Teenage 17 Yr Old Boy & Masturb...


#1

Okay since I started my conversations today with my boyfriends ex-wives (2 of them) here is a problem I am dumbfounded by.
He has a 17yr old son that lives with him (mom shipped him off to dad last year, exactly 1 year ago because she could not handle him. They've been divorced since he was 3) that with his mother at age 14 was addicted to porn, something like 1400 adult movies on cable viewed, had sex with multiple girls. Came here at 17 and has been caught in an array of sexual diviant things too graphic to mention. He goes to Mass weekly, is in Confirmation, I am his sponsor, goes to confession regularly when needed. He's been busted with internet porn, and much more. Last week condoms were found in his bedroom. He looks for most opportunities to be alone after school to MB. His half sister and brother, visit every week and every other weekend. I was irate (not literally) over the condoms and his excuse for buying them and then hiding them in his bedroom. Oh did I mention that they were used and reused? We have disagreement on that all teenage boys go through this and what the parental message to send should be.


#2

You are just a girlfriend, you have no "parental message" to give.

You cannot come in to his life at 15 and expect to be able to talk to him about masturbation.

And you are just a GIRLFRIEND.


#3

[quote="Existence, post:1, topic:300443"]
Okay since I started my conversations today with my boyfriends ex-wives (2 of them) here is a problem I am dumbfounded by.
He has a 17yr old son that lives with him (mom shipped him off to dad last year, exactly 1 year ago because she could not handle him. They've been divorced since he was 3) that with his mother at age 14 was addicted to porn, something like 1400 adult movies on cable viewed, had sex with multiple girls. Came here at 17 and has been caught in an array of sexual diviant things too graphic to mention. He goes to Mass weekly, is in Confirmation, I am his sponsor, goes to confession regularly when needed. He's been busted with internet porn, and much more. Last week condoms were found in his bedroom. He looks for most opportunities to be alone after school to MB. His half sister and brother, visit every week and every other weekend. I was irate (not literally) over the condoms and his excuse for buying them and then hiding them in his bedroom. Oh did I mention that they were used and reused? We have disagreement on that all teenage boys go through this and what the parental message to send should be.

[/quote]

Wait. Your boyfriend has 2 ex-wives?? I didn't get past that part. :eek:


#4

[quote="BlueEyedLady, post:2, topic:300443"]
You are just a girlfriend, you have no "parental message" to give.

You cannot come in to his life at 15 and expect to be able to talk to him about masturbation.

And you are just a GIRLFRIEND.

[/quote]

He is 17 not 15. I am not talking to the child although we are very close and I am his Confirmation sponsor. His mother from another state in the NE, abandoned him and sent him on a plane to his father, by surprise. He did not know until he got off of the plane that he was deserted. I have welcomed him into my life and helped get him in school and church, with his father.

I have not talked to him about this at all, his father has.


#5

[quote="iloveangels, post:3, topic:300443"]
Wait. Your boyfriend has 2 ex-wives?? I didn't get past that part. :eek:

[/quote]

Yep. All Annulled and I am still trying to figure it out myself.


#6

[quote="Existence, post:4, topic:300443"]
He is 17 not 15. I am not talking to the child although we are very close and I am his Confirmation sponsor. His mother from another state in the NE, abandoned him and sent him on a plane to his father, by surprise. He did not know until he got off of the plane that he was deserted. I have welcomed him into my life and helped get him in school and church, with his father.

I have not talked to him about this at all, his father has.

[/quote]

I know, but you came in to his life when he was 15.


#7

Well, if you want to know the truth–and I’m going to be blunt because I think it’s necessary–it appears to me that there’s a possibility that the “apple hasn’t fallen far from the tree.”

Be careful.


#8

[quote="BlueEyedLady, post:2, topic:300443"]
You are just a girlfriend, you have no "parental message" to give.

You cannot come in to his life at 15 and expect to be able to talk to him about masturbation.

And you are just a GIRLFRIEND.

