A priest who knows about my scrupulosity, when I told him I was afraid that some advice itself might turn into a compulsion, said: “Don’t do anything out of compulsion.”
Of course it can be difficult to overcome scrupulosity. His words have helped me I think, but now I am worried that if I do something out of compulsion I am sinning by being disobedient.
Now: One priest once told me that obedience is of relevance only for monks/priest and for the penance in confession. But in another thread here somebody wrote that if a priest tells me something is a sin and not to do it and I go against it, I have added the sin of disobedience.
This “don’t do anything out of compulsion” - does that now have to be seen as something I have to obey to under the pain of sin? And what if I am not sure if something is compulsive.
Right now I am worried because I decided not to light a candle for something because I felt it would have been a compulsion. So I went away without lighting it. But then kept worrying about it and was afraid I was taking that intention not serious enough - so far that I told God something like that if because of my not lighting that candle something bad would happen to somebody else, I would have to take the same bad upon me or give up a life dream or something like that.
(This is typical. What I call the “dream attackers”. It seems like whenever I have something I feel strongly about, a way that seems right for me, something I enjoy too, “they” try to find things to make me feel guilty about it and ruin it for me.)
I realized I shouldn’t have said something like that. So I went back and lit two candles, one for the original intention and one to pray for peace from scrupulosity etc and ask God for forgiveness.
I am not sure now if I did that out of compulsion or not. I kind of did it because I felt I made a stupid “deal” with God that I wanted to get rid of by lighting the candle anyway.
But somehow it is still compulsion. And I was aware of it. If it was compulsion, it was stronger than the priest’s advice. (Or order??) So did I sin by not obeying now? Or was that statement not binding under obedience?
And then of course now I start being worried that again I took something as too important that is a dream I have in my life, and worry that THAT made me go against obedience, and that makes my dream bad (as in: Aha, that is more important to you than obedience???) But really it was the “dream attackers” that led me, right? But how to be sure?
Did I sin by going back to light those candles?
But if I hadn’t, I know I would have been so worried that I made a stupid deal that I shouldn’t have made.
Do you think I am ok?
I am really feeling bad right now. Very worried. And at the same time I feel like I am on the verge of a change, like I should follow my dreams and listen to the good in me and not worry so much.
But then come the attackers and say “you’re not allowed to have that dream for your life because it has become too important.” This has happened so many times.
Priests and spiritual advisors have told me it is good to take my dreams seriously, to be where there is joy. If it is not something sinful of course. Why am i doing this.
But the most important question for me right now: Have I sinned against obedience because I may have done this out of compulsion?