I apologize in advance if this post is super long, I get carried away with words lol. So I have lived for the past 10 years with moderate-severe depression. I have struggled with an eating disorder during this time as well, probably due to the depression. I have been on every medication out there and still see a counselor every week.
Well, about 2 years ago, I lost all my friends and my boyfriend at time. My closest friends and this boyfriend got in this huge argument, I refused to get involved, and both sides left me because I didn’t choose their side and defend them. Then in the next few months, I realized how much everyone I surrounded myself with was somehow attached to these 3 individuals. Everyone started choosing sides, I would get people coming up to me saying “I cant believe you did this or that…,” when all of these stories were made up to make the friends or boyfriend look better. I was going to school at this time and living with the friends who refused to talk to me, and it got to the point where things were so bad I had to drop out and move back home. I finished up my degree at a school close to home, but I was commuting and didnt have that much time to make new friends or anything.
Now, here I am, still very depressed with no friends. I am heavily involved at my church, working part-time there and going to every social event possible. The thing is, I feel like everyone at church is a friend at church and nowhere else. So I go home and Im left all alone. Im sick of feeling absolutely alone in everything.
Besides having no friends still, one medication they put me on awhile ago made me gain weight, and the medication after that I wasnt allowed to purge because they said that Id have a seizure. So now Im fatter than Ive ever been, but this is the first time in 10 years that I havent been throwing up everything I eat. My mom and sister have made comments recently about how I need to start purging again. They keep bringing up how concerned I used to be about my weight and how I wouldnt eat or Id work out to stay skinny…apparently that is a good thing, even if it involved vomiting everyday.
My family was the only thing I had. But my mom and my sister constantly get on me about that, my brother is oblivious in his own little world, and my dad is going through issues of his own right now. My parents are also getting divorced after 27 years of marriage which doesnt help anything.
I have been hospitalized several times over the past 2 years for suicide attempts. Right now its strange, because I really don’t feel suicidal. I feel more psychologically sane than I have in a long time. Yeah, Im depressed, but I know how to live with that.
I am doing everything I can possibly think of to get better. I see a counselor every week, I have a spiritual director, I started praying the rosary everyday, I pray more now than I used to think was possible. I try my hardest to get involved and make friends at church. But Im still not any better than I was 2 years ago. I wouldnt consider myself suicidal now because I am thinking rationally and when I was trying to kill myself I wasnt, but Ive gotten to the point now where I think it would be better if I was dead. I wouldnt be such a burden on my family, and I am at the perfect point in life where I dont have any friends or anything to negatively affect with my death. By researching several suicide methods, I think I have come up with the perfect plan that wouldnt be super messy or painful. I know that if I do die, I will probably go to Hell, but I think that at this point, maybe that’s where Im meant to go. And I feel like going to hell may be better because everyone else around me would be happier. Im willing to spend eternity in hell if it means that the people around me are happier.
Ive tried reaching out to people I thought were friends and some of them have completely distanced themselves while others will just ignore me. I know no one here will advocate dying, but I dont know where else to go. I cant imagine living much longer like this. What should I do?