I’ve talked a lot about struggling with pornography and the results of the sin. After having multiple discussions with my pastor I think I’ve figures out what is up although it feels strange to me.
Because of some problems in these few months, I’ve taken an even bigger accounting of my spiritual life. I’ve become that much more involved in being “clean” in case my time comes. Obviously we should be striving to be like that but for me it has become something that is a few steps below being fanatical about it.
I’ve realized that I enjoy the feeling after the Sacrament of Reconciliation for a few days (although I become nervous and at times forgotten for a moment the things I need to confess). However the euphoria is fleeting and is eventually replaced with something that is best described as “all-consuming”. I’m left with this void called “Am I still clean?”
I end up questioning a lot of things as if the tinniest thing can lead to condemnation. Whether it’s something I said or a thought/daydream that passes through my head or a deed I committed. What I come to believe is that when that void hits it makes me spiritually panic. I guess what ends up happening is I become a “Spritual Hypocondriac”.
I believe this feeling becomes so intense that it affects me subconsciously. You don’t go to confession if there is nothing you need to confess at the time. I think what happens is subsconsciously I give in towards sin so that I can confess my misdeeds and have that feeling of being cleansed (not to be confused with committing sin and going to confession with the intent of doing it again). My pastor and I have talked about this and he considered it a “trial and error” situation.
Anyways that’s all I have. I wanted to see if there are other people who feel this way or if someone can help me control this.
God bless you all and especially god bless to those who helped me, wherever they are.