Struggles of dating


#1

It seems I have found myself facing the same trials as I have a year ago, for I again went through break up with another girl. The two of us dated for a while (six months), until late August she decided she didn’t want to continue dating me. It ended very abruptly, almost without warning.

I find myself in a similar position as last year, have doubts about myself and in dating other women. I have confidence in knowing that this will only lead me to the one I will truly spend my life with, but I sometimes have doubt that I will.

I have a lot of mixed emotions as a result of our break-up. I want to try to continue things as friends, despite still having feelings for her, but she doesn’t want to carry any weight in the friendship. With all this confusion that I’m going through, I just need to have some perspective on how I can deal with this situation; the dating, the moving on, whether to pursue a friendship.


#2

Don’t pursue anything with this girl. Leave her alone. Give yourself and your former girlfriend all of the time and space necessary to get over the hurt of the breakup and move forward.


#3

This is going to sound like I am passing the buck, but think about consulting a spiritual director. Is there a priest/confessor who knows you well and with whom you would be comfortable confiding in and trusting his advice?

I have no first-hand advice on what to do when you break up, because I married my first and only real dating partner, but pray and trust in God.

I will pray about this and try to get back to you with something more concrete.


#4

No don’t try to be friends. I’m sure you have enough friends. If you try to stay friends, you’ll continue to want to go out with her. You’ll contintue to have doubts about yourself. If someone does come along, she might get in the way. If she finds someone your going to be jeolous. Its going to hurt, but in the long run thats most likely going to be the best. I could be wrong, but for the most part thats been my experience.


#5

I also agree that you should just leave things alone with this woman.

Sometimes a friendship is not possible or even desired, and it seems that is her request at this time. Honor it with grace.


#6

People generally only want to be friends in one of two cases:

  1. They have absolutely no feelings for the other person

  2. They want to keep the door open for a possibility down the road while being able to date as they please (having their cake and eating it too)

If feelings are involved, the friend thing usually isn’t a choice.

I have dated a lot, and rarely am able to do the “friend” thing. Unless the issue is merely logistics (distance, someone is in med school and doesn’t have time to date, etc.), usually someone gets their feelings hurt and can’t move on.

Keep in mind moving on doesn’t mean the door is shut for good, it just means in the short term, you are able to function and enjoy life again.

The door is never closed where god is concerned, so I would always recommend get to a point of being “okay” with everything, then see what happens.


#7

In my experience, “just friends” just doesn’t work. The only way to deal with a breakup is to “move on”. How do you move on? You get up every morning and put one foot in front of the other throughout the day, then go to sleep at night. There is no secret to moving on.


#8

I agree. I had a long term courtship with a man while in college. I knew his whole family, actually went to many family gatherings without him there (he was in the National Guard and so was deployed and/or on training weekends for some gatherings). I got very close to his grandmother, too.

Anyway, I caused the breakup because it was evident to me that he was not going to budge on the marriage route and I was ready to move on and hence, I determined perhaps he wasn’t my husband to be. I ran into his grandmother a few months after and she wanted me to come over and visit, but I kindly told her that it would be too hurtful for all of us involved, I thought, for me to continue to be around his family. I told her that I missed her and his grandpa terribly, but that this was the way it needed to be.

I have since found out that he married a few years ago and I can’t be more happy to know that that woman has married into a terrific family and I haven’t been in the way in the least.


#9

[quote=morning_star_27] I want to try to continue things as friends, despite still having feelings for her, but she doesn’t want to carry any weight in the friendship.
[/quote]

Do you want to miss her for a month or do you want to miss her for a year?

If you want to miss her for a month stop seeing her. If you want to miss her for a year try to maintain the friendship.

Do things with other people. Move on. It’s healtheir for you both.


#10

Well, it is unanimous… don’t continue a friendship!

Focus on why this break up happened and what you need to improve in yourself before dating another woman. I am not suggesting that the breakup happened because there was something wrong with you, only that we all need to make improvements and breakups usually make certain issues more clear to us.

Pray that God leads you to where you ned to be. If you are supposed to be married, pray for your future wife. You will meet her when God wants you to (usually right about the time you give up on the entire idea, lol).

Think about what the perfect husband would be like and then take steps to make yourself into that guy. Your future wife will definitely appreciate it!

I know you are hurting right now. I have been through two very painful breakups of long term relationships as a young adult. One was over 4 years and the other was over 1 year.

Learn from my mistakes. Don’t wallow in self pity. Don’t try to maintain a friendship. Don’t fall into dispair. Have confidence that our Lord is with you (something I was lacking then) and focus on the blessings he has given to you.

