I don’t know what I feel now. Empty? Bereft? Indifferent? Angry? Betrayed? Guilty? Perhaps all of them.
You see, on Friday I chose to have a tubal occlusion–the Essure procedure, similar to a ligation except not as invasive. My last baby was born 10 weeks ago under very difficult circumstances and complications, and knowing that another baby would very likely be dangerous, I had the Essure procedure done. My husband refused a vasectomy, and I didn’t want to take hormones. I tried the Creighton Model of FertilityCare, but that’s how we got pregnant with our second and last child.
I feel like I let God down now. I don’t feel worthy of even being in Church or even going near the Blessed Sacrament. I talked to my priest about my decision two weeks ago in confession, and though he was very sweet and pronounced absolution, I feel like I totally don’t deserve it, now that I went ahead with the procedure.
I don’t think I can even begin to verbalize what I’m feeling now. Or, rather, what I’m NOT feeling. That scares me.
Please help. . . ?