Stop your spiritual direction...or else


#1

I know I haven’t posted here for a very long while but I just had to bring this situation up to here what other catholics have to say.
Before I got married, I was a spiritual direction having catholic. Loved going for daily masses, saying my rosary, doing my meditation, had a prayer partner with whom I went to the Cisterian monastery with one a month from morning to evening (a guy) and then went either alone or with my close friend (a girl) for the three day retreat at the monastery one a year.
My best friend in college, who knew me so well and we connected so well (a guy) had to remain only as a friend purely because I refuse for it to get to another level since he wasn’t catholic enough. His parents were Anglicans, he went for mass (thanks to our friendship) but the only times we ever differed was on the infallibility of the pope and the non contraceptive use issue and I wasn’t ready to compromise on that in marriage and so I suppressed what even affection I had for him (even though we were so compatible and ordinarily would have lead to a good marriage) cause I wanted to be faithful to the teachings of the church
I married my husband cause he is from a very good catholic background, at the point of courtship behaved as a good catholic and before we got married we agreed we wouldn’t use contraceptives! I choose him to my then best friend because he was more catholic and since being catholic was my life, I believed it was the best thing to do.
Now after marriage, my husband wondn’t keep his own bargain about the none contraception and putting me under pressure and blackmail me cause I would refuse. I gave in twice to the use of condom and after the second time during meditation it was as though My Lord asked me, so now you choose to please your husband rather than me? Made me resolve never to give in again and I feel better for the choice and have been surviving his blackmails.
Moreover after marriage and moving to a different city with my spiritual director also travelling abroad, I had none for almost 4 years in marriage. After praying to God to give me a new spiritual director I found one, he celebrated the mass at the feast of the holy souls last year and his homily indicated that he was really sound catholic wise and spiritual too. Now my husband has given me ultimatums to stop spiritual directions, he said I don’t need to have a spiritual director to be a good Christian (meanwhile he has not gone for confession for almost a year and consequently has not received communion since). But the true reason is that he is not comfortable with me having discussions with anyone on confidential matters in whatever form priest or no priest.
My daily mass attendance which was at about 99.9% pre marriage slided down to 2% post marriage and has now gone up to about 70% since I started spiritual direction. My daily rosary which was at about 9o% pre marriage staggered between 10-0% in marriage and went up to about 80% since I started spiritual direction, same for my meditations, prayer life and co, there has just been great improvement in my spiritual life and now he has told me to stop at the risk of a divorce if I don’t. He said that if I truly love him as I claim, then I should not find it difficult to do this for him. He is currently still insisting.
I have spoke to my spiritual director about it and he made me understand that I had compromised on my relationship with God previously on a number of occasions in order to please my husband and that I need to stand my grounds this time to indicate that I am no longer in a position to compromise my relationship with God for any reason whatsoever on he will continue placing demands on me which will continue to jeopardize my relationship with God.
I totally agree with him.
I know I have a duty to keep my marriage, but I also have a duty to my God plus all those times I compromised I was never really happy. So I just need advice on how to go about this in a most Christ like manner bearing in mind that I really do love my husband but I want to be at peace with my God too.