I wish you peace and freedom from pain. But until then, use that pain to grow…

Malia


#11

ive been there, and done that. ive seen so many patients as a paramedic where a significant other broke up or left, and they are disturbed or suicidal. beleive me, its not worth it to worry or dwell.

my wife and i are split, and you know what, for me its the best thing that could have ever happened. i dont have anyone to answer to, report to, worry about, check in with, ect. i come and go as i please, work as much as i want as a paramedic and cop, hangout with who i want.

dont be so down that you are single. young and single probably is the absolute best time of your life. its only when you have so much responsibility that you realize that.

ill never, ever, ever reconcile with my wife–not after these months of having utter and complete freedom. im not saying i date one single bit, i just do what i want when i want.

i was able to spend 4 weeks straight in louisianna and mississippi after the hurricanes, and most medics and cops there had to rotate out after 6-8 days because of family. not me.

i can work as a tactical SWAT medic whenever i want, and not have to worry about who i leave behind if the bullets start flying. i work about 36 hrs of overtime a week, most of the overtime sitting in a fire station out in the county sleeping, while getting paid time and a half. this led to a brand new chevy camaro interceptor model, like the state troopers drive, which the wife would have never let me get.

dont beat yourself up. do as much as you can, do as many things that you want to learn. go skydiving, and push life to the extreme. when youre married, trust me, you probably wont be able to do any of the above.


#12

[quote=BioCatholic]dont beat yourself up. do as much as you can, do as many things that you want to learn. go skydiving, and push life to the extreme. when youre married, trust me, you probably wont be able to do any of the above.
[/quote]

I know you are hurting, but your attitude is disgusting. I really don’t think it is helpful to tell this poor guy that marriage is going to suck so not to stress about his breakup.:nope:

Maybe you are not called to the vocation of marriage. Nothing wrong with that. I for one (not even an American citizen) appreciate you being able to contribute so much to the relief efforts. But it seems that you are taking a little too much personal pride in your work. Where is the humility?

Speak to any happily married man (or woman) and see if hot cars, freedom to come and go as you please, the rush of skydiving etc is something they feel they just can’t live without.

Most people understand that sacrifice is a good thing. A good marriage is not a dictatorship… I would never tell my husband that he is not allowed to do something. He makes his own choices. I am just blessed that he is able to put someone other than himself first.

The rewards of a true marriage far outweigh any empty pleasure you are so desperately trying to fill your broken heart with.

Malia


#13

[quote=Feanaro’s Wife]Speak to any happily married man (or woman) and see if hot cars, freedom to come and go as you please, the rush of skydiving etc is something they feel they just can’t live without.

[/quote]

Married 8 years next month. Our Deacon tells us that we have been through more problems than any other couple he knows (health problems for both of us, me almost dying, financial failure). This is not to brag since I don’t see how I would have made it these last eight years without my marriage.

The “freedom” of no responsibility to another person means that there is no one there who cares about what you are doing. I am not trapped by my responsibilty to call my wife and tell her where I am. I do so out of respect for the woman that loves me and has seen me through more problems than I have a right to expect.

For me the rush of things I could do as a single man was empty and meaningless.

Marriage is something to look forward to.

And by the way, my advice was from firsthand experience. When it was me getting over a break up, I chose to miss her for a year. In hindsight it was a wasted year.


#14

#15

[quote=Feanaro’s Wife]The rewards of a true marriage far outweigh any empty pleasure you are so desperately trying to fill your broken heart with.
[/quote]

Broken heart? haha. no. there isnt a shred of sadness or regret on my part. she assaulted me and went to jail, got out 4 months later and dissappeared for a bit. then she wanted to reconcile, but i told her to get lost. im apathetic towards her now, not really caring a whole lot what happens to her or what she does.

day in and day out all i hear is how “lucky” i am to be single and free. my house has become the community wife-getaway retreat. basically, any cop or paramedic i know can come stay at my house to get away from a nagging, annoying wife. they all seem to treasure the idea.

youd be surprised to find out just how many people are over at my house right now.

ask most men deep down, and ill tell ya, they probably arent as happy as you think in marriage.


Illicit baptisms: creating problems in future marriages?
#16

The greatest consolation during any of my breakups was knowing God had something even better in store for me than what seemed good at the time.

BioC, You are very misguided.
Most divorcees report years down the road that they are no happier divorced than married. You are doing these men and their wives a great disservice by giving them “refuge” from problems in paradise.
Your wife obviously has some issues, and it may be true you are better off separated living chaste lives apart. There is nothing wrong with that. There is a huge problem, however, with encouraging other men to flee from the problems instead of loving and protecting their wives.

