Struggling with asexuality


#1

Well, not so much asexuality (it’s rather relieving not to have many sexual impulses while I’m in college ;-)) but androgyny. I am female, but I feel…genderless. I don’t particularly care for femininity/females in general, but I’m not that excited about masculinity either, because it doesn’t fit me…and masculine females disgust me. I took the Sex and Gender Explorer test, and it told me this:

Your Raw Score is: 390, which indicates that overall you are Androgynous
Your appearance is Androgynous
Your brain processes are mostly that of a Female person.
You appear to socialize in an androgynous manner.
You believe you have mild conflicts about your gender identity.

You indicated you were born Female.

ANALYSIS:
Female to Male Crossdresser

NOTES:
• Your answers indicate your psychological state has likely prevailed since you were quite young.
• You are in a statistical minority as an asexual crossdresser. Most crossdressers are heterosexual. Your motivation for crossdressing may be driven by the undirected nature of your sexuality, as a way to more fully explore the Male gender role.

I am not quite a crossdresser, but I do prefer more gender neutral clothing styles, occasionally buying a hoodie or a hat out of the men’s section.

Does anyone have any advice? This is not what I want to be. I believe, for the most part, in traditional gender roles, and I know that as a female, I want to be feminine. I’m not sure if I should find a gender identity disorder therapist, or if I can work through this on my own…any suggestions would be appreciated.


#2

[quote="verdantmemories, post:1, topic:211273"]
Well, not so much asexuality (it's rather relieving not to have many sexual impulses while I'm in college ;-)) but androgyny. I am female, but I feel...genderless. I don't particularly care for femininity/females in general, but I'm not that excited about masculinity either, because it doesn't fit me...and masculine females disgust me. I took the Sex and Gender Explorer test, and it told me this:

Your Raw Score is: 390, which indicates that overall you are Androgynous
Your appearance is Androgynous
Your brain processes are mostly that of a Female person.
You appear to socialize in an androgynous manner.
You believe you have mild conflicts about your gender identity.

You indicated you were born Female.

ANALYSIS:
Female to Male Crossdresser

NOTES:
• Your answers indicate your psychological state has likely prevailed since you were quite young.
• You are in a statistical minority as an asexual crossdresser. Most crossdressers are heterosexual. Your motivation for crossdressing may be driven by the undirected nature of your sexuality, as a way to more fully explore the Male gender role.

I am not quite a crossdresser, but I do prefer more gender neutral clothing styles, occasionally buying a hoodie or a hat out of the men's section.

Does anyone have any advice? This is not what I want to be. I believe, for the most part, in traditional gender roles, and I know that as a female, I want to be feminine. I'm not sure if I should find a gender identity disorder therapist, or if I can work through this on my own...any suggestions would be appreciated.

[/quote]

Go to the tob healing center.

www.tobhealing.com


#3

I guess the question to ask is: How is this a problem for you? Do you want different feelings for yourself than you have? Do you feel you ought to feel differently, or ought to want to feel differently?

There is nothing wrong with buying hoodies or even hats for yourself from the men's section. You can buy your shoes, socks, sweat pants, and T-shirts there, too. It is OK....you don't even have to pretend that you're buying for someone else. Some companies do not even make hoodies or baseball caps with any gender difference to them.

It would be a problem if you wanted to dress in such a way as to try to pass as a man or give the impression that you want to be a man. That is what cross-dressing is. That doesn't sound like what you are describing at all, and I don't care what the test says. God did not write that test. God did make you the way you are. The only function of the test is to help you live happily with how God made you. If the test doesn't do that, then to h*** with the test....and I think most psychologists would say the same thing.

There is not anything objectively immoral about not feeling all that connected to your identity as a female nor to be without attachment to the trappings of femininity. Moral law doesn't expect you to feel a certain way or to like certain things. You do not have to like lace or pastels. You don't even have to prefer skirts over pants. You do not have to even notice when you see a man that makes other women swoon. All that is OK. If encouraging certain feelings in yourself or learning to ignore othes makes you happier or makes living a moral life easier, that's great. We don't have to let our feelings own us. I'm just saying we ought not punish ourselves for having them (or not having them), either.

Some women care about different things than other women do. Some women relate to others in ways that are different than other women do. That doesn't mean they're trying to be men. It means they are different sorts of women. After all, there is a great deal about what our society encourages each gender to be that is at cross-purposes with an outlook that is primarily intent on the things of the Lord. Your natural temperament may give you far more freedom than you're giving yourself permission to have!