#2

[quote="Ogo_nwa_maria, post:1, topic:205283"]
I know I haven’t posted here for a very long while but I just had to bring this situation up to here what other catholics have to say.
Before I got married, I was a spiritual direction having catholic. Loved going for daily masses, saying my rosary, doing my meditation, had a prayer partner with whom I went to the Cisterian monastery with one a month from morning to evening (a guy) and then went either alone or with my close friend (a girl) for the three day retreat at the monastery one a year.
My best friend in college, who knew me so well and we connected so well (a guy) had to remain only as a friend purely because I refuse for it to get to another level since he wasn’t catholic enough. His parents were Anglicans, he went for mass (thanks to our friendship) but the only times we ever differed was on the infallibility of the pope and the non contraceptive use issue and I wasn’t ready to compromise on that in marriage and so I suppressed what even affection I had for him (even though we were so compatible and ordinarily would have lead to a good marriage) cause I wanted to be faithful to the teachings of the church
I married my husband cause he is from a very good catholic background, at the point of courtship behaved as a good catholic and before we got married we agreed we wouldn’t use contraceptives! I choose him to my then best friend because he was more catholic and since being catholic was my life, I believed it was the best thing to do.
Now after marriage, my husband wondn’t keep his own bargain about the none contraception and putting me under pressure and blackmail me cause I would refuse. I gave in twice to the use of condom and after the second time during meditation it was as though My Lord asked me, so now you choose to please your husband rather than me? Made me resolve never to give in again and I feel better for the choice and have been surviving his blackmails.
Moreover after marriage and moving to a different city with my spiritual director also travelling abroad, I had none for almost 4 years in marriage. After praying to God to give me a new spiritual director I found one, he celebrated the mass at the feast of the holy souls last year and his homily indicated that he was really sound catholic wise and spiritual too. Now my husband has given me ultimatums to stop spiritual directions, he said I don’t need to have a spiritual director to be a good Christian (meanwhile he has not gone for confession for almost a year and consequently has not received communion since). But the true reason is that he is not comfortable with me having discussions with anyone on confidential matters in whatever form priest or no priest.
My daily mass attendance which was at about 99.9% pre marriage slided down to 2% post marriage and has now gone up to about 70% since I started spiritual direction. My daily rosary which was at about 9o% pre marriage staggered between 10-0% in marriage and went up to about 80% since I started spiritual direction, same for my meditations, prayer life and co, there has just been great improvement in my spiritual life and now he has told me to stop at the risk of a divorce if I don’t. He said that if I truly love him as I claim, then I should not find it difficult to do this for him. He is currently still insisting.
I have spoke to my spiritual director about it and he made me understand that I had compromised on my relationship with God previously on a number of occasions in order to please my husband and that I need to stand my grounds this time to indicate that I am no longer in a position to compromise my relationship with God for any reason whatsoever on he will continue placing demands on me which will continue to jeopardize my relationship with God.
I totally agree with him.
I know I have a duty to keep my marriage, but I also have a duty to my God plus all those times I compromised I was never really happy. So I just need advice on how to go about this in a most Christ like manner bearing in mind that I really do love my husband but I want to be at peace with my God too.

[/quote]

"So I just need advice on how to go about this in a most Christ like manner bearing in mind that I really do love my husband but I want to be at peace with my God too."

Reverse the order of that statement and your life will be better.
First: pleasing God.
Distant second: pleasing your husband.

Your husband is calling you to live a life of sin. That is always unacceptable.
Thank the Lord for giving you a new and sound spiritual director.
Your husband might have entered into an invalid marriage with you.
Four years of marriage does NOT make it a Sacramental marriage.
Your then-husband-to-be promised you "no birth control.'
Was he lying even way back then? If so, it's likely there is no valid marriage.

God bless you as you deal with this tragic version of a "Catholic marriage."


#3

The order of the Commandments as given to us in Exodus, and as ratified by Our Lord in His teaching, gives us our hierarchy of values. Even though marriage is a great good, our Covenant with the Lord must take precedence, in a form that accords with our vocation as married, faithful members of the Church. Continue with your spiritual direction no matter what threats your husband makes and discern carefully with your spiritual director how you can respond to God's call within the painful situation of your marriage. Make no mistake, however, a difficult marriage **can *be a path to holiness- witness many saints such as St Monica and St Rita. At the same time, separation and annulment *may **also be a path to holiness- witness the Servant of God, Catherine de Hueck Doherty. God, the Holy Spirit, through your SD should be able to help you discern which path you are on. Both have thorns but also lead to blessings. Our Lord, who is an ever faithful and gracious spouse, continue to bless you with His Holy Spirit. St Monica and St Rita pray for you.