How about be a real man instead of …? A man who preys upon hurting marriages for company is no man at all. You should be helping these other men recognize that they can find happiness in their marriage with hard work and sacrifice. If these men put in a fraction of the effort and selflessness at home that they do at work in their very respectable profession, most would have amazing marriages. People in heroic careers, IMO, are more likely to struggle with addiction to the emotional high they get from being a “do-gooder.” Too bad they don’t get that same high from being a great husband and father. You are very misguided, indeed.

You ever heard that country song by Gretchen Wilson, Homewrecker? You sound like a male version of the woman in the song. Pull youself together!


#17

Hey Morning Star, my confirmation name is also Maximilian Kolbe! Right on!

I feel for you. You asked for some perspective, so let me try and give you some. Yes, breakups always hurt, there’s no doubt about that. I myself have never had a breakup–I’ve never dated, even–but I have had a few “close calls” where I thought I was totally going to get the girl and that we were made for each other, but then at the last second she rejected me. It’s not the same, I know, but at least I have some idea of what you’re feeling.

You’re about 21 and in college, right? Unfortunately for you (and for me, incidentally), women of your dating age are going through a time of tremendous change. They’re growing up, becoming more independent, finding themselves, etc. In other words, they exhibit all the catylists for a royal breakup! Don’t fret, pal. Once they turn 22 or so, they stabilize quite a bit. (And the same could probably be said for guys, too.)

It looks like you know that you must move on, which is good. But it’s knowing HOW to do that that’s so confusing, isn’t it? First, I agree that you shouldn’t maintain a friendship with this woman–but that doesn’t mean you stop treating her with the utmost respect. (I mean, what if she has gorgeous, available friends to tell about you? :smiley: ) Keep treating her with absolute Christian charity, and you’ll avoid compounding your hurt with the guilt you’d feel if you stopped treating her right.

Speaking of those gorgeous, available friends of hers–you must keep your eyes open. In my humble experience, the best way to get over a woman is to meet another one. :smiley: Right now, your emotions are telling you that this woman is the only person for you in the world. And that’s fine! That’s how God made us, and it helps us to stay in love with our spouses. But in your case, it’s just not true! There are so many other incredible, wonderful women in the world. Take a look at them. Open yourself to the possibility of getting to know them. Not necessarily in a dating sense, but just as people. You will discover that every woman (and every human being) is unique, interesting, and charming in their own personal way. And God willing, one of them might be your future wife.

Now that you’ll be single for a little while, take advantage of that time by exercising more, doing stuff with your friends, reading Scripture, practicing your talents, or whatever else you could do to make yourself more attractive to your future wife. It sure isn’t going to be easy, but I hope that my babblings help you out in at least some small way. Peace,

Chris


#18

I know that most responses from people have been “don’t continue a friendship”, and maybe I’m having difficulty agreeing because I’m the type of person who values his friendships with others–even if they’ve hurt me. I know that I was hurt by the break-up, andI know I’ll feel better in time; so if it’s all the same to everyone here, I’ll just be friendly to her, not hold my breath for a reunion or close friendship, but treat her like she’s supposed to be treated.


#19

[quote=morning_star_27]It seems I have found myself facing the same trials as I have a year ago, for I again went through break up with another girl. The two of us dated for a while (six months), until late August she decided she didn’t want to continue dating me. It ended very abruptly, almost without warning.

I find myself in a similar position as last year, have doubts about myself and in dating other women. I have confidence in knowing that this will only lead me to the one I will truly spend my life with, but I sometimes have doubt that I will.

I have a lot of mixed emotions as a result of our break-up. I want to try to continue things as friends, despite still having feelings for her, but she doesn’t want to carry any weight in the friendship. With all this confusion that I’m going through, I just need to have some perspective on how I can deal with this situation; the dating, the moving on, whether to pursue a friendship.
[/quote]

Hmmmmm…this sounds familiar with the few guys I dated back. Met a dude, wasn’t for me, met another one, wasn’t for me, etc.

I’m sorry about your breakup but maybe this is where you need to trust God? Maybe it’s not the right time for you to date? How old are ye?

Don’t worry, God will find you someone but maybe now is not the right time. Pray about it.

And good luck!
:slight_smile:


#20

[quote=morning_star_27]I know that most responses from people have been “don’t continue a friendship”, and maybe I’m having difficulty agreeing because I’m the type of person who values his friendships with others–even if they’ve hurt me. I know that I was hurt by the break-up, andI know I’ll feel better in time; so if it’s all the same to everyone here, I’ll just be friendly to her, not hold my breath for a reunion or close friendship, but treat her like she’s supposed to be treated.
[/quote]

you took the words right out of my mouth… give it time… pray… and in the end, God’s Will will be done! Good Luck

Laura :stuck_out_tongue:


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