The consequences of pre-marital sex


#1

My own personal experience.

Since I did this horrible thing I just cannot get over it. Sure, I am over my ex by now – totally normal and expected. But this is just one thing I cannot get over. And it plagues me constantly. I don’t quite know how to express it.

I feel like I betrayed her. Sure, she is a secular person and I was far from her first and certainly not her last, and sex to her is just something people do, but I betrayed her. I wasn’t the man that I should have been. I was just like every other guy. I was no better than them. I thought I was loving her but I wasn’t. I see that now. And that hurts the most. I can get over the fact that she was my first (and last outside of marriage). That was my mistake, my own stupidity, my own naivety, my own blindness, my own lust, my own sin, my own fault. But to do that to her. I didn’t show her what sex meant. Or at least, I didn’t try to. Yeah, maybe I didn’t know at the time what I was doing. But I should have. And I don’t care that it means nothing to her. Because I did fail as a ‘boyfriend’, as a Catholic and above all as a man.

I get images in my head; flashbacks. It tortures me. Constantly. I feel like I’ve just come from the war! It’s torture. I just want to forget that it happened. I’ve learnt my lesson. How could I ever be worthy now of another woman? A pure woman even? When I treated someone with (what I see now as) no respect. When we both lied to each other by making promises with our bodies that we couldn’t and didn’t keep. When we used contraception. When we did these things in other peoples houses.

It weighs on me. I know it sounds dramatic, I know! But it’s like punishment. I feel guilt, remorse, anger, disgust and sorrow all at the same time. Constantly. Constantly. Constantly. It’s on my mind. It’s there. The fact that I did it. That fact that we did it. That images. The thoughts. That I did those things with her. I failed God, I failed her, I failed my future wife (if it is God’s will to be married) and I failed myself.

Sigh. :bighanky:


#2

Hi :), I don't know if this will help but here goes. When thoughts come into my mind in regards to my past unchaste mistakes and it creates sadness or frustration or disgust in my heart...I look up to Heaven and thank God.

Thank God that instead of suffering the eternal torments of Hell, you instead have to endure the memory of making a grave mistake. I'm sure we can assume that the latter is much less burdensome than the former.

Thank God that even though you have learned the hard way, you have certainly learned from your mistake and are willing to make reparation. God is pleased with your repentance. Ask Him how you can use your pain for the betterment of others. Perhaps you could find ways to teach others to remain chaste, especially other young adults and teenagers.

Thank God that He sent His one and only Son to suffer and die for all of humanity's sins. Give your sins and pain to Jesus and He will give you back His peace and redemption.

Pray for your ex-girlfriend but don't get down on yourself. You are a human being with weaknesses, just like the rest of us. Thank Jesus for your weaknesses for when you are weak, you are strong as "power is made perfect in weakness" (2 Corinthians 12:8-10).

You are in my prayers ;)
God bless,
Jennifer


#3

I think everyone knows what the guilt and remorse that you are speaking of feels like. I used to try to embrace these awful feelings thinking that if I kept them around it would stop me from making the same mistakes again.

I was wrong. When I focused on this guilt I found that I'd fall back into sin time and time again. But then I learned that I should focus on God's forgivness of my sins and his extreme love for me; and only when I focus on this am I able to avoid falling into the same sin again.

God loves and forgives you.

God Bless!


#4

Not to make light of your situation at all, but have you considered that you are beating yourself up too much? It could very well be that what is causing you ongoing pain is little more than a small chapter in her life. It's possible, maybe even likely, that she's moved past that time in her life no real difficulty. And perhaps whatever spiritual path she has chosen — or not chosen —* has little or nothing to do with anything you did or did not do? I'm not saying it's wrong to be concerned, feel remorse, etc. I just don't think it's healthy, productive, etc. to get caught in a cycle where that is all you feel.


#5

[quote="Lutheranteach, post:4, topic:207688"]
Not to make light of your situation at all, but have you considered that you are beating yourself up too much? It could very well be that what is causing you ongoing pain is little more than a small chapter in her life. It's possible, maybe even likely, that she's moved past that time in her life no real difficulty. And perhaps whatever spiritual path she has chosen — or not chosen —* has little or nothing to do with anything you did or did not do?

