I've been feeling really down. There's a lot of stuff going on in my life at the moment - quit my job a couple days ago, missing my boyfriend (long distance relationship), trying to discern my vocation, etc, etc..
However, one of the things I find myself struggling the most with lately is my family. A few details about them: I come from a very disfuncional home. My parents have never got on well and have been on and off for as long as I can remember (and when not separated, they've been 'emotionally off'). I've never seen them kiss in my life or say anything nice to each other. I remember when I was 12 they started "dating" again after being separated for 3 years...it was akward and confusing and I didn't understand anything of what was going on. Summing it up: they're hardly a stable, loving couple.
I have an older brother (9 years older) who is...so tough to read. I barely know anything about him because he hides behind his humor. All I know about him is that he's funny...and that's it. I have my unsolved issues with him because he was engaged to a lovely girl last year, but then broke off the engagement. I know it was because he was cheating on her with another girl (his, now, official girlfriend), but he denies this.
But anyways - that's my family. My dad's now away, living in a different country because of work. My mom and brother are indifferent towards him, and I feel that way too, but guilt pushes me to try to stay in touch with him, so I try to do that. But I don't feel honest love and care towards him. It kills me. I really want to, but I can't. And I'm now having problems with mom, too.. I don't know why. I'm in a bad place, and I think my mood at home has changed. It's put her on defensive mode and now she's very aggressive towards me. Now I am towards her, too. And my brother's never home. That's pretty much how things are these days.
So, here's the thing: a week ago I came back from Oregon. I went over there for about 10 days to visit my boyfriend. I stayed at his house, with his family, and it was wonderful. They are the most beautiful family I've ever met. They're deeply religious, very involved in their Parish, they pray before every meal, they talk about Saints, the Bible, etc etc as regular topics...they have family time which is a concept I was not familiar with...they're so different to my own family. And while I was there, I was so happy. They made me feel so loved and welcome...it was beautiful.
As I type this, I really have to fight back tears. I miss them so much. My family aren't religious, they're not stable, they're not loving...they're not them. Thinking of my boyfriend's beautiful family kills me. It hurts so much to have those memories to cherish, and to have them to miss. I kept thinking all the time that that's how I want my family to be (when I have a family of my own), that's the love that I want my home to be filled with...
I can't stop feeling guilty. I've gone to Confession over this, but it won't go away. Every time my mom snaps at me or I snap at her, I remember my boyfriend's mom kissing my forehead. Every time my dad complains to me about my mom, I remember my boyfriend's dad hugging and saying nice things to his wife. Every time my brother walks into the room and responds to my "hey!" with "shut up!" (his trying-to-be-funny response), I remember my boyfriend and his brother joking with each other, being silly, laughing (I'd never seen my boyfriend laugh like he laughed with his brother), or even telling each other "I love you"...displaying comradeship I was unaware could exist between siblings.
I want this to be over. I want to forget about this (but at the same time, I don't). I want to love my family, but I can't. It makes me feel like an awful person, and it makes me want to cry so much. I don't know how to come to terms with this.. I always knew my family was disfunctional, but I had never felt such strong sadness, resentment and emptiness regarding my family situation, as I do after this trip. I don't know what to do about it. I keep praying...but I still feel so bad. I want to love them, I really do. My mom's always been my best friend, and now there's something off even in our relationship. I just really, really want this to get better NOW.. :(