Submission...the hardest thing about being married


#1

Being married is wonderful. I love the thought of spending the rest of my life with the man that I love. In an attempt to be a good wife, and live a good Catholic marriage, I look to the church, and guidance by the Holy Spirit. In doing this, I realize that I must attempt to be submissive to my husband, knowing that he will love me completely. This is so difficult! I’ve developed my own way of doing things, I’m controlling, I feel that my way is better in most circumstances…and to just stand by, and bite my lip while I’m trying to trust my husband’s judgement is the hardest think about marriage so far. Also, he isn’t Catholic, and I don’t want to be the spiritual head of our relationship. While he is Christian, he doesn’t understand some of the beliefs concerning sex, and I don’t want to be the one to regulate this. We are practicing NFP, but it’s the “other” aspects of sex I’m having a hard time explaining. There are other things that he doesn’t really understand, but tries to out of respect for me. I want to just let him be the head, and lead our marriage without reservation. Any guidance on this would be so appreciated!


#2

[quote=happyrubberband] In doing this, I realize that I must attempt to be submissive to my husband, knowing that he will love me completely. This is so difficult! I’ve developed my own way of doing things, I’m controlling, I feel that my way is better in most circumstances…and to just stand by, and bite my lip while I’m trying to trust my husband’s judgement is the hardest think about marriage so far.
[/quote]

Hold on Honey! When we were made to be submissive, it was not to be a doormat. Your husband is to be submissive too! This means you work together, realize each other’s strengths, and find the common ground. Since you admit to be controlling, it is probably difficult to “let go”. However, this is awesome that you are given this challenge with in your marriage. Something so many have trouble with is “letting go and trusting God!” Since you love your husband, your love is the reason you back off and listen to him and you work together. This is like a first step to how to deal with your control issues in other areas.

I actually was going through a really difficult time a few years ago. My marriage and family were all suffering. I was in church praying when I finally said “Ok God you take it (my life and control of it) because I seem to be messing it up!” At that moment I CHOSE to let God lead me to what I need to do. I became mush more open to his love and direction. I must say my life, marriage and family are very strong today. I had a church member ask me how I did it, I told her it is not me, but God! I blindly follow my shepard for he knows the way. I use to be so worried about the details, but now I see the bigger picture. I see that God needs me to help carry out a greater purpose of which I cannot fathom. In just a few short years, I have seen how my life has changed and how my actions have lead to bigger things. I have a peace I have not had since I was a child and did not care about such things. I trust God has the plan, and it will all work out. This letting go is so uplifting. Yes, when I have a deadline I do get a little stressed, but not about the little stuff anymore. It is all about trust and a realization that there is something bigger out there.

I worry a lot about my MIL. I do not think she has had a moment of pease in her life. She is always thinking about what is next and how she can make it all happen her way. She does not trust anyone to do anything or to do it right. She is very uptight. She also has little faith in God because she can not let go and trust him to do or lead her to what is best for her.

I am not saying you are that controlling, but you should be aware of the sin associated to it. Once you can understand the sin, you can proceed to let go. I think the biggest thing is assuming that you can do it better. I heard a country song while on a long drive “If you want to hear God laugh, tell him what your plans are!” How can we be able to comprehend what is best if we can not see the whole picture?

So think of your submission a call from God to do what is best for everyone and not just yourself. You have a wonderful husband, show him how much you love him. Pray and pray often!

My hubby was not Catholic either, but when he discovered the truth, he made the choice. Let the HS work within him, do not pressure him on Catholicism.

I hope this helps! :slight_smile:


#3

I assume you are a newlywed. As a married woman of 22 years I have to say that I think you are trying too hard. Your husband is probably not even aware of your efforts to be submissive to him. For most men being the one with the major responsibility is a given.

Don’t obsess over little things, such as who makes dinner or takes out the garbage. Let yourself enjoy any interest he may have in domestic things and do let him take out the garbage–that’s a man’s job!

And do let him know how you feel about the major decisions you have to make. You don’t have to impose your will on him but he really needs to know how you feel/what you think so that his decisions, made with your valuable input, will be good ones for you and your young family. God bless you and your dh, my dear. :slight_smile:


#4

As I do mostly, I agree with Della but want to make one clarification. You are the Catholic and for this reason you have to assume the role of spiritual head of the family. This was part of his assent when he agreed to marry you as he agreed to allow your children to be raised Catholic. Additionally, your greatest responsibility as a wife is to help your husband get to Heaven. This requires you to provide the guidance necessary to help him find the Truth that exists only within the Church. God Bless you in your journey.