[/quote]

I did consider that, but I don't see it as myself beating myself up. I would rather not do it than do it. However... it remains. And yes, it is little more than a chapter in her life, I have been told by people she has since been with a few guys since me and that means nothing to me and causes me no pain. I understand that and it should make me think well whatever. But it doesn't. It is more than that.


#6

The consequences of pre-marital sex can and will affect you until you die. It's re-percussions will be evident for the rest of your life. So, to make a long story short, DON"T DO IT~!

:thumbsup:

Think first!


#7

Well, you cannot go back and change the past. But you can start loving her properly now by praying for her. Say a rosary novena for her to come to love God above all else and to value herself properly so that she doesn't live that lifestyle all her life. Pray that she will find a man who will love her properly, if that is God's will, or if not that she will come so close to God that she will be happy without a romantic/sexual relationship.

Proper love wants the best for the other person. If you pray for her, particularly if it is a difficult sacrifice of time, like a rosary novena, then you are helping her in the best way possible, and with God's help, easing your own conscience as well.

However, and this is important, if you are praying a rosary for her, just state the intentions before starting, and then concentrate on the mysteries during the rosary. I am NOT suggesting that it would be a good idea to think about her for 20 or so minutes a day for nine days, but that you should think about God on her behalf.

Also you may want to talk to a priest about it. I'm assuming that you have been to confession and been absolved. It sounds like you are having trouble accepting the absolution in your heart (as opposed to in your head) and maybe talking with a priest would help.

God bless you,

--Jen


#8

NewsTheMan, I found your post the most refreshing thing I have read in ages! Not the fact that you are tormented (more about that in a minute), but that you are gaining wisdom and waking up to what's real! You can be such a powerful force for good, after you have had a little time to heal. People need to hear your story when you are ready to tell it.

Let me give an example from my own life. I have a friend who had an abortion in college. She was tormented for many years, partly because she wasn't in a position to deal with what she'd done soon afterward as you are. But eventually she found Project Rachel and healing and was able to help others. I attended the Mass for the mothers who had aborted their babies and I think I went through more Kleenex than some of them, it was that moving. And my friend went on to ministry in Project Rachel helping others.

See, you are taking responsibility for a bad choice -- as a good person does!:thumbsup: That's a happy thing, ultimately. It's the ones that don't recognize what's going on that will not only suffer more, but will cause others to suffer. The guys (and gals) who don't care are poisoning the dating pool for those of us who want to find someone pure but can't.

Have you heard of "secondary virginity"? If not, look it up. Hopefully there will be some resources for guys on that as well as for girls. Also check out the Divine Mercy devotion to help yourself find assurance of God's mercy and forgiveness so you can go forward.

I will be praying for you -- you are sitting on spiritual gold, even if it's got to be dug out of a bit of mud at first. You can do it. You can be a leader of other young men to something that can transform the Culture of Death into the Gospel of Life. BE NOT AFRAID!!!:knight1:


#9

[quote="Lutheranteach, post:4, topic:207688"]
Not to make light of your situation at all, but have you considered that you are beating yourself up too much? It could very well be that what is causing you ongoing pain is little more than a small chapter in her life. It's possible, maybe even likely, that she's moved past that time in her life no real difficulty. And perhaps whatever spiritual path she has chosen — or not chosen —* has little or nothing to do with anything you did or did not do? I'm not saying it's wrong to be concerned, feel remorse, etc. I just don't think it's healthy, productive, etc. to get caught in a cycle where that is all you feel.

[/quote]

Maybe it's not only a sadness about what the relationship was and did to her, but what opportunity was missed to show her, and have her experience, a different kind of relationship. It sounds like she isn't/doesn't/didn't have the chance to be loved for herself rather than for what she was willing to do. The OP had the capacity to give her this and did not. It's a case of what she doesn't know is hurting her.

Of course I should not speak for him; it's just what I got out of the OP.


