Struggling with animosity, need support

I buried my daughter’s cremains August 1. She died on March 2, 2011. I buried her cremains in obedience to a strong prompt from the Lord in a grave I had purchased over a year ago and which has a headstone with both our names on it. In attendance, at my invitation, five strong prayer warriors, a saintly priest to lead us in the rosary, myself and her father. None of his family showed up.

Now, today, he tried to make an excuse as to why his other daughter (from first marriage) was not present. He said it was her tenth anniversary and then something about they had gone somewhere. Problem is: at first I didn’t believe him; then I did some internet work and found out she had been married some time in July 2003. My daughter, her sister, was not invited to that wedding. We didn’t even have one idea it was taking place.

So I am angry. I am not angry that she may have had long term travel arrangements (air travel, hotel, etc.) that could not be changed (without huge economic hardship, the airlines are unforgiving). I am angry that she chose to ignore it altogether, to not even send a note to me, or have flowers sent to the cemetery. I’m also angry that she allowed her Dad to go through this alone. He had a very long drive in extremely heavy rain (which caught up with us here in Ulster County right after the rosary was finished). He has spent a great deal of effort on “stuffing” the horror of this loss for almost 2-1/2 years and really suffered at the grave site. He then reported to me that on Thursday, during the drive, his stomach became upset with “cramping” (not intestinal) and has remained that way. He is nauseous and has chest pain. What does that suggest? I told him to go to the ER. His other daughter never gave one thought to letting her Dad do this alone nor does she give one thought to her sister (whom she was informed had been diagnosed with a severe mental illness back in 2010) or to me, for that matter.

I confessed what feels like “hate” today for that entire side of the family. I do not want those people to get between me and the Lord nor do I intend to allow my eternal salvation to be affected by it (God forbid). I sang the 5PM Mass today, I sang two hymns that are special to me for the help of Our Lady and the Lord that I received to get through this ordeal, but during the Mass I kept getting MUGGED, "heard’ accusatory things, fought the anger, prayed to my Blessed Mother who told me to PUT IT ASIDE. So now I am trying to do that. My confessor said I should pray for those people and use the prayer he taught me “Don’t let the garbage in my head enter my will” and I am trying but I am reeling from last Thursday, I am in terrible emotional condition, and the fact that her own sister would totally ignore this (HOW MANY TIMES IS YOUR SISTER BURIED AFTER ALL), not even send a note, an email, flowers…God help me I need your prayers.

Dearest Ellzeena,

May God give you peace. May your sweet daughter rest in the arms of our Lord.

I offer you a hug.

It must have been very emotional for you to bury her cremains. I am glad you were able to do so.

Do not worry that none of her father’s family attended. People grieve in different ways. Do not even be concern about why they chose not to attend. You and her father were there for your dear daughter. That is what is most important.

Now, today, he tried to make an excuse as to why his other daughter (from first marriage) was not present. He said it was her tenth anniversary and then something about they had gone somewhere. Problem is: at first I didn’t believe him; then I did some internet work and found out she had been married some time in July 2003. My daughter, her sister, was not invited to that wedding. We didn’t even have one idea it was taking place.

Don’t worry about why he made an excuse for his other daughter not attending. Maybe she really was celebrating her anniversary. It does not matter. It may have hurt him that she was not there. Do not dwell on her not coming to the burial or that she didn’t invite your dear daughter - her sister - to her own wedding.

Blended families can carry lots of different pains and issues - don’t let your daughter’s half-sister bring pain to you.

So I am angry. I am not angry that she may have had long term travel arrangements (air travel, hotel, etc.) that could not be changed (without huge economic hardship, the airlines are unforgiving). I am angry that she chose to ignore it altogether, to not even send a note to me, or have flowers sent to the cemetery.

Lots of emotion come flooding to us during times of great pains. You buried your sweet daughter’s cremains. That is very emotional. It makes it hard to meet our other emotions without being overwhelmed.

Its okay that she didn’t recognized the burial. She didn’t invite her sister to her own wedding when her sister was alive. We don’t know why she chose this path, but she has taken it. Its okay that she didn’t send a note or flowers. Maybe she grieved her own way when her sister died.

