Hi, this is only my second post and I am nervous about it so I hope you can be gentle with me. I am not a Catholic but I am converting. I am in the RCIA program at the moment. I was not brought up as a Christian, I was baptised in another Christian faith but we did not go to church growing up after I was around 5.
I have made many choices in my life that I think if Christ had been a part of my life, I would have made very differently. I am not married. I have two children. I was 19 when I had my first daughter. I am still in a relationship with the father of my children, we are engaged and intend to marry this year.
I adore my children and don't regret them for a second, but now that I have come to the Catholic faith, I see the plan the Lord has for us, and I wish I had done things differently. I wish I had saved myself for marriage. I wish I was married before I had children. We have been together 7 years but we are young so there was still a lot of growing up to do for us, so we have been through a lot of immaturity and it has scarred our relationship.
I feel like our relationship really is falling apart. I love my fiance, he is a wonderful father, he loves me and would do anything for me. But it really isn't working at the moment, it hasn't been for a long time. I know I am not kind to him. I do love him but I think if we hadn't had our children we probably wouldn't have remained together, we seem to bring out the worst in each other, both very stubborn and opinionated. Since I have found the faith I am trying so hard to turn my life around into a life that is fitting with my beliefs, and for that reason I really do believe we must marry even if it is hard and we have difficulties, because that is life, and you work through it.
I just really don't know what to do for us. Although we love each other, I know we don't treat each other like we should. We seem to just co-exist but not work together. He is at a point where he doesn't know what to do and doesn't want to talk about it or work on it, but he also will never leave me. He is also a Catholic so we do have our faith to unite us. I pray that we will find a way but I can't force him to talk to me and sort it out. I am trying to change my attitude to him and change how I treat him.
I am sorry if this doesn't make much sense. I am hoping to hear from someone who has also struggled, or someone with some advice. I just feel very lonely and isolated and I don't want anyone in my life to know what is going on so I have no one to talk to.