Talking about ABC w/SIL


We had my 3 SILs over for dinner on Saturday. 2 are JWs and one is a recent revert to the CC.

The revert told me she was having sex with some guy a few months back and asked what I thought about the pill. I told her it was bad, and that it had too many side effect and that is why I stopped using it. I didn’t tell her anything about how wrong it is to be committing fornication, but I did tell her to be careful because she has to think about who she brings into her life because of her baby boy.

So, now she is dating this other man, married man, and she decided to go on the IUD. I was telling her how abortive and how dangerous that is, and all the side effects of it. Luckily I studied human sexuality back in college and I kept my biology book because it has a lot of great info. So I told her that medically, I can shouw her how bad it was. And I remembered that in the “Art of NFP” book the IUD has a section of its own, so I took out the book to show it to her, so she could see how bad this is.

I told her ALL ABC has side effects, and that the biology book was the one that dealt with the physical and medical issies, and that the NFP had those and moral ones included. She read the part where is says it’s an abortifacient, and she freaked out. She decided she was going to have that removed, but then she asked me about NuvaRing, a rubber ring full of hormones, that you change one a month, and told her it was bad as well. So, since she like the “NFP” book, she asked if she could take it home to read it. I didn’t want to say no, so I let her borrow it. I have 2 copies of the book.

So, my problem here is that I tried persuading her from using ABC, but got her interested on NFP. In a way that’s good, but she’s not married. She’s dating a married man! I can’t tell her what she’s doing is wrong because she isn’t my sister. Gosh, she came with a huge hickey on her neck to the dinner :blush:. She has no problem telling us she’s with this married man, and she tries to get consent from us by asking if it’s ok that she’s using whatever form of ABC she’s on.

How can one approach something like this? This is the same girl who asked me to help her back to the CC, but she’s just too immoral and doesn’t care about what the CC teaches. At first she believed I was crazy for using NFP, but because I haven’t ended up pregnant, she thought she’ll give it a try. I’ve created a monster!!

My 2 JW SILs were looking at the NFP book and read some of the material on tubals, but laughed at the content because they don’t believe it’s morally wonrg, but ARE worried that their younger sister is committing adultery and having sex outside of marriage. This girl is really impulsive, and she also cannot be alone for one week. SHe needs to have a b/f at all times. It’ saddens me that she does this because she has a 17 month old to worry about. She leaves him w/nannies all the time, she works too much, she has sex in the room w/the kid there :mad: and then tells me I guess to seek approval?? Because I wasn’t too into religion before, she thinks I’m ok w/this behavior, she tells me things she doesn’t tell my DH (for example that she was w/this married man, but he knows now), she tries to have me take her to Planned Parenthood for pregnancy tests and to get condoms… :frowning:

I really don’t want to cause more turmoil w/my in laws, but if I tell her to not come to me w/this stuff, I’ll have the 3 sisters against me, instead of just 2. But I am afraid for my own sake because I’m unwillingly contributing to her sins…

What should I do?


Is it possible to take her to a CPC - crisis pregnancy center instead of PP for a pregnancy test? Once there the councilers can help her with the wrongness in ways that don’t even touch on morality (even though they are based on morality).

Birthright and CareNet both offer free pregnancy tests. For Birthright go here to do a search to see if any are in your area. Neither give out condoms as far as I know either.

I found this web-stie for Care Net but nothing like the Birthright location finder.

You can also look in the phone book yellow pages, under Abortion Alternatives to find other local CPCs in your area.

This could take the burden of pointing out her immoral extra-marital relations with this guy.

Brenda V.


You need to tell her in a loving way that what she is doing is wrong. Tell her it’s “unhealthy” if you think she’ll be more open to that … it IS unhealthy, spiritually and physically, both for her and for her child.

She needs to focus on making herself whole without another person – otherwise she will be setting her child up for horrible issues later on, along with the relationship problems she’ll keep running into if she is looking for a man to “complete” her. The only way for her to become whole is to let Jesus make her whole. She’s Catholic? She needs Confession, Eucharist and spiritual direction in a big way.


I never thought about birthright… there are two close by… :smiley:


She goes to confession, but she does those things again anyway… :frowning: Right now she’s at a point in her spiritual life where she can’t trust a priest much. She just came out of the JWs 2 yrs ago, and recently returned to the CC, but still has opposition to some things about the CC’s teachings.


You didn’t create a monster by providing information on NFP - you may help her avoid additional sin by avoiding abortion and NFP is certainly healthier.

Others have pointed out that there are non-“religious” points that can be made to help her. For instance, there are some basic points that can be made against dating a married man - not fair to wife, etc. You don’t need to pull out the 10 Commandments or Catholicism to explain that dating married people is hurtful and foolish.

Good luck to you.


If it were me, I would say, “I never want you to feel like you can’t talk to me about your life. I love you very much and I want to know everything that’s going on with you, even if it’s not good. But sometimes the details of your sex life make me feel like I am going to throw up.”


Couldn’t help but laugh here… :smiley: it’s true, it does make me want to throw up… if you only knew the things I used to hear from my best friend :eek: My poor virgin ears…

But seriously, she thinks she can talk to me about everything. I tried explaining to her that most married men who seek other women, are usually asking for an adventure and most are unwilling to leave their wives. That’s not always the case , but it’s more likely than not.

I asked her if he told her the wife is this mean old lady who doesn’t care about him and is afraid to leave her because of the kids. She said yes. So I proved my point. How else would I know? Because married men who want an adventure will always make the poor wife look like a monster. Worst of all is that my SIL works with the guy, and the man and his wife own the place where she works, that means, she knows the wife!

My dad married some woman (civilly and by the CC - he used an old baptismal cert.) while he was married to my mom (he was already married both civilly and by the CC). I don’t know what he told that woman, but she was pregnant when they married. My mom found pictures of their wedding in the family car, so she went to their “honeymoon” suite and knocked on their door, SURPRISE! The mean old, 115 lb, green eyed, red haired (mom of 3) 27 yr old wife showed up. Ironically, my dad told my mom he loved them both and didn’t want to divorce either one, so my mom left him with the 3 of us, sent him the divorce papers and here we are. That is why I’m SO AGAINST THIS! (Aside from immorality of the situation). I really don’t know if the other wife knew before they married, but they’re still together. And to think he left my beautiful mom for this lady who was 6-7 yrs younger than my mom (my dad’s 8 yrs older than my mom, so he married this girl who was 14-15 yr younger than him). No offense to that woman, but my mom looked like a model compared to that woman…

Back to SIL, I wonder if this man’s wife knows about her. According to her, his kids love her.

Gosh, this sound just like my sister’s story… I still say, why can’t married men stay away from other women, and why can’t women stay away from married men??


Wow, Yessisan, I am so sorry that happened to your family.


In a way I’m not because my mom found a wonderful man who sees us as his own kids and I see him as my dad. I feel horrible my mom had to live that, but I don’t remember much of it, and if it hadn’t happened, I don’t know where in life I’d be, my real dad is a macho man and never let my mother work, she wasted a full medical scholarship because he didn’t let her finish her pre-med and medical degrees, he never helped w/child support and now my mom’s still trying to get an annullment from that marriage so she can bless her civil marriage to my step dad.

But I thank God my mom got thru it all, 14 yrs on her own w/3 kids and got us all thru college, including herself, in fact, she just graduated and received her master’s degree in business management in health care. She’s not a doctor as she wanted to be before she married my real dad, but she’s in the medical field. :smiley: She’s my role model!


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