Tell liberal wife u no longer want to contracept


#1

PLEASE, ONLY SERIOUS REPLIES!
Is there any good way of telling a very liberal thinking wife that you no longer want to contracept? I mean this including sexual acts that are contraceptive in nature. I guess it is kind of weird to have the guy say he doesn't want to receive or give any of those acts any more. My feelings are that they don't bring me any closer to her and they seem so sterile and for lack of better words...impersonal, when used by themselves. I get the fact that men most times reach the "finish" before women do and as the husband I should "help" help her and have no concerns about that. I am also aware that NFP can sometimes give the contraceptive mindset. However I am unemployed (2 yrs) and believe this is a legitimate reason for relying on NFP. Wifey is a nurse so I need very strong arguments. Did I mention she has VERY liberal views: abortion, same sex attraction, gay marriage, contraception, etc... All concerned are baptized Catholic. We have not had intercourse since my son (2yo) was conceived and are no longer using any pill or barrier. Might have something to do with my views on Planned Parenthood and THE PILL.


#2

Dear brother.

Maybe she can use a condom for women?

I'd say, work on your friendship. That seems most crucial.. real communication about all kinds of things.. exchange of oppinions but also compliments, sharing of experiences, fun together etc..
And an advice from the psychology-world: Use "I" sentences when you speak.
Like: "I realise I have changed, ... I feel sad when we contracept during the marital act because I feel our communication in-and outside the bed room could be much better if we didn't.. .. I have been reading a lot lately and I have been so fascinated with..eg. theology of the body. I really have taken it to heart and wish to try to live it with you.. will you look at it with me?"

Start from yourself.. without any accusations
This all will be much easier if you otherwise have good communcation/ good friendship.

Just my two cents..
:)


#3

Well, I don't know what you can do to change her mind, but there is always hope to change her heart. I take it that she does not want to have more children, at least at present? So you still have sex but not intercourse...I'm somewhat surprised she isn't using contraception - is she doing that because you don't want her to, or for reasons of her own? Is she at all interested in NFP? If another nurse were to teach the class, would she be more interested in it? I know a nurse isn't going to pay attention to just any old layperson when it comes to something in her field.

The whole idea that contracepting is an alienating process is so counter-culture it comes across as almost insane to modern women. I came of age in the 70's when Roe v. Wade made abortion legal and Doe v. Bolton made it legal for almost any reason during all 9 mos. of pregnancy. Because of birth control, sex was viewed as completely separate from creating children, and getting pregnant accidentally was like a side effect and could be taken care of with an abortion. Now we have had more than 30 years of this mindset and women have been brainwashed to the point where they can't even understand that sex was given to us in order to create life in the first place. Even some otherwise religious women have a mental block because they have been so indoctrinated to believe it's all about THEIR bodies so they need to keep control of it.

Somehow, you need to stay in your marriage so you can teach your daughter differently, but it's not going to be easy. Your boy will be a little easier since YOU are the primary role model and you will teach him how to treat females, how to resist porn and early sexuality, but since your daughter will be affected by her mother's attitudes, you will have your hands full trying to counteract all of that. Whatever you do, take your position and never ever waver. Maintain God's standards and never compromise ("Well, if we don't put her on birth control, she'll just get pregnant!") Teach her purity and to value herself more highly than to spoil the gift God meant for her husband only. You WILL have an effect, since you will be teaching her to truly honor and care for herself. Doing God's will feels right and living according to the world's standards hurts us. Model that for her.

I will put you and your wife into my prayers. If you can get her around some pro-life nurses, that would be helpful too. Anything that brings her into contact with other medical professionals who not only know the facts about birth control/abortion may have a positive effect.


#4

[quote="GraceDK, post:2, topic:233860"]

Maybe she can use a condom for women?

I
:)

[/quote]

:confused:

the rest of your post was great but why would you suggest a female condom when he does not want to contracept at all??? Male or female, barriers to life are against God's intentions for our sexuality.