#4

[quote="Ogo_nwa_maria, post:1, topic:205283"]
, there has just been great improvement in my spiritual life and now he has told me to stop at the risk of a divorce if I don’t. He said that if I truly love him as I claim, then I should not find it difficult to do this for him. He is currently still insisting.

[/quote]

What to say in a Christ like manner?
Christ always told stories....... Christ would tell a story......
Once upon a time a duck landed on the pond and fell in love with a fish. The duck had the time of his life loving and diving and swimming and eating and sleeping and living in the pond with the fish.... but then one day, the duck said to the fish "If you really loved me, you should not find it difficult to fly! If you won't fly I'll divorce you!"

Tell your husband that the woman he married was a spiritual direction having catholic who had a spiritual director, who loved going for daily masses, who loved saying her rosary, doing her meditation, and visiting the Cisterian monastery and going there for a 3 day retreat once a year.

Ask your husband..... So just who is this strange mysterious unknown woman who doesn't *need a spiritual director, who *doesn't go for daily masses, who doesn't *say her rosary, who *doesn't *do her meditation, and who *doesn't visit the monastery or go there for a retreat..... and why he seems to think she's sleeping in your bed!


#5

What's really difficult here is that your spiritual director, a priest, has already told you to not compromise on this with your husband. So, it makes one very cautious to offer contrary advice.

Another complication is that your husband has changed the ground rules, not you. It's one thing to "get religion" after marriage, and, for instance, want to start attending daily mass, and quite another for you to be like that before marriage, and then have your partner insist on you changing. I note that your husband still attends Sunday mass, but doesn't receive communion, because he won't go to confession - I have to admit that seems a LOT more faithful than attending mass occasionally, and receiving communion without confession.

You have said, you love your husband, and intend to be loyal to your marriage vows. And, as others have said, this is a great spiritual good in itself.

So, my advice is to somehow back away from a "spiritual direction.. or else.." conflict, even if that's what your husband is gunning for.


#6

[quote="former_Catholic, post:4, topic:205283"]
What to say in a Christ like manner?
Christ always told stories....... Christ would tell a story......
Once upon a time a duck landed on the pond and fell in love with a fish. The duck had the time of his life loving and diving and swimming and eating and sleeping and living in the pond with the fish.... but then one day, the duck said to the fish "If you really loved me, you should not find it difficult to fly! If you won't fly I'll divorce you!"

Tell your husband that the woman he married was a spiritual direction having catholic who had a spiritual director, who loved going for daily masses, who loved saying her rosary, doing her meditation, and visiting the Cisterian monastery and going there for a 3 day retreat once a year.

Ask your husband..... So just who is this strange mysterious unknown woman who doesn't *need a spiritual director, who *doesn't go for daily masses, who doesn't *say her rosary, who *doesn't *do her meditation, and who *doesn't visit the monastery or go there for a retreat..... and why he seems to think she's sleeping in your bed!

[/quote]

I really like this advice!

I told him when he started bringing up the issue that he knows I was a spiritual direction having catholic and i really do need this to get back on my fee. Problem is that 1, he is the jealous type 2, he doesn't really listen to anyone else but him. We have been on this for a while now and when he initially treathened a divorce, i told him i wasn't going to stop having spiritual direction. Problem now is that the whole family just moved in to a new apartment and i told him that we needed to get a priest to come and bless the place, sprinkle holy water and all. But instead of addressing that issue, what he asked which priest i.e. is it my spiritual director? I told him it could be him or any other priest, most important thing is to get a priest to come and bless the house and all he could talk about was how i was still disobeying him by still going for spiritual direction and how it must stop. He hasn't even addressed the house blessing issue.

I will definately remind my husband who he fell in love with and married cause i seriously don't even recognise who i am now.


#7

It made me very sad to hear that you are being pressured to drop your spiritual direction.

I think that the previous posters have given very good advice, so I won't bother trying to add anything except my prayers for you this week.

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#8

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