[/quote]

My topic is what to do about this. He is seeing priests but continues and the adult take is that all boys do this? I did raise a son who is 25 now and I grew up with 6 siblings in a large Catholic family. Desire is one thing to go to confession for, but buying condoms and sneaking them into the house and using them there, is another from a parental standpoint. And there is a 10 year old girl and 11 year old boy every week and every other weekend also.


#9

[quote="BlueEyedLady, post:6, topic:300443"]
I know, but you came in to his life when he was 15.

[/quote]

No I didn't. He came here when he was 17 when I met him.


#10

[quote="Existence, post:9, topic:300443"]
No I didn't. He came here when he was 17 when I met him.

[/quote]

So you haven't even been in his life for the two years you've been dating his dad? You have absolutely no place talking to him about sex or masturbation. That is his dad's concern and you should absolutely stay out of it. You say you aren't living with your boyfriend so what goes on with his son in his house is even less your business.


#11

[quote="Existence, post:9, topic:300443"]
No I didn't. He came here when he was 17 when I met him.

[/quote]

Only the father is handling and giving advice, not me.


#12

[quote="Existence, post:9, topic:300443"]
No I didn't. He came here when he was 17 when I met him.

[/quote]

You honestly may not be able to do anything about his behavior at all. As a previous poster said, you are only the girlfriend of his father. You really have no authority over this young man. And you are probably going to find that out pretty quickly if you press the point. It's up to his father to talk to him, advise him, discipline him and so on.


#13

So what’s the issue, then? You don’t like your boyfriend’s handling of the situation?


#14

[quote="BlueEyedLady, post:10, topic:300443"]
So you haven't even been in his life for the two years you've been dating his dad? You have absolutely no place talking to him about sex or masturbation. That is his dad's concern and you should absolutely stay out of it. You say you aren't living with your boyfriend so what goes on with his son in his house is even less your business.

[/quote]

As I've said, Blue EyedLady, I have not talked to him. Only the rightful place of the father has. That is not what my question was. It was his advice and considering that there is a 10 year old girl in the home. It's not the MB I understand that happens, it's what as parents that we need to show consequence of honesty to our children. He goes to great lengths to lie and hide things. That should be addressed.


#15

why are you his confirmation sponsor ,thats absurd.:eek: :confused:


#16

[quote="april32010, post:15, topic:300443"]
why are you his confirmation sponsor ,thats absurd.:eek: :confused:

[/quote]

Why is that absurb? All family deserted him and live in another state. I've taught CCE from Pre-K thru Confirmation at my parish and am a member of the core team.


#17

[quote="iloveangels, post:12, topic:300443"]
You honestly may not be able to do anything about his behavior at all. As a previous poster said, you are only the girlfriend of his father. You really have no authority over this young man. And you are probably going to find that out pretty quickly if you press the point. It's up to his father to talk to him, advise him, discipline him and so on.

[/quote]

I agree with you. I have no place speaking to the son about this, and I have not all. The father did and is the one that needs to not me. What are we missing here? The advice of consequences for lying are what I asked about, especially with other children in the home. He is weak to instill this as a parent.


#18

. . . the father's responsibility.


#19

[quote="Existence, post:14, topic:300443"]
As I've said, Blue EyedLady, I have not talked to him. Only the rightful place of the father has. That is not what my question was. It was his advice and considering that there is a 10 year old girl in the home. It's not the MB I understand that happens, it's what as parents that we need to show consequence of honesty to our children. He goes to great lengths to lie and hide things. That should be addressed.

[/quote]

See that's where you go wrong. "We" aren't parents. Your boyfriend is a parent. He isn't "our" children. He is your boyfriend's child.

This boy has a mother, has had a step mother, and according to you multiple Daddy's girlfriends go through his life. (Unless the Dad totally abdicated his parental duty.) To the boy? You are the flavor of the month that just has happened to have lasted two years.

And I am sure he would not want you involved in discussions about his sex life.


#20

[quote="BlueEyedLady, post:2, topic:300443"]
You are just a girlfriend, you have no "parental message" to give.

You cannot come in to his life at 15 and expect to be able to talk to him about masturbation.

And you are just a GIRLFRIEND.

[/quote]

As his Confirmation sponsor she has every right to tell him what he is doing is wrong.


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