#5

You are right… I read the opening post too fast and wasn’t thinking :o

I know its against the teaching of the church for him to use condoms… but he would not commit sin if his wife was using a condom. Thats why I said it.
But I was wrong to say it because it is irrelevant to the situation, and doesn’t solve the problem at all.


#6

Please don't take this wrong, OP...but I am serious.

I think you need to work out some problems that deal with the fact you haven't had marital relations for almost three years....then worry about the rest. can't worry about contraception unless you have sex to begin with....

One of you are suffering .... Or both of you....go out on a date, let someone watch little one, work on that marriage...


#7

You are on the right track. If you can bring your wife around then you will be doing God's work in a powerful way.

You are not the only one out there that suffers with a wife that rejects church teaching. It is a cross to bear. Carry it with perserverence and quiet determination.

Most importantly, never give up and pray often. Check into a "plan of life" that prescribes prayerful activity at various times of the day, weekly activities, monthly and annual activities.

I will pray for you.


#8

[quote="DJgang, post:6, topic:233860"]
Please don't take this wrong, OP...but I am serious.

I think you need to work out some problems that deal with the fact you haven't had marital relations for almost three years....then worry about the rest. can't worry about contraception unless you have sex to begin with....

One of you are suffering .... Or both of you....go out on a date, let someone watch little one, work on that marriage...

[/quote]

I think they are having sex, just not intercourse.

:blush:


#9

[quote="TheRealJuliane, post:8, topic:233860"]
I think they are having sex, just not intercourse.

:blush:

[/quote]

:blush: well, that's no fun......:blush:


#10

[quote="TheRealJuliane, post:3, topic:233860"]
Whatever you do, take your position and never ever waver. Maintain God's standards and never compromise.

[/quote]

I think you can perfectly apply this advice to your own marriage, Michael. You might be able to convince your wife to obey the Church, or might not. She might understand the theological arguments that form the basis of the Church's teaching on sexual morality, or she might not. This is not simply an intellectual matter, it's a matter of obedience. Your wife should have no expectation to fully understand everything before she starts obeying. Jesus Christ gave the authority to the Catholic Church, and expects us to obey its teachings.

Abraham obeyed and was ready to sacrifice his son, even though he didn't understand why God commanded him to do so. When we forbid our children to play with knives, fire, and electricity, we don't wait for them to become medical doctors and PhDs in physics and electrotechnics before they start obeying. No, obedience comes first, and understanding follows. Those children who refuse to obey may get killed in an accident well before they reach the age of being able to understand why they were forbidden to play with those dangerous things.

The Church has received the charism to know right from wrong, and the Church has spoken clearly about what's permitted, and what's sinful to do. Regardless of whether your wife is willing to submit herself to the teachings of our Church, it's important that you stand your ground and do the right thing. You can (should) invite her to obey the Church, but regardless of whether she will obey or not, you must make sure that you obey and you lead by example, even if your wife is not willing to follow.


#11

Wow! Great post by Joseph. Thanks.


#12

[quote="MichaelP71, post:1, topic:233860"]
Is there any good way of telling a very liberal thinking wife that you no longer want to contracept? I mean this including sexual acts that are contraceptive in nature.

[/quote]

No. I don't think there is. Certainly in love and charity. Perhaps approach it by studying Christopher West or Greg Popcak's books together.

[quote="MichaelP71, post:1, topic:233860"]
I guess it is kind of weird to have the guy say he doesn't want to receive or give any of those acts any more. My feelings are that they don't bring me any closer to her and they seem so sterile and for lack of better words...impersonal, when used by themselves.

[/quote]

It is not weird, it is virtuous. These acts are not only "impersonal" they are morally grave matter.

[quote="MichaelP71, post:1, topic:233860"]
I get the fact that men most times reach the "finish" before women do and as the husband I should "help" help her and have no concerns about that. I am also aware that NFP can sometimes give the contraceptive mindset. However I am unemployed (2 yrs) and believe this is a legitimate reason for relying on NFP.

[/quote]

Certainly NFP can be used for just reasons, through prayer and discernment as a couple. No one here can evaluate whether or not your reasons are just. You hav concluded that they are and that is what is important.