#10

My husband and I have been married over 26 years. We just became Catholic. When we dated, we did not wait for marriage. It is something that we both deeply regret. We are each others only partner in that regard but it is still something that we realize now was very wrong. It definitely took away those special moments of our wedding and initial married life. however, as they say, we can't unring that bell. So, as we had our first confessions, we both confessed this and were absolved of the sin. We both still feel badly about it but our priest told us that guilt is from God, shame is from Satan and he felt we were letting ourselves fall into shame. Perhaps this is what you are doing as well? Go to confession, pour your heart out, then ACCEPT God's forgiveness. Pray for your ex-girlfriend on a regular basis and for yourself. There is nothing you can do now but accept forgiveness and pray, then let God take care of healing you both.
I'll say a rosary for you tonight.


#11

NewsTM,

if you havent confessed this, do.

revert jen offered wonderfulexcellentgreat advice in this:

But you can start loving her properly now by praying for her. Say a rosary novena for her to come to love God above all else and to value herself properly so that she doesn't live that lifestyle all her life. Pray that she will find a man who will love her properly, if that is God's ... just state the intentions before starting, and then concentrate on the mysteries during the rosary. I am NOT suggesting that it would be a good idea to think about her for 20 or so minutes a day for nine days, but that you should think about God on her behalf.

wow. great.

and i'm going to add something else:

in Alcoholics Anonymous the 9th step says "make ammends to such people wherever possible except when to do so would injure them or others."

when i finally made ammends, i was SOOOO free.

i look at your original post and see the ammends right in there. i suggest you write it and send it along with your sincere committment to pray a rosary novena for her and to maybe offer up Masses for her.

Dear You,
this is not to win you back, but to face my conscience in regards to the wrong i've done to you. I betrayed (you). I wasn’t the man that I should have been. I was just like every other guy. I was no better than them. I thought I was loving (you) but I wasn’t. I didn’t show (you) what sex meant. .. I did fail as a ‘boyfriend’, as a Catholic and above all as a man. please forgive me."

then pray on it. if you then believe you should send it, do.


#12

Thank you for the advice! I have heard that before; that praying for someone is the best thing you could do for them :) so I suppose I will start today - I say the Rosary daily (scapular wearer!) so I can offer up my intentions for her. Which is actually quite relevant in a way - I am ashamed to say that she is a New Ager who used to say the most heinous things about our Lord in an attempt to anger me/be controversial. So maybe I will pray a lot for her on her behalf :-) Saying the Rosary means a lot to me, and at times it feels really bad because I have such devotion to our Lady (the Virgin of all Virgins and the Purest of us all!) and yet I did what I did. Thank you again for the thoughts.
p.s. I went to confession soon after our break-up and confessed everything, and it actually helped me break free from many different sins!

Wow thank you so much for your kind post! It made me smile and made me happy :p Hey, I hope I can be a powerful force for good! I think in some ways I am trying. For example - I have a girl friend who is just so so so so depressed that she is nearly finished university and still hasn't had sex (as if that is something to be sad about) and is now actively trying to do it. On one side there is me congratulating her, telling her how much I respect her, how staying pure is the best thing she could do, etc. On the other side are her friends (also my friends) telling her to do it (though having no real reasons to do it because, well, there are none!). Thank you again for your post - all of it is spiritual gold and it made me feel a heck of a lot better! (post again sometime ;) )

Thanks for the post! Bang on the money here! This is one of the big ones. I missed the opportunity to be a man of God and to be a real man - to show her what nobody else before me should have and what probably no one else will. Not that I want to be special and single myself out; more that I could have given her what she deserves, because it's what every women deserves and yet the world has failed them and made them think the opposite. I hope it doesn't come off as me just wanting to be a hero. That isn't the case at all.

Thank you for the post and a special thank you for the prayer :D I like that saying, guilt is from God shame is from Satan. I will dwell on that for a while and position myself accordingly if I can. As hard as it may be. It sounds so trivial and silly when I write it down, but sometimes I feel as if this is my cross to bear for the next few months/years/lifetime as someone so graciously reminded me in a post above. I have accepted God's forgiveness I think! But forgiving myself (cliched term, I know!) and dealing with everything has been harder than I thought it would be!

