That old school feeling of being seen as a sinner, and not able to participate

I am new to this sort of thing, starting a thread, but i asure you, if the thread has already been done, i am the one who will NOT find it. A girl could get dizzy real fast trying to find her footing in here.

I am asking for advice, not a repramand, or a list of wrong doing. I am asking for a someone to speak kindly and show me the way as to how to advise my little sister in her situation. I do not want to debate, fight, or get into name calling. I simply want to share, and be welcomed in this reaching for help. If you are not able to be kind here, i ask you simply keep it to yourself, as i am about showing Christ like behaviour, not about being right.

Ok, that being said, here is the situation. My sister as a young teenager had a baby out of wedlock. This baby is now my lovely niece of 17. Both mother and daughter are a part of, and attend church regularly with my parents. Although not proud of the situation, she did her best to do right for her little girl, and raised her with excellent morals, and a teen who has taken it upon herself to ask me for help in educating herself about remaining a virgin. Feeling pressured, she wanted help to feel ok about saying no, and it being a rightful place in her life AFTER marriage.

Then you have me, with a son who passed away 4 years ago, and my sister on her deathbed on dialisys every two days, with tubes out of her neck. She had less than 2% use of her kidney. and came to live with me for the two months following my sons funeral. He was terminally ill, and the first grandson. Dealing with longevity, he brought many to understand Gods plan, and helping so many in this family turn their life back around, and come home to God.

My sister is a beautiful person, loves God dearly, and finally got her chance at a kidney transplant from my little brother. She leads an entirely different life now, and values each day being so close to death for so long. She ended up engaged to be married, they bought a house, and had their wedding date planned, and then a glitch at the last second from her fiance’s ex wife fighting the annulment. This left them living together, but she remained firm on the no premarital sex part, and he had to care for her, as she once again got very sick and nearly died on us.

They discovered the home they bough was sold without disclosure, and was built over an old gas station with the tanks still in the ground. They discovered the information, moved out that day, and within 48 hours, she was walking again. So scare number two hit her and again she faced still living with her husband to be, and due to emergency moving on the spot, moved back home with my parents. Da nearly had a fit till he realized the union was not a sinful one.

This being said, they awaited the annulment, and the day she got it went directly to the church to book her wedding, as she wanted the very first date available, to right this whole living in sin that no one believed was not sinful. Any who…The priest refused to deal with her, said it was a scam for her to even be married in white, and an imbarasment to the community. He finally said he would marry them, but my father was not allowed to walk her down the isle because there was nothing to give away, she had given it away many years ago. He refused to announce the wedding, as advertiseing sinfull unions were an imbarasment, and an example not to make for the younger of the congrigation.

So, my littel sister has never been married, and between my father and my son, the entire family learned the old code of ethics in doing the right thing, and was led home to Mother Church.

So, if she has been absolved of all past sins YEARS ago, and remaind out of sin in this manner, and anulments on her husband to be were given (his ex walked out and left him and his two kids)
They found love, God…and his kids are not catholic, but he believed the children should all practice the same faith, and his teenage daughter made her first communion, and was ready to make her confirmation soon. They truly are on the right path. To know them is to know this.

Can this priest actually deny her from being married with her father walking her down the isle due to her imbarrasment to society?

This has deeply wounded my sister in the eyes of the faith, and any chances of helping her new husband become Catholic.

A mess, yes, any information i can share with her on the behaviour of the priest towards the state of her soul, and his refusal to see past this…past?


**Wow:(. Find a new priest. The way your sister has been treated is horrible. We had a situation in my family like that years ago and I know how much lasting damage it can do. Please find a new, more compassionate priest who will follow the Church’s teachings and not his own human opinion. **

Thank you for your response…she got married in another church, but has been attending the said church for 18 years, and is broken hearted it was not in her own church. She does not even want to go to church anymore. I told her she should report this, but she would never do this.

Is it just me, or is there a lot that i can tell her that he did wrong.
I do not want to bash him, but if properly educated in the rules, maybe she can clearly see, that this is the priests error, and not God’s error.

Normally she’d see this, but he plainly made her feel like a “whore” she said, and then she broke down crying. She said to me, you know i’m not a whore Lana, right?

So very sad…anyone got any ideas where he went wrong, so i can put before her a list, and then work on explaining them to her, and make sure she remains on her walk with the Lord!


