I am still taking antibiotics and feeling under the weather. But I wanted to share that my husband and I discussed reconciliation tonight, after some frightening moments yesterday. I don’t know how it will go. I wanted to mention that he is referencing suicide himself so please pray for him. He can’t work any more–he’s going out on contract and getting sent home early and not getting paid. It always meant so much so him to be the provider, and he is overly concerned with material wealth. However I think I have finally scared him out of his abusing me and taking advantage of me by pushing this divorce thing forward. He seemed relieved and near tears when I asked him if maybe we could just drop it, forget all the bad and agree to live here together. He has a problem with a stated cult of selfishness (“living for himself”) that his parents encouraged when he was an adolescent and he has some problems that made that make sense to him, but I think he is finally realizing there are others out there, for instance, that I have feelings too. My parents got him all mixed up. There are also two neighboring families involved in our long-standing family situation who have interfered, but in Christ I have been able to address and let go of those issues. Part of it I have to leave to my son to forgive. And of course I understand now that I have to always be searching myself as well for my own errors whatever evil may have befallen me from whatever source.
It is late at night, I don’t sleep at night at all now, (I am sick right now, so I’ve been sleeping during the day, it’s complicated), and sometimes Alex, my husband, says things at night and changes in the morning.
But if it is the Lord’s will for the two of us to stay here together I would embrace that.
Studying the prayer to St. Michael Archangel so that I can say it for myself in the future, if I feel beset by evil demons again, but although I am ill I have felt at peace today. I am reviewing all my prayer threads and hoping to be able to follow at least some of all the good advice that was given, it will take time. The bad nerve in the ball of my foot is leaving me a little jittery but I am back in my old psychiatrist’s care and although I was fearful at first that he was angry at me I am feeling much more trusting and supported again now. I don’t think he is Catholic but he is a God-fearing man.
Bless him, and bless all of you.
I am feeling a little scattered but I just want to say, my life has been a terrible ordeal and the last few years and especially the last few months have been the worst of it, and I hope to be able to apply all that I have learned here to have a better future. Thank you again for all of your prayers.