[quote="MichaelP71, post:1, topic:233860"]
Wifey is a nurse so I need very strong arguments.

[/quote]

Someone who's heart is closed to God and whose mind is shut to the Truth will not find any argument compelling

[quote="MichaelP71, post:1, topic:233860"]
Did I mention she has VERY liberal views: abortion, same sex attraction, gay marriage, contraception, etc... All concerned are baptized Catholic. We have not had intercourse since my son (2yo) was conceived and are no longer using any pill or barrier. Might have something to do with my views on Planned Parenthood and THE PILL.

[/quote]

So, I'm a little confused. Were you both away from the Church when you married? Did you hold these same views? It just seems really odd that a person who embraces Church teaching would marry a person who rejects almost all of it. So, is there more to the story here?


#13

[quote="TheRealJuliane, post:3, topic:233860"]
Well, I don't know what you can do to change her mind, but there is always hope to change her heart. I take it that she does not want to have more children, at least at present? So you still have sex but not intercourse...I'm somewhat surprised she isn't using contraception - is she doing that because you don't want her to, or for reasons of her own? Is she at all interested in NFP? If another nurse were to teach the class, would she be more interested in it? I know a nurse isn't going to pay attention to just any old layperson when it comes to something in her field.

The whole idea that contracepting is an alienating process is so counter-culture it comes across as almost insane to modern women. I came of age in the 70's when Roe v. Wade made abortion legal and Doe v. Bolton made it legal for almost any reason during all 9 mos. of pregnancy. Because of birth control, sex was viewed as completely separate from creating children, and getting pregnant accidentally was like a side effect and could be taken care of with an abortion. Now we have had more than 30 years of this mindset and women have been brainwashed to the point where they can't even understand that sex was given to us in order to create life in the first place. Even some otherwise religious women have a mental block because they have been so indoctrinated to believe it's all about THEIR bodies so they need to keep control of it.

Somehow, you need to stay in your marriage so you can teach your daughter differently, but it's not going to be easy. Your boy will be a little easier since YOU are the primary role model and you will teach him how to treat females, how to resist porn and early sexuality, but since your daughter will be affected by her mother's attitudes, you will have your hands full trying to counteract all of that. Whatever you do, take your position and never ever waver. Maintain God's standards and never compromise ("Well, if we don't put her on birth control, she'll just get pregnant!") Teach her purity and to value herself more highly than to spoil the gift God meant for her husband only. You WILL have an effect, since you will be teaching her to truly honor and care for herself. Doing God's will feels right and living according to the world's standards hurts us. Model that for her.

I will put you and your wife into my prayers. If you can get her around some pro-life nurses, that would be helpful too. Anything that brings her into contact with other medical professionals who not only know the facts about birth control/abortion may have a positive effect.

[/quote]

We cannot afford to have another child at present since I have been and am currently unemployed. We do other things but are not having intercourse, unfortunately and have not for almost 3 years. When she goes back to the gynocologist she will probably have herslef put back on to "regulate her periods". I have not brought up NFP and she will probably not take me seriously...but I cannot judge her heart. Yeah she might listen to another nurse but she has no reason to use NFP since there is the pill and its' just so easy and its' good for you.

I am NOT contemplating leaving. The children and my want to do God's will keeps me here.

Lastly I am not sure how to get her around some Pro-Life nurses. She has her heels dug in for the Pro-Choice, argument. I would love to have a Pro-Life nurse talk to her though even just to make her think about it. My lips moving and vocal cords vibrating do no good.


#14

[quote="DJgang, post:6, topic:233860"]
Please don't take this wrong, OP...but I am serious.

I think you need to work out some problems that deal with the fact you haven't had marital relations for almost three years....then worry about the rest. can't worry about contraception unless you have sex to begin with....

One of you are suffering .... Or both of you....go out on a date, let someone watch little one, work on that marriage...

[/quote]

Yes you right. We both want it but she suggests condoms...and I guess I am tired of what feels like put downs, etc...