**I would post your question in the ask an apologist forum to be sure you are getting answers that are in line with Catholic teaching. I don’t want you to go to your sister with a list that was made up by people like me who, while I would have her best interests at heart, could be wrong.

But I can tell you that in my own humble opinion I bet most modern priests would be jumping up and down and praising the Lord if someone came in and told him that they were living with their long term fiance but WERE NOT having sex. He would most likely be very honored to celebrate their wedding and help them make things right.


I will do that, as soon as i figure out how…it took me a half hour to figure out how to start my own thread…

And now go to apologetics…hmm, is that 2 blocks south, and then make a right turn at the cafe?

Get this, her last fiance was her photographer!!! and gave her a 50% discount on everything. I tell you, she is liked and respected, and it hurts me to see her feel so bad about herself and feel so unworthy of God (The priest represents this to her)
Christina, her daughter playing the flute at the wedding…
Her husband Billy looking into her eyes…
This is after the ceremony…
Durring…look at the CRUCIFIX…nice pic.
Afterwards…the picture is her reflection…

I live half way across Canada from her, and was not able to attend…but these pictures proved to me she was happy in
her love, and choices…now to remove the hurt heart.


What a beautiful bride and couple!

I agree with Malia - your sister needs to move on and get away from this pain and find a new priest. I would suggest that she write down the situation and send it to the Bishop and let him know how this was handled (VERY POORLY).

Glad she is now happy and has put things right in her life. :thumbsup:


I wondered about the Biship…but i know she would view this as tatle takeing, and walk away. I bet i would not be allowed to speak on her behalf, being half way across Canada from her, would I?


You can always contact the bishop or diocesean office regarding the treatment of your sister. Priests are always warning us to be careful in our behavior to speak the truth WITH compassion. This priest seemed to miss the memo. I know that I have emailed diocese that I have attended mass at one of their parishes once because of the number of liturgical abuses. A priest abuse in the form of a reprimand toward your sister (and yes, to me, I thought that he was basically still punishing her for her sins that were already forgiven, shame on him) should be reported. Don’t be surprised, however, if the diocese has a policy where they must use your name (they’ll ask permission first) in order to address this issue with this priest.

He kinda gave her the scarlet letter treatment…i thought. But i do not have a problem using my name, as it will be truth, and there is nothing ashamed of that. I know priests have a big job to do, and there can be the ocasionl falling to the way sade, but this all occured over 4 months of visits to him. He was being non commital, and kept sending her away. Then when she finally had her fiance’s anulment, they had a green light for marriage.

So, to me this was more than a one time thing, it is his belief and regular treatment of this topic or subject. Scarry!

Thank you for your kind advice, i will put it to work gently.


It’s always so incredibly sad when these things happen. :frowning:

My father built the parish hall at his parish–at cost–and was a former Grand Knight of the Knights of Columbus for the parish’s area. When he died though the pastor refused to do his funeral because my father had once had a fight with one of the other priests! Needless to say, my mother was devastated. Fortunately my sister’s Methodist minister stepped up and took care of things.

That your sister would have been treated like that is absolutely horrible, but not unexpected as their are many priests out there who are all too human and capable of horrible judgment and normal human failings.

I don’t know that anything you can say or list would help much. When it is one in authority doing the hurting, it usually takes another of equal or greater authority to right things. In my mother’s case it was our own local priest who took her in his arms and cried with her in her pain, assuring her that that is not the Church, just a flawed human mistake.

My family left our local parish because of attitudes like what you describe coming in, and now drive nearly an hour to another parish where the face of Christ always beckons. It was very hard to leave our parish family, where we had attended mass for many years, but one’s walk with God has to come ahead of such things.

Hopefully the priest at the parish where your sister was married will more deeply recognize his duties, and the damaging influence that wrong attitudes can have on God’s already wounded sheep. Heaven knows we don’t need to wound any more.

Peace be with all of you Lana.

I am very surprised your sister was treated in that manner by the parish priest! I would bring it up with the Bishop or at least move to different parishes.

I got married at a Canadian Inner-City church and at our pre-marital courses, there were couples in there who were living together ( at least half of them ) and some even had kids and it wasn’t really a big deal.

I am sorry your sister went through unfair treatment. I really think a lot of things should be left in the confessional.

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