#5

[quote=Orionthehunter]As I do mostly, I agree with Della but want to make one clarification. You are the Catholic and for this reason you have to assume the role of spiritual head of the family. This was part of his assent when he agreed to marry you as he agreed to allow your children to be raised Catholic. Additionally, your greatest responsibility as a wife is to help your husband get to Heaven. This requires you to provide the guidance necessary to help him find the Truth that exists only within the Church. God Bless you in your journey.
[/quote]

This is true, and I agree with the essence of your comments. I would add, though, that a woman’s way of doing these things is different from a man’s and a man’s response to a wife’s efforts to bring him to the truth can be difficult for him. She does have the responsibility of bringing up their children in the faith and in helping her husband understand the faith, but how she does it can be accomplished in a womanly way–as the support of her husband rather than trying to lead him into the truth. Men don’t like to be led by women, but they can be lovingly supported when they take the right steps and gently nudged in the right direction by a wife who respects her husband’s need to see things for himself. And of course she can pray, pray, pray! :wink:


#6

[quote=Della]This is true, and I agree with the essence of your comments. I would add, though, that a woman’s way of doing these things is different from a man’s and a man’s response to a wife’s efforts to bring him to the truth can be difficult for him. She does have the responsibility of bringing up their children in the faith and in helping her husband understand the faith, but how she does it can be accomplished in a womanly way–as the support of her husband rather than trying to lead him into the truth. Men don’t like to be led by women, but they can be lovingly supported when they take the right steps and gently nudged in the right direction by a wife who respects her husband’s need to see things for himself. And of course she can pray, pray, pray! :wink:
[/quote]

Ah yes. That subtle wily way that women get us to do what they want by getting us to think it was our idea. I hate it when that happens. :smiley: Seriously though, Della is correct that you need to use “techniques” that work for you, your husband and your situation. I just hate it when my wife wants to tell me that I’m watching too much ESPN that she puts a block on the channel.


#7

[quote=happyrubberband]In doing this, I realize that I must attempt to be submissive to my husband, knowing that he will love me completely. This is so difficult! I’ve developed my own way of doing things, I’m controlling, I feel that my way is better in most circumstances…and to just stand by, and bite my lip while I’m trying to trust my husband’s judgement is the hardest think about marriage so far.
[/quote]

This does not mean you can’t ‘train’ him.

OK all men STOP reading!

I bought the Dr James Dobson book ‘Dare to Discipline’ when we had children. I started applying some of his suggestions to my husband and it was amazing how well it worked. We’re coming up to 33 years marriage.

NB. It might only work if he doesn’t read the book. :rotfl:

While he is Christian, he doesn’t understand some of the beliefs concerning sex, and I don’t want to be the one to regulate this.

I’m not quite with you here, it sounds as though he is willing to practise NFP, can’t you talk openly with him about sexual matters? Discuss how you feel about ‘beliefs’, whatever they are?


#8

i learned that when the Lord said “Be submissive to your husbands” actually means the opposite of what some people think. As stated in Christopher Wests book husbands have never been free to use thier wives. On the contrary, it has been the contstant teaching of the Church that Husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the Church. what an awesome message!


#9

I agree with you all about what being submissive is. I think I may have worded this incorrectly. What I’m trying to get across is that I don’t want to be the man in our relationship. I can easily slip into this role, and be almost masculine in my decision making and decisions regarding my husband. I don’t want to do this. I want to be a woman! I believe men and women share different roles, especially in a marriage.
KP1, I liked what you said so much that I printed it out.
I don’t believe I should be the spiritual head of our relationship, either. As we were married in the church, we agreed to not use artifical birth control, to bring up our children in the church, and he agreed to go to Mass with me once in a while. All of these things are wonderful, but when it comes to church teaching that affects us both, namely, doing “other things” outside of the marital act while I’m fertile, he doesn’t understand the church’s teaching on this, and I don’t know how to explain it to him, or “enforce” it. How am I supposed to be submissive to him in some ways, but not in others, to give him the support and faith to grow as a man and husband, yet wave my finger at his actions.
I’ve tried to explain why we shouldn’t do certain things, but he doesn’t get it. And as a new convert myself, sometimes I don’t get it either. It’s just frustrating!


#10

on a spiritual level man and woman are equal. but i understand what you are saying, there was a homily at mass concerning this issue a while back. consult your priest, pray and hopefully the Lord will answer you. good luck


#11

If you can, you should watch the Christopher West videos on the Theology of the Body. My husband and I watched it for our Pre-Cana classes. It is very insightful and we learned so much. I just came into the Catholic church last Easter and it explains the Church’s stance on marriage so perfectly.

I hope you can find it and watch it with your husband, it is so worth it.


closed #12

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