I'm having a hard time this morning - I don't know why. It's not V-day, although I hate the day mostly because it involves spending an hour writing kids' names on silly valentines for my kids to give out at school. Plus it reminds me of all that I don't do - I didn't make cookies and give them instead, we bought our valentines, I hate crafts...
I am so sad and angry right now that I really really want to cut myself. I used to cut but haven't in a long time and I know it wouldn't make me feel better but I don't know what will. Right now my son is talking to me about a book he's looking at and he has no idea how awful I feel inside.
I had two hours to study this morning (I'm studying for my CPA exam) but I spent it getting ready for work tonight, and yet still I have a quiz and handout to write for my class (I'm a part-time college professor). I wanted to go to my oldest's class this afternoon before work to help with his v-day party but I don't see how I can and I feel terrible about that (though he knows that's a possibility). I didn't sleep well last night so I was up surfing the web - my husband thinks I didn't sleep because I was on the web but it was vice-versa - that annoys me when he thinks that I don't know why I didn't sleep. I wanted to go to a Board of Ed meeting tonight but I need to study so I don't think I can go.
The problem is I need to be studying 3-4 hours a day on top of work and my kids and I can't. By the time the boys are in bed I am so tired I can't focus on revenue recognition rules. It took me two hours just to do 88 problems last night and I only got a 67% because I was tired.
I'm babbling because no one understands how ****** I feel right now and how stressed. I hate my life. I love my family but I hate my life and I just want to do something but there's nothing I can do. Yes, I will skip the board meeting tonight but big whoop - it won't help me catch up on my exam preparations or work. I'll miss my son's party and write the damned quiz and handout. I just want to run away run far far away and since I can't I want to escape into a zoned-out world but I can't do that either.
Please Lord show me the way and please help me find a way to diffuse this anger and self-hatred. Thanks for giving me a safe place to write this anonymously.