Thank you for your post! Very helpful! Hey, I have been thinking about making ammends for some time. But I mean... we don't speak anymore (ended very badly, as these things always do) and she is the type of person who would laugh and gossip about it and turn it around somehow (not exaggerating - yes, my ex was like a typical 'mean girl' type girl :p) so I think what would it help? Would I be able to change her heart? Would she let God in? Would she really care either way? Probably not. But I will pray on it. Thanks again for the post, it made me see things in perspective, and it was nice to see I had elements of an apology in my post :o


#13

That is sad that people are pressuring that girl -- I always wonder, will they be around to help her pick up the pieces when it's a train wreck? Most likely not.:(

NewsTheMan, I'm glad my post was helpful. Keep your focus on the Lord and you will do just fine.:) Peter denied the Lord 3 times and ended up being the first Pope; Judas let his guilt overwhelm him and look how he ended up.

:blessyou:


#14

Be glad it’s just her friends pressuring her. I had a friend whose mother took her to a gynecolegist to have a pap smear and get her a perscription for the Pill at the age of 12.

Very, very true.


#15

[quote="NewsTheMan, post:12, topic:207688"]

Wow thank you so much for your kind post! It made me smile and made me happy :p Hey, I hope I can be a powerful force for good! I think in some ways I am trying. For example - I have a girl friend who is just so so so so depressed that she is nearly finished university and still hasn't had sex (as if that is something to be sad about) and is now actively trying to do it. On one side there is me congratulating her, telling her how much I respect her, how staying pure is the best thing she could do, etc. On the other side are her friends (also my friends) telling her to do it (though having no real reasons to do it because, well, there are none!). Thank you again for your post - all of it is spiritual gold and it made me feel a heck of a lot better! (post again sometime ;) )

[/quote]

This scenario is a lot more common than you think. Have you spoken up and told her this? It would be good for her to hear it.


#16

If you went to confession and are not feeling God's full and complete forgiveness, you need to talk to a Priest or other spiritual director. Something is blocking your ability to let in God's love because you HAVE been forgiven and absolved of your sins. To think otherwise, is prideful ("I know better than God, I was too awful for forgiveness").

I think Jen's advice of replacing feeling guilty with providing a positive action - prayer - on a regularly scheduled basis is a great idea. It's my own little secret for kicking bad habits -- replace the bad with a good.

Might I also suggest a few days on retreat to a good, prayerful retreat center or monastery? Somewhere where you can get some spiritual counseling as well as time to do some serious prayer? Ask the Holy Spirit to allow you to let down your willful pride and let in God's healing forgiveness.

My husband and I co-habited for 8 years before we were married, and we didn't both come to the faith till years after that. But though I regret that, it does not scar me. I feel totally washed clean. If you have not yet experienced the full, complete sense of love and forgiveness, then you need to get on the ball and ASK for it. Storm heaven for it. And seek a good spiritual counselor to make sure you aren't suffering from scrupulosity.


#17

You are repentant, and that is very important :slight_smile: He has forgiven you. If you haven’t confessed this already, please do… but I think that maybe God can use your story to help others who are maybe considering having pre-marital sex, or have done it and are not sorry. God bless!


#18

I know I have been forgiven, I understand that, and it has played an important part of my 'recovery' if you can call it that :D But things still linger. In a perfect world, in a perfect situation, where Adam didn't eat that apple, I wouldn't feel guilt or be in this situation. But. Here I am. Nothing to do with myself and God to be honest. More myself on my self respect, myself and women, myself and sex, etc.

I have spoken about it to people. I told almost everyone I know (that asked, or if we somehow got into the conversation about it) about my regret etc. Spreading the word! Save it for Marriage ;)


#19

It's hard to go through this life without accumulating some "baggage," unfortunately -- but it does help us look forward to Heaven when all the baggage will finally be completely and permanently gone!:heaven:


#20

As a lifelong bachelor, sex outside of marriage was the only way that I would get even a little sex.

I am weak. I need a little.


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