I’ve been struggling immensly with my faith recently. If some of you read my other posts, you’ll know I have been suffering immense anxiety and have been drinking as a result. I’ve been reading alot of straight-bible literature as well—you know the really aggressive bible literalists.
I’m having these terrifying thoughts, like if I were to become a real follower of Christ I may need to abandon my family(who I’ve let down all my life, despite their infinite love and kindness) because they didn’t raise me in God. We were convienent Catholics, missed mass alot for other worldly reasons. Also that maybe my pull back to the Catholic faith is just me “wanting” to be a Catholic, when really I should move away to an uber-christian community so I can truly find God. As in, me becoming a devout Catholic is a worldly, and not Godly pursuit.
I really don’t like this. I thought religion was suppose to save me from sin but when I go to an AA meeting I get this thought that “this isn’t nessecary,all you need is Jesus and prayer.” I look at the other people with suspicion, that they’re trying to fool me in some sense because they want to get Sober for selfish reasons.
I ask God for forgiveness, that’s all I pray for, and yet everytime I do pray I get these thoughts that everything I’m doing is wrong, and I need to get out of here and work on a farm or something while reading the bible throughout the day until I figure things out. I’m really afraid to pray nowadays.
I need someone to give me some advice, someone who’s struggled with anxiety and perhaps insanity when it comes to fully accepting the Catholic faith. Sorry for ranting, but your help is much appreciated.