Telling the truth


#1

Hey everyone,

I told something to my girlfriend that I thought was true (regarding marriage), that thing I told her made her feel more confidant in our relationship.
This was like 2 months ago, early in our relationship (now a little over 3 months).
I have recently found out it isn't true. I discussed it with a priest who is a friend, and he said we should talk about it someday before we get married (it is regarding the married life) but it doesn't need to be right now (I'm moving close to her to be able to discern a couple of more things better) and he said I don't have to make a drama about it. Me, being extremely drama prone have been losing sleep about it because I am afraid of leading her on. I am moving close to her this month and I'm afraid that saying this thing regarding marriage to her will dissolve our relationship or in some way make her lose her confidence in me (me not saying the truth in the first place) but I'm also afraid of waiting too long into the relationship and then it may break her heart even more (waiting so long to tell her). I don't know if it's a "deal-breaker" or not. I am also assuming that the topic will appear in the future because we haven't talked about a lot of things regarding married life. Should I say this thing to her as soon as possible? Even if it's not in person? (We are living far away from each other right now.) Should I tell her as soon as I'm close to her? Should I wait until the matter surfaces again? Should I tell her then when I learned about it? I don't know exactly what to do because I don't want to hurt her, but now that I did everything in my power to be close to her I'm afraid that all of this (leaving family, job and friends) will have been for nothing... if it does end up being a "deal-breaker".
I don't want to hold the truth from her...
I love her and I don't want to hurt her.
What should I do?


#2

From what it sounds like, when you told her, you believed it to be true. So you weren't lying to her. I think the sooner you tell her the better. Otherwise you're going to be more and more worried about it. And if she is the one for you, she'll understand and accept you for you. Marriage is about complete open communication, so it's good to start that practice while dating. I'd say tell her this week. Before the move happens, that way things will smooth over before the stress of moving comes along. Good luck!


#3

There is a very distinct difference between lying and telling an untruth because you were misinformed. Lying implies intent to deceive. From what you said, you were not lying. You were merely uninformed.

What you could do is mention that you made a mistake, and that at the time what you thought was true, wasn't. You sought counselling on the matter from a priest, who was much more informed than you on the matter, and he straightened you out. Then, you apologize for having given her the wrong information and tell her that you really didn't intend to do so.

Then, your conscience is clear, and you'll never have that hiding beneath the surface.


#4

Regardless of what your intent was at the start, whether you meant to deceive or not...it doesn't matter...because your girl is not going to even think about that...if it's something she's going to get angry with then she's going to get angry..

The thing you have to remember though is that if she loves you, your relationship will stay strong and in time the fact that you came clean and tested her love for instead of hiding away will benefit you....if however your relationship diminishes...then she wasn't the one for you.


#5

[quote="dskysmine, post:1, topic:250523"]
I discussed it with a priest who is a friend, and he said .....

[/quote]

this is your answer
you have already discussed your issue with a priest and gotten good advice
the question is not what to do, but why you disregard his advice and are still obsessing about this minor issue
what makes you think input from strangers who don't know you is going to be more helpful than counsel from a priest who knows you, your situation, and your issue?


#6

You didn’t understand my issue. I know that I wasn’t lying. I know that I have to tell her the truth. My problem isn’t explaining that I was wrong. The question is “when?”. My problem is that if I tell her now there is the possibility that it is a deal-breaker and I am just moving to getting to know her better for nothing. The priest didn’t tell me to go running and tell her this thing. He told me that we would have to talk about it before discerning marriage. We both are into this relationship because we want to get married, of course, but we are still trying to find out if seeing each other in a more day to day life will keep both of us committed to the relationship. We have been in a long distance relationship for 3 months and even though in physical we only have around 3 weeks of relationship we have discussed a lot about what we both want. I just feel that this thing I said that was actually not true is in a sense “telling her” something that isn’t true, but it may not be so. I am asking advice from you because you are girls and I want to know if saying something that can be a deal-breaker is better said early or late in the relationship.


#7

Sometimes, it is not a good idea to tell everything too soon because when you don't know someone a lot of things are deal breakers. Once you know someone's good qualities, then 'deal breakers' are less rigid. So it is good to wait.

However, this is a totally different scenario. You already had the discussion. And you now know you innocently misinformed her. The sooner you tell her the better. The longer you wait the more she will be thinking 'How could you have not corrected this earlier. How can I trust you going forward'

Tell her ASAP

But since I do not know what the issue is, I really can't tell you if it is a deal breaker or not. But the promptness in correcting the situation is definelty a check mark in the 'He is a keeper' side

CM


#8

Having no clue what the issue is about, no one can know if it might be a deal breaker or not. :confused:

But if the issue's already been talked about, and you gave the wrong answer, then correct it immediately. No sense leading her on if it may, in fact, be a deal breaker.


#9

[quote="dskysmine, post:6, topic:250523"]
You didn't understand my issue. I know that I wasn't lying. I know that I have to tell her the truth. My problem isn't explaining that I was wrong. The question is "when?"..

[/quote]

you are quite right, I do not understand why the advice the priest gave you is not good enough as it seems to answer this question


#10

[quote="puzzleannie, post:9, topic:250523"]
you are quite right, I do not understand why the advice the priest gave you is not good enough as it seems to answer this question

[/quote]

Because his advice was that I would have to talk to her "eventually"... not now! I am thinking of telling her even before I move there, even though I will have to move there in the middle of this month and she is supposed to be helping me with the moving. That's why!


#11

[quote="dskysmine, post:10, topic:250523"]
Because his advice was that I would have to talk to her "eventually"... not now! I am thinking of telling her even before I move there, even though I will have to move there in the middle of this month and she is supposed to be helping me with the moving. That's why!

[/quote]

This really depends on the issue. I know one thing, for me there are certain "deal breakers" that aren't going to change... ever.

If, for example, I was dating someone who, let's say, changed their minds about wanting to eventually have children (and decided they didn't) then waited a year to tell me... my answer would be "I'm sorry you felt you needed to wait so long and make what is about to happen hurt worse for both of us." Then again, if it were a case of they found out they CAN'T have children and told me immediately, I'd probably stick with them and be supremely glad about their honesty.

I also think the priest gave you the wrong advice about the "eventually" part. You told her an answer you THOUGHT was true, so it wasn't a lie... but now she is acting and will continue to act on information YOU gave her which you now KNOW to be false. To let her continue to act and make life-changing decisions based on false information is to knowingly deceive by omission.

In your shoes, I would trust her to think objectively and not react with too much emotional response. If she's an objective and mature person, her "deal breakers" don't change just because you waited to net her in tighter (or told her sooner!). And, in fact, if you tell her and she finds out how long you waited to tell her, your ongoing cover-up might be a deal breaker in itself!


#12

Well... I now already told her.
It wasn't so hard as I expected it to be.
Her reaction was actually better than what I thought it would be.
I guessed correctly that it was a deal breaker because I think she is now secretly expecting me to not comply with this Teaching because I made a mistake about it.
At least I feel happy to have it out of my chest...
At least we didn't break up through Skype. That would be devastating...

Thank you a lot for helping me. =)


#13

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