I need some advice. I’m super proud of my faith, and I think I actually have something of a reputation at school for being an exemplary Christian. I struggle, however, badly in the area of chastity.
About a year ago I openly admitted my bisexuality. My closest friends already knew about it. (When I say “openly admitted,” I mean mainly with my self; my parents know but I think suppress it so badly that it’s almost become an unreal dream to them. Needless to say, we don’t discuss it. It’s too hard for them and for me… My father doesn’t think of me the same because of it, and my mother’s in denial. Both are distant.)
My sexual attraction really leans towards guys like myself, I’ll admit. I can have deep, emotional connections with girls and have a fun and chaste relationship with them–but guys are a different issue altogether. I can’t control myself around them! I pass it off as joking when I flirt or make advances, which I suppose my friends take as a long-running gag between all of us. Since they return the sentiments jokingly, it’s very hard to quit. Some of them are beautiful! And I feel like I’m drooling over them night and day and it’s detracting from my relationship with God. A lot.
I’m an ordinary guy. I’m well-built, I have a semi-deep, lysp-free voice, have more than a few girls interested in me, and I’m in the “in crowd” at my school. In short, no one labels me a bi, as no one could tell by appearance. The fact that I can get away with it makes it worse… I pet and stroke and hug my male friends, write and say romantic things, all in the name of jest… They think it’s hilarious. I think it’s sad and can barely keep from salivating all over them.
I’ve noticed that like weeds in a garden, this rampant sexual attraction (especially to one in particular) is choking and killing my relationship with my heavenly Father. I feel like a hypocrite–a big one.
I need prayers, and practical advise. SOMETHING! Please…