There is a particular sin I am strangely and relatively newly tempted to. Honestly, my husband is tempted to it as well. It’s like we’re falling together. I don’t want to say what the sin is because I know people on here can be cruel and have said things in the past that they probably thought would help but only scandalized my faith.
My husband is no help in avoiding this sin. He seems to be running toward it faster than I am. And it feels inevitable. It feels like the efforts I’ve made to bat it away only delay what will happen. Honestly, the circumstances around it are so coincidental that if they were paths to virtue, I’d say God was intervening. So is the devil attacking me? Is God allowing this to help me grow in humility? What the heck has happened to me?
Maybe I’m just fighting the sin the wrong way. I remind myself mostly about how humiliating it is to have to confess this sin. Even behind a screen, I just expect shock and horror from the priest. My husband just says “They’ve heard it all.” Maybe it’s that I try to combat it with pride. Maybe it’s that a part of me doesn’t feel its so wrong because my husband wants to take this path with me. Who is it harming? Isn’t it supposed to harm someone? If only my husband were hurt by it, it’d be so much easier to avoid.
I’ll probably find some resolve again to avoid it on Sunday when I go to Mass. But I’m tempted to just refrain from communion and not go to confession until I actually can honestly say I will avoid the near occassion of sin. I’m not. I have no firm resolution. I am too attached to the near occassion of sin. The act of contrition is such a lie for me right now.
Please pray for me.