I lost my parents when I was a kid–some of you know this about me. I don’t dwell on it, and I have given the pain of it to God…cry when I need to, etc…but, it’s not something that I dwell on like say, 15 years ago.
But, here’s my problem, and I need your advice…help. When I hear friends for example, tell me that they have lost a grandparent, etc…or even a parent (I’m 38, so they are either near my age or older) I don’t have any feelings about it. None. Of course, in my heart I pray for them, but at that moment–I can offer nothing. I almost go cold…like I want to say…‘at least you had your mother for most of your life.’ I shouldn’t say I feel nothing–but I almost feel a tinge of anger run through me…not sure why?
I so want to change this part of me. I have grown in many ways, but this is something–I just have a hard time overcoming. I have given it to God, and when I ask Him for help…I feel better, I would say. But, then, a month later…another friend will come along, sad over the loss of an aunt, grandparent…whoever. And, something just goes blank inside of me.
The only exception to this, is when I hear about people losing their children. There’s something ‘unnatural’ about that, and so I am a good comforter if you will, to those friends of mine or people I have known, suffering from such a tragedy.
It’s not that I don’t have sympathy, in other situations where people have lost loved ones, but I can offer nothing. I have often asked God in my prayers…if you allowed this to happen to me, why can’t I help anyone with their losses? You know, like my impediments can enable me, more than if I didn’t have them, so to speak. Another example is last year, I decided that God was calling me to a bereavement group–as a counselor–at my parish. Ok…I signed up. Thought it would be something I could offer, and then when I went to the first session, I just went stone cold again…like I wanted to run out of the building!:o
Needless to say, I told the head counselor that I couldn’t do it…I even made up a reason which I then went to Confession over for lying.:rolleyes:
I have read that grief can take a long time to go through…I don’t feel like I’m still grieving, but I also know that my reactions to people who have lost loved ones is pretty sad, actually. I catch myself lately, and feel God saying…go console that person.
Is it sinful to behave like this? I feel like I don’t really have control over it, per se…but I guess I do. I’m just kinda sad about it.
Oh, and I also don’t like sympathy given to me…so, it’s a two way street.
Thx for listening.