I apologize for the long message, but this is a crucial moment in my life and I need serious help.
First, a little background. I am a junior in college. In September of 2008, I began dating a girl. I had actually thought that I wanted to be a priest, but she came along and I went along with it. Soon, we fell in love and we both very happy. Some time later and after much discernment, we both felt that it was in God’s plan for us to marry each other. Life couldn’t be better.
Then, a few days before our 13-month anniversary of dating, she broke up with me. This was almost 2 months ago. She doesn’t believe anymore that it is God’s plan for her to marry me. I still love her, and the more I’m apart from her, the more I am certain it is God’s plan for me to marry her. I know this probably sounds like young “puppy” love, but I wish to do God’s will and I truly do believe it is God’s plan for me to marry this girl.
I have been a wreck since. I kept begging her to come back to me. That was a mistake and it was immature. I tried giving her time, and then tried to become just friends. Yes, I would still love her and yearn to be more than friends, but I needed to be her friend before that could happen. She expressed desire to be my friend.
Throughout these past two months, I have been extremely depressed. When I realized she wasn’t coming back, I began to miss classes, not do my school work, fail tests, and fall away from friends. My grades dropped, and the semester is now over. I missed 3 of my exams and didn’t turn in most of the papers that were due. I have an academic scholarship, but will now lose that for failing. Now I’ve realized that I will likely never get her back. I doubt I will be able to go back to school next semester.
I have tried contacting her, telling her I want to be her friend. I do truly mean this. I feel terrible for treating her the way I have. She has now been ignoring me, even though she says she wants to be my friend.
I have no motivation to keep going. I see no hope that I will ever get this girl back. I still believe it is God’s plan for me to marry this girl, but it looks unlikely this will happen. I will never truly be happy if I don’t follow God’s plan.
I don’t feel like I have a reason to live. I have no prospects for the future. The woman I love is gone. I have failed at school, failed at love, failed at friendship. I have considered committing suicide. I can’t stand continuing to disappoint people and myself. I can’t stand making the girl I love unhappy by continuing to pester her. Perhaps she would be better off if I wasn’t here.
Please help me.