My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years. While I love him, I have been having a harder and harder time justifying continuing our relationship. Pretty much since we began dating, he has all but alienated himself from his other friends and instead wanted to spend most of his time with me. He also comes to me for any sort of problem that might occur, which usually amounts into a multiple-hours-long discussion. This happens about once a week. I have been feeling so lost and worn down and extremely apathetic toward our relationship. Communication is not the problem here as we’ve discussed all these problems many times. He keeps bringing up how much our relationship has improved since we started, which is true, but the fact that so much of our relationship centers around problems and fixing problems scares me. He’s a great guy who cares deeply for me and really encourages me to explore my faith and my relationship with God, but I feel like his dependence on me for nearly everything is helping destroy our relationship. I should also mention that I feel like I’m constantly nagging him about his behavior, which I’m sure contributes to our problems as well. I have been praying to God, but feel like I’m not listening the way I should be, as in, I’m looking at everything as an answer (newspaper articles, friends’ relationships, etc.) and naturally getting conflicted messages. I plan to suggestion to him that we take a break from seeing each other for a while, but any advice on how to handle this situation or handle a separation would be wonderful. God bless.
It doesn't really sound like your boyfriend is mature enough to be in a relationship, let alone a marriage if that is where you want this to go. It is extremely unhealthy for him to be relying so much on you, and making you feel like his crutch.
You want to be dating, and eventually marry, a man and not a little boy. His dependence on you doesn't sound like the good kind of co-dependence that is good for a relationship, but rather appears to be suffocating you. In my opinion, he needs to get himself together before he can be the man you would want for a husband. And the only way he is going to do this is is if you do take a "break" from him, and by this I mean break up with him.
If you just say that you're going to take a "break", and not see other people, and put parameters on that, he will cling to the idea of returning to you and will not be able to grow. A true breakup is much more definitive. He needs to be on his own to figure all of this out. He is probably a wonderful person, since you've been with him so long and I am sure he loves you. But you need to consider whether he loves you or being in a relationship with you more.
The only alternative I can think of to actually breaking up would be to not give in to him. If he wants to spend most of his time with you, don't make yourself available to him for all of that time. I don't think this is the greatest idea though, because it seems like he is addicted to you and in order to get over that and have a good relationship with you in the future, or someone else, he needs a clean break for awhile.
You made pefect sense to me.
These two books were written for men, but by reading them a woman can get some interesting insights into men and probably discover the reason for her feelings of discomfort. Also women will better be able to define the qualities wanted in a man.
If you’re unhappy in a dating relationship, you’d be 100 times more miserable in a marriage with this person. IMO, you must get away as fast as you can, for your sake and for his. It sounds like it will be very difficult, but you must hold your ground for your future happiness. I’d be very honest with him and tell him you’re just not happy anymore. That’s enough of a reason…
Indeed! Such possessiveness in any relationship is not normal and leads to unhappiness.peace, Carlan
I'm not good in relationships so im not going to give any advice. I do however want to welcome you to CAF.:thumbsup:
God bless you.
It sounds to me like what is holding you back are fears about how he’ll react.
My advise is that when you do break up with him, be absolutely clear to him. Explain your reasons clearly. Let him know that this isn’t up for debate. Do not make promises you can’t keep. I would even recommend that continuing a friendship won’t work. When you’re in that emotionally dependant state, its torture to even talk to the person when all these walls come up and you realize you can’t get the emotional support you want from that person. And last of all, pray for him that he gets the help he needs and that he doesn’t try to jump into another relationship that he obviously is not in any emotional state for.
Try not to feel guilty. Entrust his well being to God. It is not your responsibility to take care of his emotional well being. You’re doing nothing wrong by letting him go.
I would recommend a book for you: "The ABCs of Choosing a Good Husband," by Steve Wood. I'm not sure your boyfriend would read and embrace books about himself -- I did marry too young and neither of us were mature enough to comprehend what marriage is and what work it takes -- we went out and almost immediately began a "relationship" where we were always together, worked together, went to school togther, we still lived at our respective parents' homes, but still, he never 'courted' me and I certainly did cling on to him -- but I was not a mature, independent, educated, purpose-filled woman. I don't mean this in any "feminist" sort of way either, because I am not; but I see the steps of my own development that were precluded and he did not have the opportunity to grow and mature into a "man," hindsight is always 20/20. It sounds too like he is treating you more like a friend or parental role instead of a partner. I believe you both should be 'equally yoked' because you cannot drag him into being the man you will need and want to be your husband and father of your children. Bottom line is: be the best woman in Christ that you can possibly be and if God has a man for you, you will be ready. God bless.