Thank you for taking the time to read this and to hopefully keep me in your prayers.
As the title suggests, I can’t stop struggling with the temptation to end my life due to various circumstances. For some background, I am a college-educated 24-year-old male, and a former Catholic seminarian as well. I, of course, am a practicing Catholic, and try my best to keep my faith at the center of my life. I discerned out of seminary this past December, and I am still confident that I made the right decision. However, I have been struggling with unbearable guilt ever since, feeling like I let down the Church. This may stem partially from the fact that I had a falling out with my diocese’s vocations director, for whom I have great respect. To be truthful, I wasn’t nearly as forthright with him as I should’ve been about my decision to leave, and he unfortunately found out from another party before I told him. So, understandably, he felt stabbed in the back, and I have never felt so much guilt in my life due to that. We ended up meeting to debrief just before Christmas, and I could tell that he was still hurt by my actions. Even so, he graciously agreed to recommend me for a job that had fallen into my lap on the day I made my decision. In spite of all of the guilt that I felt, I was at least looking forward to this new job opportunity.
Fast forward to last week, and I was somewhat unexpectedly laid off from this job. I signed a contract for a year (at the most), so it was only meant to be temporary, but due to mostly external circumstances out of my control, my employers had little choice but to cut me loose. This job was political in nature, and I was serving as an outreach director of sorts. Not only did our political goals not come to fruition, but I wasn’t as good at this role (and didn’t enjoy it as much) as I had expected. I have Asperger’s, which, for the uninitiated, is a disorder that inhibits social interaction, and thus I am not exactly what one would consider a “people person.” In hindsight, this job wasn’t the best fit for me to begin with, and I could sense that my employers had started to become aware of it. So here I am now, unemployed with no job prospects, and no sense of direction in life.
As you can imagine, all of the above emotions and circumstances have led me into a state of despair, and I have been struggling immensely with the temptation to end my own life, feeling like I am a both a burden and an outright embarrassment to the Church and to the world. I passed a psychological evaluation last year in order to enter the seminary last year, but since then I feel as if my psychological state has been deteriorating rapidly. I have lost all sense of purpose, direction, and self-esteem, and I really don’t want to personally tell anyone I know of these struggles because I don’t want to cause them distress. I am fully aware that suicide is a mortal sin, and will also cause immense pain to my family and friends, but I can’t help but to keep returning to that thought in my mind. I feel as if I have nowhere to turn but the internet due to anonymity, and all I ask of you is your prayers on my behalf.