I’ve been having suicidal thoughts, lately.
Actually, that’s a lie. I wouldn’t actually do anything to myself. I know I could never do something so stupid as suicide. I’ve just been depressed lately, and thoughts of how now it would be to die have occurred off and on.
I don’t want to die, though. I want to enjoy life, there’s just not much to enjoy right now. I try to take consolation in Our Lord, try trusting in Him, and try modeling myself after the saints, realizing that these moments of spiritual aridity come and go.
I committed a mortal sin the other day, which I went to confession for. The priest and I discussed it, he understood, absolved me…but I didn’t feel grace flowing like a river afterwards, not that I necessarily expect such a feeling every time. I’ve told Jesus that I’m sorry, and I’m sure he believes me, but I’m just not happy.
Nothing around me makes me happy. Not my books, not my music, not television, nor the internet, nor my family. Dying wouldn’t even make me happy.
I’m just immensely unsatisfied right now.