This is an honest thread, although it may sound somewhat funny. I apologize if it does. People who may have suffered from depression and those who have taken antidepressants before may understand where I’m coming from.
For the past four years I have suffered incredibly from depression. I tried numerous prescription antidepressants, besides therapy, but nothing helped. The drugs had horrible side effects, I lost all pleasure in life, suffered terrible headaches, further deepened into my depression, etc. I didn’t sin as much, I suppose, since I was in so much pain that there was little outlet for me to sin.
A few months ago I came across a wonderful herb called Rhodiola. It is similiar to Ginseng and comes from Siberia. Supposedly it is an adaptogen that has powerful effects on the body. It increases endurance, increases recovery time, boosts energy, and increases libido. It also importantly helps generate positive moods. The herb has in fact been given to cosmonauts to allow them to work longer, and it traditionally has also been given to newly weds to increase fertility. Well, in order for this stuff to work for me (in alleviating depression) I have to take twice the average dosage. The dosage works very well for my depression most of the time (although not constantly) but it also makes me extremely virile and more attracted to females than normal. I’m normally a relatively shy person, so it’s not like I’m engaging in any wrongful activity with these women, but I know that I talk with them more often and more easily. In short, I am much more amorous. While I don’t see this as bad, I notice that my mind has increased in its projection of romantic fantasies and so forth, and although I try to consciously control them, it is very difficult, especially in the morning when I’m only half-conscious.
So, I know that I am sinning in having these fantasies, which I didn’t have as much when extremely depressed, but at the same time I know that I need to be on this herb for the time being.
I haven’t been to confession for five weeks. I am thinking of going soon, but I am having difficulties because, to be quite honest, I feel that, although I am sinning, it’s more a deterministic kind of sinning, as if I don’t have much control when I sin at certain times–times when I honestly doubt that God has given me an alternative. It’s hard to explain, but those who may have been depressed for long periods might better understand one who thinks that one is very limited in free will when in certain states. I also feel uncomfortable telling the priests these sins, not because I am afraid of confessing my sins, but because I am not sure if the priest will understand the circumstances surrounding the sins.
I’m just looking for advice, both spiritual and material. Thanks!