I grew up in a type of Christian family (I will call it “Bible-believing” and influenced by a couple of “denominations”), though very dysfunctional. I had phases of belief and unbelief, but I guess I can say mostly indifference, in my family’s faith. I started secretly learning about Catholicism in my late teens, and at 21 I started RCIA, fully convinced by Catholicism. I prayed every day and went to daily Mass for months, and I even believed I had a vocation to be a nun!
Then it all turned around and some very disappointing things happened. The already-baptised must go to confession before the Easter Vigil, and so I tried twice, and both times I made bad confessions. I thought about going through RCIA another year, but in this state I received the Sacraments of Confirmation and First Communion at the Easter Vigil. I felt terrible. I received Holy Communion a few times after that but I felt so bad that I stopped. I never went back to confession, too afraid to mess up again.
It has been over seven months since being “received into the Church”, and my “spiritual life” has grown worse and worse and WORSE. At this point I don’t even know if I believe in God and I am silent – I cannot pray! And I know I prayed so much before. Everything is different now. I no longer participate at Sunday Mass (I just show up – it was NOT like this before), practically never make the Sign of the Cross, and more and more I think I should just stop going to Mass until I am sure I even believe any of this. On top of this I think I have completely lost all “sense of sin” – I am unsure about right or wrong.
I cannot honestly call myself a Catholic or a Christian anymore. I do read the Bible most days and say occasional random “Is anyone there?” desperate sort of prayers, and still “show up” at Sunday Mass. I am really exhausted and feel like giving up. Any advice?