The Flip Side of "Why Are You Still Single", Why is That Person Married?


#1

The idea of starting this thread popped into my head as a result of things that were discussed in a few other threads. We all ponder why are still single, but the flip side of that is there are people are married, with no discernible reason WHY. :shrug:

I used to be under the impression that one had to achieve some sort of perfection in order to be married (you can thank the “What I am looking for” blurbs of men on the Catholic singles site), and that you had no hope of finding a husband otherwise. But then my family and friends started getting married (like 20 weddings in the past 9 years or so), and I assumed, ok, these women have obviously figured out something that I have not. And these are all faithful Catholics who have been married in the Church. But then, I started seeing them be themselves that I had always known who still have all their faults, they weren’t any sort of saint or angelic being after all. :eek:

But there was one thing they all had in common except for one of them, but I am going to hold off mentioning it just yet. :wink:

I am curious as to whether you think that finding a spouse means you have somehow attained some sort of sainthood? And if not, then what is the difference between married and unmarried people? Because in my experience, it isn’t because married people have perfected any of the following: charity, spirituality, mental health, or selflessness (indeed, I have found married people to be much more selfish than unmarried people, go figure, I know everyone says it’s the opposite, but I have never found this to be true).

Curious to hear what you all think. :smiley:


#2

I think that reaching the ability to marry validly means one has finally accomplished puberty without incurring a severe disorder. Congrats! Party time. :smiley:

Perfection has little to do with being able to marry validly. It’s just that some tribunals make it look like you need to be a veritable saint to marry at all. Those sentences get so match thrashing at the Rota that there’s no telling.

Wanting more than enough for a merely valid marriage is perfectly natural. Wanting a really good marriage too. Wanting a great partner also is natural, expect while wanting someone better than one is is natural in some sense, but it’s not really all that fair or realistic.


#3

Yes, I do hear that one ought to be some sort of saint. Obviously, they're not, though, so then.......what's the magic thing that makes one be able to be married? :getholy:


#4

Why would you think you have to attain something before you get married?

I was fairly clueless when I got married. A spouse’s job is to get you into heaven - if you were already accepted, you wouldn’t need your spouse’s help, would you?

In high school, I was amazed that it was possible to find someone to love. It was just amazing. THEN, if that person loved you? Wow, a lightning strike! A one in a million hit!

It’s still sorta that way, isn’t it? The people who are married have found someone that they want to marry, and wants to marry them. It just happens.

For some people, it happens more than once :confused:. for some, it seems like it never will.

But you don’t have to achieve anything or have a certain amount of holiness or even life skills.


#5

The bolded part is what I am asking about. I don’t get it. Not at all.


#6

What's there to get?

I got married because I met a really nice and very attractive woman. I liked her, she for some reason liked me and found me attractive too. I thought she would be a great mother and would help me get to heaven and I simply found myself willing and wanting to do anything to protect her, care for her and simply love her.

:shrug:

While I hated "Engaged Encounter," our diocese's two day pre-cana program (sorry, it was just boooooring), it did tell me one major truth. Love is a decision. It's not something that "just happens." Attraction happens. A sense of closeness happens. Love does not come out of nowhere. It's a choice and it's a choice that requires a lifetime of work. So basically, I'm married because I chose to love a woman I found attractive, shared my interests and beliefs, and to whom I felt a sense of closeness. I really don't see how there is more to it than that! All the grace and such that helps us in our daily married lives comes from God, not anything we did.


#7

We probably should not surmise why others are married. I think that borders on rude and judgemental. We can’t begin to guess what draws people together.

In order to have a successful marriage, you need to find the right person - not just a person willing to get married that you like well enough.

You have to be emotionally and spititually healthy yourself. You have to be happy with yourself first - not come to a marriage with baggage that hinders the marriage.

No Sainthood needed, though compassion, kindness and love are necessary in the marriage.
We all have our faults. One needs to be able to work on the faults, accept the other spouses faults and help each other along the way kindly.

Incidently, I believe my spouse is perfect for me, while not perfect, he is an absolute perfect match for me.


#8

I've had people ask me this very question in the past, and there have been times when I tried to give very long thought out answers but they never really said much. Now when anyone asks why I'm married to my wife, or why we chose one another, I simply say: "I married her because she is who she is, and I am who I am." We did not do pre cana or the like as we were married in a Lutheran Church, but there is something similar. After spending an hour or so filling in all the blanks the pastor told us that from our answers it appeared we were married already and had been for quite some time. We all laughed.


#9

[quote="jrabs, post:7, topic:182117"]

In order to have a successful marriage, you need to find the right person - not just a person willing to get married that you like well enough.

[/quote]

Perhaps I was a little too flip in my response. Yes, absolutely you are right about this. I had only a few girlfriends before I met my wife, but I never gave serious consideration to going very far in those relationships once the excitement of the first month or two wore off. In my wife's case, my joy in being around her just grew daily. I had no doubt that she was going to be the woman I married...well, provided she said yes to the proposal!


#10

No, no Sainthood involvded. actually, we were much greater sinners at our wedding. We are a work in progress, with pretty good Guardian Angels. :slight_smile:


#11

No sort of sainthood. We get someone to help us get to heaven and have the responsibility of helping someone else get to heaven :thumbsup:


#12

I am married - the only answer I have is that in this case it was to bring each other closer to God.