In other words, what you describe may be a freedom from temptations that you need to permission to be happy to do without. Your cross may be remembering to put a few more reflections of your gender into your clothing, so as not to tempt others to judge you as someone who wishes she were a man. I doubt it, but let's say you need to do that. Why is that a problem with you? Many other women have to remember to be more modest about their clothing than is their natural inclination, so as not to tempt others to sin. They don't cover their bodies because there is something wrong with them. Neither would you wear clothing that is more obviously female than what you would choose purely for yourself because there is something wrong with you. You would just be doing it as a charitable recognition of the weaknesses of others, just as a man with a very feminine build and voice would do if he had to take extra care to dress so as to not be mistaken for a woman.

Talk to a priest. I suspect that there is nothing whatsoever wrong with the way you dress and absolutely nothing wrong with the way you are a woman, any more than there is something wrong with a man that looks at a woman immodestly dressed who nevertheless automatically sees her as a sister in the Lord instead of an object of lust. The priest may even conclude that he wishes more Catholic women on your campus had your problem! It wouldn't surprise me.

If you know it is OK to feel the way you feel, but your lack of feelings still bothers you, that is a different matter. Find someone to help you with that. God is* delighted* with what he made you to be. You ought to have some access to what all that delight is about!

If only in our original sin, we all have something disordered in us. That isn't what God sees. We see the hunk of marble with its beauty marred by discolorations, fault lines, and rough spots. God sees the saint he has intended to carve from that, from the beginning of time. He knows what is there, and he delights in it. That is what we need to let God uncover in us.


#4

I found the psych department a rather depressing place. Don’t take too many of those “assessments” or you’ll drive yourself crazy.

Over the course of my degree I found that I was introverted, extroverted, possibly-may-not a person with Asperger’s, ADHD, bi-polar, uni-polar, obsessive-compulsive, not compulsive enough, androgynous, masculine, and feminine, too.

I think I had every disorder mentioned in my physiological psych class–at least once.

I find the Bem Sex Role Inventory (created more than 30 years ago based on one person’s concept of what men and women should be in her interpretation) and the Myers-Briggs Personality Type tests to be about as useful and revealing as the average daily horoscope.

That is to say, you’re not weird. :slight_smile: Or at least, you’re no more weird than the next person.

Lacking an insane, never-ending libido (ie the way our culture often depicts “normal” young people constantly wanting “it”) doesn’t make you wrong or strange. Nor does liking clothes that aren’t bright pink and covered in lace. :o

I borrow my husband’s t-shirts sometimes and ball-caps, too. I don’t think I’m a cross-dresser. I took a survey once that said I was very “masculine”. Well, I have four kids and, generally, happy, heterosexual marriage. That, and it varied by the day that I was taking the test and my mood at the time. Because, I’ve gotten more feminine scores, too :shrug:

Bottom line, I wouldn’t, personally, start to worry unless you wake up one day and felt a strong compulsion to change your name to Phil and grow chest hair.

I’ll leave you with this parting thought:

In a recent study psychologists found that:

"Of 8391 individuals interviewed and their personality status assessed, only a minority (n = 1933, 23%) had no personality pathology. "

Yes, you read that correctly–only 23%.

bjp.rcpsych.org/cgi/content/abstract/197/3/193

:thumbsup:


#5

Exactly.

If you have a deep-seated dissatisfaction with yourself, that is something to get help with. The thing is, as real as the suffering it causes can be, the dissatisfaction itself is sometimes the only thing that is wrong.

God is delighted with you. Although determined to remove every blemish and infinite in His desire to fill us with His graces, He generally does not make saints in a day…or as one saint put it, “God is easy to please, impossible to satisfy.” Why should you be unhappy with yourself, then? It is better to be on the same page with God.

If it isn’t standing between you and becoming a saint, let it be. It is color in the tapestry.


#6

Thanks, guys. Part of the problem is that I’ve been reading a lot about homosexuality and gender identity disorders, and I’m probably reflecting some of what I’ve read onto myself. That, and my youth minister told me I should try to solve my personal problems, so I took that as a sign from above that I should start psycho-analyzing. I just get more confused the more “revelations” I get about my personality…although I have determined a lot about the causes of this, maybe I really don’t need to be helped out of it.

One thing that helped me was to read about St. Joan of Arc…she certainly wasn’t the most feminine person out there, but she was a woman of God and still became a saint.


#7

Never a good idea to psycho-analyze oneself:thumbsup:


#8

Youth ministers may have enough training to recognize that something is amiss, but not nearly enough to know what that is. Your unhappiness may be showing just enough for this person to know to tell you not to resign yourself to it.

You’re right to compare yourself to St. Joan. She was very much misunderstood in her own time, and everyone trying to decide who and what she was looked through the lens of the agendas of the day. She did not have an easy life, but she was faithful. That is what is important, not whether or not fidelity requires a woman to always be in a dress.

Hang in there with your prayer life. If you can find a spiritual director or a counsellor who can help you decide what God wants you to make of you, so much the better. There are no extra points given for figuring these things out without outside help!

I very much doubt it will have to do with getting you into more dresses or trying to make you want to date!!


#9

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