I’m also angry that she allowed her Dad to go through this alone. He had a very long drive in extremely heavy rain (which caught up with us here in Ulster County right after the rosary was finished). He has spent a great deal of effort on “stuffing” the horror of this loss for almost 2-1/2 years and really suffered at the grave site. He then reported to me that on Thursday, during the drive, his stomach became upset with “cramping” (not intestinal) and has remained that way. He is nauseous and has chest pain. What does that suggest? I told him to go to the ER. His other daughter never gave one thought to letting her Dad do this alone nor does she give one thought to her sister (whom she was informed had been diagnosed with a severe mental illness back in 2010) or to me, for that matter.

Don’t blame her for her father dealing with the burial alone. If it hurts him, it is important for him to speak with her. His suffering from the loss of his beautiful daughter, his drive in the rain, his physical pains are indeed sad. However, his other daughter is not responsible for any of that. Do not be angry at her for his pains.

We do not know if she gives a thought about her sister or about you. Unless she tells you that… and even then… sometimes people say things out of anger or sadness that they do not mean. She may think about her sister often. She may think about you and how you feel about the loss of her dear sister. She may also have lots of unhealed emotions with the blending of families when her father married you - as many people have this difficulty when their parent marries another.

I confessed what feels like “hate” today for that entire side of the family. I do not want those people to get between me and the Lord nor do I intend to allow my eternal salvation to be affected by it (God forbid).

I don’t know you, but I figure you do not hate your daughter’s father’s family. You have lots of emotional pain today. Mainly you miss your beautiful daughter. You did the proper thing in burying her cremains. However, it released a flood of emotion.

You see his family not attending this beautiful ceremony for your dear daughter. That hurts. You read it as they don’t care. The truth is, we don’t really know why they chose not to attend. The fact is, they had a choice and they picked not to attend. I am sorry for you that it hurts so much.

Your dear daughter understands from heaven why they did not attend. I’m sure she is at peace for herself and only wants peace for you as well.

I sang the 5PM Mass today, I sang two hymns that are special to me for the help of Our Lady and the Lord that I received to get through this ordeal, but during the Mass I kept getting MUGGED, "heard’ accusatory things, fought the anger, prayed to my Blessed Mother who told me to PUT IT ASIDE. So now I am trying to do that.

Keep Christ, Our Lady, and your beautiful daughter - your special little girl - in your heart and mind. Don’t be disturbed by others, not even by unwanted thoughts.

My confessor said I should pray for those people and use the prayer he taught me “Don’t let the garbage in my head enter my will” and I am trying but I am reeling from last Thursday, I am in terrible emotional condition, and the fact that her own sister would totally ignore this (HOW MANY TIMES IS YOUR SISTER BURIED AFTER ALL), not even send a note, an email, flowers…God help me I need your prayers.

Remember, not only did she not attend the burial, she also didn’t invite her sister to her wedding. That’s important for you to keep the prospective of her half-sister. It is really okay that she picked not to attend. Don’t let her not attending take away from the beautiful ceremony you offered your dear daughter. Do not focus on what didn’t happen, but what did happen.

Focus on your daughter’s life. Focus on the love you have for her and the love she has for you. The two most important people to your daughter were there to bury her cremains - you and her father.

Ask your daughter to pray for you that you are at peace with her death, that you are at peace with the beautiful ceremony for the burial of her cremains, that you are at peace with her half-sister and with her father’s family.

You, dear Ellzeena, are in my prayers. May God grant you peace and hold you while you grief the loss and now burial of your precious child.

It is always difficult when people do not respond the way we think they should. As it was almost 29 months since your daughter’s death before you decided to bury her you cannot expect others to treat this the same as a timely burial.

Pray, pray always.

What wonderful, loving and encouraging answers. May each of you be blessed for helping me in this way. Much love to you all.
:thumbsup:

Work with your confessor on this feeling and with time and prayer things will get better. I speak from experience. My father passed away almost 3 years ago. The issues with family were enough to drive me to insanity, seriously, what some people who are close family (mother, children, siblings) can do during a time like this truly boggles my mind. If not for my wonderful parish priest I would have been on a number of medications if not in the looney bin. And hate, yes, that was a real problem. How not to hate those I should love when they acted in totally reprehensible ways? Well I worked through it with much pastoral guidance, no drugs or hospital stays.

And today, with many prayers and rosaries many of the broken family ties have been restored, though some of them are quite fragile, they are still there. Some unfortunately only have grown worse. I have followed my pastors advice, limit contact with the worst of the worst, pray for them, and pray for humility to accept what I cannot change.

Things will get better over time. The Lord and His Blessed Mother will be your helpers. Trust in them to guide you and heal the pain.

I will pray for you and your family.

God Bless

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