#13

[quote="SeekingWisdom, post:1, topic:182117"]
I used to be under the impression that one had to achieve some sort of perfection in order to be married (you can thank the "What I am looking for" blurbs of men on the Catholic singles site), and that you had no hope of finding a husband otherwise.

[/quote]

of course that is true, that is why we are all married to perfect people. If you standards are so high you are not willing to marry someone who is not perfect, just remember you have to live with them every day, and life is NOT easy with a perfect person.

the elderly nun in our parish who has helped hundreds of couples with marriage prep gives it as her opinion that husbands and wives are given to each other by God so that each may be the means by which the other is perfected spiritually. Perfected as in tried by fire, refined and pummelled as metal is refined, perfected as souls are in Purgator. You get the picture


#14

This topic brings up some good questions.

For American adults, marriage is the default civil status. Singledom is considered inferior, and even a little odd.

Thus, "Why are you still single?" is akin to examination of a character fault.

Very rarely, if ever, would anyone ask, "WHY on earth are you married?"

Don't get me wrong. Marriage can be an excellent choice. But so can single life.

I think it is appropriate that everyone examine the relative merits of both single and married life before making a decision.

There are multiple life paths to choose from. We ought give careful consideration to the various alternatives.


#15

We got married because we liked each other and our parents thought we were good for each other. Plus, he asked me, and I said, “Yes.” :shrug:

We were friends, to start with. We started dating because neither of us had anyone to go with to parties, so we started going with each other, and it kind of snowballed from there - we started going for coffee, and then breakfast, and then suddenly we were going to marriage classes together, and then somehow I thought it was a good idea to book the church, hire a florist, send out invitations, and get fitted for a bride’s dress - somewhere along the way I lost control, and my mother and my best friend kind of took over - and then once all that was done, there was a ceremony, and then there we were - married. :slight_smile:


#16

People say my wife and I deserve each other.

What do they mean by that?:shrug:


#17

[quote="SeekingWisdom, post:1, topic:182117"]
But there was one thing they all had in common except for one of them, but I am going to hold off mentioning it just yet. ;)

[/quote]

They all found a friend of the opposite sex who is willing to live with them, have kids with them, and do mundane daily tasks for them for the rest of their lives? :shrug:


#18

[quote="jrabs, post:7, topic:182117"]
We probably should not surmise why others are married. I think that borders on rude and judgemental. We can't begin to guess what draws people together.

In order to have a successful marriage, you need to find the right person - not just a person willing to get married that you like well enough.

You have to be emotionally and spititually healthy yourself. You have to be happy with yourself first - not come to a marriage with baggage that hinders the marriage.

No Sainthood needed, though compassion, kindness and love are necessary in the marriage.
We all have our faults. One needs to be able to work on the faults, accept the other spouses faults and help each other along the way kindly.

Incidently, I believe my spouse is perfect for me, while not perfect, he is an absolute perfect match for me.

[/quote]

I cannot even begin to tell you how mistaken you are. It is patently obvious that spiritual and emotional health, lack of baggage, compassion, kindness, and love are in fact NOT what I see in married people. Ok, in just the last year or so, I have experienced all of the following from married faithful Catholics, who, according to your standards, are some sort of saint:

  1. Married girl calls me to tell me all about running into an ex boy friend, talked for about an hour straight. They barely dated, and I never even knew him.
  2. Married girl routinely goes off on people on Facebook, screaming "what part of (insert issue of the week) don't you understand?"
  3. Married girl tells me "I know you can't take vacations, you are poor", "let's not go out to dinner, I know you are poor", when in fact I, as a single, earned far more money than she ever has (with the exception of the past few months), but her husband's income is far more than she ever earned, so anyone not married, in her eyes, is "poor". As everyone knows, talking about money, especially someone else's means is terribly terribly classless.
  4. Married girl, previously in therapy, assumed she was "cured" because she got married and all her therapy issues had to do with dating, now having postpartum psychosis (not full blown).
  5. Married girl who (now this was a joke) said she should have invited all her husband's ex girlfriend's to the wedding, so she could say "nah nah nah" to them as she walked up the aisle.
  6. Married girl (whose parent's gave her something like $10,000 towards the cost of her wedding) who described another girl's wedding as "well, as you know it was low budget and home made".

These people are kind? Compassionate? Spiritually and emotionally mature?
Perhaps I just know too many people who are the exception to the rule, but how could they all be? :eek::eek::eek:


#19

My main, point, I guess, is that there seems to be no difference in married an unmarried people. I wasn't being judgmental and rude. I am sure there are plenty of people who would be happy to tell you why I am NOT married. :D


#20

Why should there be a difference between married and unmarried people when it comes to being good human beings? Sure, you get sacramental grace every day if you were married in the Church, but you can get grace as a single person too. :shrug: Marriage doesn't wave a magic wand and make faults disappear; go ask any spouse who was so sure that "he/she would change once we got married." It doesn't happen. If anything, the faults become more obvious and your need to be patient grows daily.

Quite frankly, I think marriage makes you life more complicated what with putting your spouse and children before yourself. I don't mean that to say that single people are selfish, I'm saying they have independence that married people don't have. They can choose from day to day or week to week how they will best serve their community or fellow man. A married individual has taken up a vocation to serve one particular person and all the persons they create and they are on call 24/7 for that.

That being said, I do love my wife and kids and wouldn't trade them for the world.


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