Struggling today - need a prayer (and a hug)


#1

I'm having a hard time this morning - I don't know why. It's not V-day, although I hate the day mostly because it involves spending an hour writing kids' names on silly valentines for my kids to give out at school. Plus it reminds me of all that I don't do - I didn't make cookies and give them instead, we bought our valentines, I hate crafts...

I am so sad and angry right now that I really really want to cut myself. I used to cut but haven't in a long time and I know it wouldn't make me feel better but I don't know what will. Right now my son is talking to me about a book he's looking at and he has no idea how awful I feel inside.

I had two hours to study this morning (I'm studying for my CPA exam) but I spent it getting ready for work tonight, and yet still I have a quiz and handout to write for my class (I'm a part-time college professor). I wanted to go to my oldest's class this afternoon before work to help with his v-day party but I don't see how I can and I feel terrible about that (though he knows that's a possibility). I didn't sleep well last night so I was up surfing the web - my husband thinks I didn't sleep because I was on the web but it was vice-versa - that annoys me when he thinks that I don't know why I didn't sleep. I wanted to go to a Board of Ed meeting tonight but I need to study so I don't think I can go.

The problem is I need to be studying 3-4 hours a day on top of work and my kids and I can't. By the time the boys are in bed I am so tired I can't focus on revenue recognition rules. It took me two hours just to do 88 problems last night and I only got a 67% because I was tired.

I'm babbling because no one understands how ****** I feel right now and how stressed. I hate my life. I love my family but I hate my life and I just want to do something but there's nothing I can do. Yes, I will skip the board meeting tonight but big whoop - it won't help me catch up on my exam preparations or work. I'll miss my son's party and write the damned quiz and handout. I just want to run away run far far away and since I can't I want to escape into a zoned-out world but I can't do that either.

Please Lord show me the way and please help me find a way to diffuse this anger and self-hatred. Thanks for giving me a safe place to write this anonymously.


#2

You do need hugs and here they are, as many as I can put into this space. (((((((you)))))))).
I'll pray for you as well. Your day sounds like mine, although I don't have children at home anymore, but I am a part-time college instructor, work for my husband, am trying to work on my graduate degree, and my daughter, who lives next door with five grandchildren, is moving away because I don't spend enough time with her. (Ask me how many of her bills I am paying.)

When I feel frazzled, like I think you are, I go to Mass. Sometimes I go everyday. Somehow, everything just gets better. Maybe you can't go to Mass, but please know wherever you are, whoever you are, anonymous mother, I care about you, I am praying for you, and I hope things get better.


#3

Jesus loves you so very much. You are his little girl and he loves you very, very, very much!

I read your post and I must say that you sound pretty successful to me! First of all you do not "feel" like writing on little valentines but you are doing it anyway!

You don't "feel" like listening to your son but you are doing it anyway!

You "feel" like cutting yourself but you are making the decision not to!

This is what love is, it is a decision not a "feeling". Even though you feel awful inside you have made the decision to go on with your daily life. This is your cross that you are bearing and it is very hard.

Turn to Jesus Christ, imagine him carrying his cross and join your suffering to his. When you are tired say to him "Jesus I am so tired" when you are stressed out say to him "Jesus I am so stressed out" and then open up your arms and embrace your suffering the way that Christ embraced his.

We do not need to embrace needless suffering, we should do all we can to avoid suffering needlessly. However when sufferings come our way that cannot be avoided if we embrace them the way that Christ embraced his and unify our suffering to his...the grace will abound.

You are doing a great job! It was good that you came here and shared your story, many people will be praying for you including me, hope this helps a little, take care as best as you can.


#4

O Blessed Virgin, Mother of God, please help this mother in her time of need!

:byzsoc:


#5

[quote="grasscutter, post:4, topic:229154"]
O Blessed Virgin, Mother of God, please help this mother in her time of need!

:byzsoc:

[/quote]

Lord, hear our prayers.

Amen.


#6

Oh my. It sounds like you have so much going on, too much for any person to handle! I think you have put too many expectations on yourself, and are really doing stuff you don’t even want to do? Maybe the CPA exam is just too much for a mom to handle? You are comparing yourself to the “Perfect Moms” who make cookies AND homemade, fancy valentines as well as come to every school party, etc. etc. etc. and sew their own clothing and change the oil on their cars and their husband’s car, and build an addition onto their house…:wink:

yes, I am exaggerating just a little…but that’s how it feels when you put yourself up against “what everyone else is doing.” So what if you don’t like crafts? A lot of people don’t, that’s why they print up the valentine’s cards for kids! You are not less of a wonderful mom because you don’t have time/don’t want to make valentines!!

Whenever I start feeling like a caged animal, ready to gnaw through the bars and run away, I try to find a few things to dump. And I am brutal about it. If the CPA exam is too much of a stress, then it’s not the right time for you to do it. If it’s your job, maybe you hate it and are not called to do it. Maybe the Holy Spirit is calling you to something else. Maybe it’s just your own expectations that are causing you stress, that you are not the Perfect Mom or Perfect Wife. Even if everyone else is happy right now, even if they don’t understand why you want to change things, do it anyway, for your sanity.

Did you ever talk to anyone about the cutting? I hope so. I hope you know why you did it, so you can say, “Oh, here I am again, I have put myself in this situation again, now I need to do X and Y to pull myself out again.”

At least you came here to vent and didn’t actually cut yourself. You were purchased at a price and Jesus does not want you to hurt yourself!

:console::grouphug:


#7

Here's some things that can make your life easier

~Use a mainstream textbook from Pearson, Cengage or McGraw Hill (if medical Elsevier). These companies provide online acess and free instructor materials such as quizzes and homeworks and lecture notes. Online you can set up quizzes in mere minutes and the students do it online. If you need help with this the Pubs are more than willing to sell you a book. If you want online acess most colleges are under US laws which require freedom to pick material for your class even if a department picks your book. Access codes for all this free stuff run the students when purchased separatly (usually included in the cost of a new book) $15-$80...but they can save you a huge headache.

~Your kids just want your attention. They don't want fireworks. Listening is enough. Don't feel bad for feeling bad about yourself while they are pratteling on about some dinosaur or Dora. They will have bad days, too, and you will love them all the same. You are not faking or lyign to them. I think every mother or nanny has moments when she'd like to run FAR away but listens to another nerve-shreading randition of Yankee Doodle becuase the kids like it.

~The CPA exam is tough but it will have an END. Just keep focused on that. Yes, there will be another hurdle after that, but learn to psyc yourself up. You CAN do it. It's a HUGE accomplishment. YOU GO GIRL!

~Get hubby involved, ask church members for help with the kids and meals. You don't have to do everything. Infact, eat cereal for supper. It's got all the vitiams and minerals you need. If hubby balks, than he cooks.

There are days when I hate my life, too. Everyone has them. Being young is tough, being old is tough, being married is tough, raising children is tough, infertility is tough. Life is HARD work. It's ok to be angry...but you need to cry, to scream, to punch pillows and then move on. God's got it covered, this too shall pass.


#8

Send you a biiiiiiig bear hugg.:hug1:

I understand what you are going through - I was in a simular situation a couple years ago. I had two kids, a full time job, went to college at night and of course the daily chores we all have. And sometimes I thought, I' d break down and didin't know how to handle it all anymore. But - I finally graduaded and it was over.

Hang in there, don't expect too much from yourself - you are a human being and there' s only so much you can do in a day.

I'll pray for you and may the Lord help you through your struggle!

:gopray:


#9

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