Hello, this is my first post here. I’ve been sort of going through a realization of my faith recently. I live 20 min. away from the Fransiscan University campus and for the last two years I’ve been going to there summer teen conferences.
[After finishing my post I realised I got a bit carried away when talking about the conferences so anybody who has been to or knows about them can skip this next part if you want.]
For those of you who don’t know Fransiscan University puts on several conferences, the ones I am talking about are the teen conferences. Basicaly they are a three day (Fri. - Sun.) conference with talks mass Praise and worship ect. the one thing I think they are famous for though are their “Saterday nights”. On Saterday night they start out with some Praise and worshop, then they start Adoration. Man, it is the most powerful things I have ever experenced, everybody (which is usally about 2200 people) is effected (although some in not such an outward way). People cry, tremble, laugh (uncontrolably, sometime up to 45 min after every thing is over), pass out, they feel utter peace and trenquility. And when its over you feel literaly on fire for God, I’ve personaly gone from crying and trembling uncontrolably during adoration, to feeling like I can take on an army of deamons in the name of Christ. If I could I probably would have done summersalts and backflips. But anyway, I’ve been ranting enough, its time to get to the point of this thread.
So after going to these conferences I've begun to truly belive in Christ more fully, to *truly* want to become a soldier for Him. So I thought to myself, *"If God were to appear to you now, would you be proud of yourself? Would He be happy with you? Would you go to Heaven, or at least purgatory?"* and the answer wasn no. No I would not be proud, no I don't think He would be happy... and I truly doubt I have done anything to gain any mereit with God. So I set out to change my ways, to become a better person... but more importantly to become a soldier for Christ. I must admit that in some areas I have improved, the most noticeable thing for me is at mass. I have been able to ocasionaly lose myself in it, to feel at peace, to feel that God is here. But there are two things that I struggle with on a daly basis, and cause me to fall ever farther away from God, and ever deaper into the camp of the enemy. The things I most struggle with are:
- Self Mastery
I find this increadibly hard and at time impossable to achive. I have been fighting to be the master of my passions for what seems like forever. But I don’t belive I have ever truly made any improvements. I… I pray about it, I ask continiously for the grace to be able to become the master of my passions, but I continue… over and over and over to fail. I think that eather I am not strong enough, or … that I do not belive strongly enough.
This is another problem I think I have. Its not that I don’t belive, its… well I belive in God the same way I belive in math. I know 2 + 2 = 4, and I know God exists. But I do not belive in my heart. I think that if I truly belived in my heart then I would not sin as I do. That utter love for Chirst would drive me away from sin.
Well those are some issues I have been dealing with for awhile now. I just needed to get the off my chest, as I would be too embarressed to speak to anyone face to face. I am at the time of writing this in a state of dispair and grief. I apologise for writing such a long post, and I thank you for taking the time to read this. I ask for your prayers and any sugestions, comments, or anything that could help me on my quest for Christ.