bed, eating at the same dinner table, watching the same TV shows, and sharing your weekends and evenings with this person for the rest of your life.

You need to have a few things in common - one of them is, religion.

Other things you need to have in common are, a similar attitude towards money, similar tastes in food, similar culture, or at least, open to the other person’s Christmas/Easter/4th of July customs, and similar attitudes towards the raising of any children that God might give you.

What to do? What to do?

Pray every day for your future spouse, and every time you feel lonely, write them a letter to say how much you miss them in your life and how you are looking so forward to meeting them. :slight_smile:

How did you married folks deal with this, or did the whole marriage thing just eventually sort of happen?

I am female - I had five guys who were sort of following me around and asking me out off and on. I picked the one I liked best, took him to Church to see how he did and to see how my family reacted to him, found out that our religious beliefs were compatible and that my family liked him, and started dating him full-time. About a year after that, he asked me to marry him, I said “Yes,” we were engaged for 16 months (to raise money for the wedding ceremony and reception - I don’t actually recommend being engaged for that long, although looking back at it, the time zoomed by pretty quickly anyway) - it hasn’t been perfect - in fact at the beginning, it was a pretty wild ride - but we got through some very difficult times together and have become very close. :slight_smile:


#18

I wasted years of my life agitating about getting married. This robbed me of contentment. In fact the single celibate state is superior to the married state because you are better able to devote yourself to the service of God. So you should attend more masses, it would be great if you could find a church that does Vespers or Compline. Pray the whole divine office.

"1 Cor 7 He that is unmarried careth for the things that belong to the Lord, how he may please the Lord: 33 But he that is married careth for the things that are of the world, how he may please his wife"


#19

I can relate t feeling ostricized. I must air a resentment. I too find it hard to meet people. Not just to date but to be friends with. A few days ago, I wrote a post about my concern to call a woman I met at a bus stop (I am a woman so it was simply to develop a friendship) and a lot of people suggested I need therapy just because of that.

So yes, it is hard

CM


#20

I’m 40 and still not married. I think the hardest thing for me was coming to grips with never having children. Not that I always want children…most of the time I’m quite happy without them but being faced with the prospect of it’s likelyhood being low if nonexistant is hard for a woman. I’m a relatively happy single…I have my moments like everyone else but I keep myself busy and try to do for others instead of complaining about things. :wink: It would be wonderful to have a partner in life and someone to share my adventures with but for whatever reason GOD seems to want me to remain single. I do get a lot of stuff from other people who seem to feel being divorced is a superior status to being never married but when I hear them talk about the pain and trouble they went through and are still going through I find it hard to believe making a mistake was better. :eek:


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