Honestly, I think we are both suffering.


#15

[quote="Samuel63, post:7, topic:233860"]
You are on the right track. If you can bring your wife around then you will be doing God's work in a powerful way.

You are not the only one out there that suffers with a wife that rejects church teaching. It is a cross to bear. Carry it with perserverence and quiet determination.

Most importantly, never give up and pray often. Check into a "plan of life" that prescribes prayerful activity at various times of the day, weekly activities, monthly and annual activities.

I will pray for you.

[/quote]

I will carry it quietly and persevere. I ask the BVM to take my hand and to help me.

Plan of life?? Do you mean pray continuously type of thing? Maybe you have something more specific for me?


#16

[quote="TheRealJuliane, post:8, topic:233860"]
I think they are having sex, just not intercourse.

:blush:

[/quote]

You got it.


#17

Will she listen to a cd by Dr. Janet Smith called "Contraception Why Not?" It is very good!


#18

I would remind myself in matters like these (actually, in life): God first, then marriage, then kids, then career, then everything and everyone else. That means that God's laws come first. Contraception is a grave matter (a mortal sin) because it is contrary to God's plan of being co-creators. Why not just say firmly (but gently) that you no longer want to contracept and that you'd like to try NFP? I've never used artificial contraception; we've used NFP and it is quite accurate and will bring the two of you closer together because it will involve both of you working together (don't know if you know how it works, but it involves taking basal temps each morning before getting up). The divorce rate for couples using NFP is only around 2% compared to people using artificial BC (substantially greater!!!)

I honestly don't think that her being a nurse has anything to do with her refusal to follow church teachings about contraception. I'd be very gentle; but on the other hand, if she were concerned about your own feelings about this, she would consider it.

Hope this helps you.:)


#19

[quote="MichaelP71, post:1, topic:233860"]
PLEASE, ONLY SERIOUS REPLIES!
Is there any good way of telling a very liberal thinking wife that you no longer want to contracept? I mean this including sexual acts that are contraceptive in nature. I guess it is kind of weird to have the guy say he doesn't want to receive or give any of those acts any more. My feelings are that they don't bring me any closer to her and they seem so sterile and for lack of better words...impersonal, when used by themselves. I get the fact that men most times reach the "finish" before women do and as the husband I should "help" help her and have no concerns about that. I am also aware that NFP can sometimes give the contraceptive mindset. However I am unemployed (2 yrs) and believe this is a legitimate reason for relying on NFP. Wifey is a nurse so I need very strong arguments. Did I mention she has VERY liberal views: abortion, same sex attraction, gay marriage, contraception, etc... All concerned are baptized Catholic. We have not had intercourse since my son (2yo) was conceived and are no longer using any pill or barrier. Might have something to do with my views on Planned Parenthood and THE PILL.

[/quote]

Tell her you want to love here another way. The way God intended. Read about Theology Of the Body (TOB) and tell her THIS is the way to be loved!

But most of all, pray for her. Pray that she'll be open to the ideas in TOB. If not, love her anyway.

Your prayerful reasons for NFP usage is not arguable here. NFP, your wife should know is VERY helpful with diagnosis of other "female ailments" and should be practiced even if you don't wish to avoid conceptiona at this time.

Sounds, too, like there is more going on here than the fact that she's liberal and you are not. I hope you understand that nagging never helped a man convert his heart, but loving usually does. I would assume the same is true for women.


#20

For a plan of life, there are many out there. It is a flexible plan you can put together to fit your needs. Try to add to it over time. Start small.

Do a google search: +catholic +"plan of life"

Here is one simple result: catholicphoenix.com/2010/09/02/examination-of-conscience-the-source-of-true-spirtual-growth/

Here is a better one: weareacatholicfamily.blogspot.com/2008/11/plan-of-lifewheat-ewtn.html

The big pieces are: daily prayers, mass, rosary, frequent confession, day of recollection, annual retreat.

For recollection and retreats, look into what is offered by www.mileschristi.org. This group is positively fantasatic!


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