The Hook-up Culture


#1

uscatholic.org/life/2008/10/sex-lies-and-hook-culture

Wow. I was just researching out of interest and came up with that great article. Have you had any experience in the hook up culture (young or, uh, advanced in years :p?)

I researched it because I was thinking about it today. And it really just struck me, that what is going on is actually unbelievable and shocking whilst at the same time really really sad. I have a lot of girl friends, and they range from really pretty girls to not so attractive (physically) girls. But every single weekend they try trump each other on how many guys they kissed or slept with. And let me just add that kissing someone is nothing, apparently. A kiss is not a contract, as the saying goes. Hence, all the people (guys and girls) have usually kissed around 30+ people and slept with probably 7-8 so far (I'm with 21year old crowds). And thats girls. Nice girls, who you would think well hey she's decent and pure. Wrong. Hooking up is what people live for. And that article kinda spoke to me.

I just never understood it. And I still don't. You know, my ex used to tell me that I think too much about the future and never cease the day. I find that funny, because she and all these people LIVE for friday night where they can get stupidly drunk and take someone home to sleep with. And I think... what is that? Is that how you want to live? Thing is it struck me the most for the girl friends I am closest to. I have one in particular who kind of self-deprecates all the time, and everybody makes jokes about how she has kissed tons of guys and slept with all these ugly blokes, but she laughs with them. But I see it in her eyes that, you know, she doesn't want that. She'll laugh about it, but I am positive deep down she hates it. But she wont stop, because at least she is known as someone who hooks up. And I am often giving such a talking to because I think that going out on a friday and kissing someone is wrong. People laugh. "It's only kissing grow up Grandpa". But little do they know. Kissing is meant to be between people who mean something to each other. Oh, and by the way girl, the dude your kissing isn't thinking "yay I like her this is great" he's thinking "kissing me now, sleeping with me later oh yeah wait till the guys hear".

And I just want to scream to these people. Wake up! Have some respect! For yourself! For your future partner! For your parents! For life! I just want to say to these girls - hey, do you know what some of my friends say about hooking up? Listen close... "Any hole is a goal". Yup. Thats the motto for friday night for dudes. And you let them do it to you.

And for the guys, man, what do you think you are doing! Its funny because they think it makes them a man. Thats not what a man does. Thats not how you would want your wife, your mom, your daughter or your sister to be treated. And yet thats what you do.

Grrr, why can't people just respect themselves and each other :(


#2

I really appreciate your post. I came of age just prior to the rise of the hook-up culture, but was aware of all that was happening with younger siblings and younger friends as they came of age in the following decade. I recently read a great book called “Unhooked: How Young Women Pursue Sex, Delay Love, and Lose at Both”. It was very enlightening and yet incredibly terrifying. I fear for my children, and wonder what their prospects for love and marriage will be as they come of age.


#3

Recent Facebook status of a friend: Looks like I beat you Dan, 4 girls this weekend!
I bet thats exactly what they were looking for, and exactly what he thinks is right… Not.


#4

Hey that book sounds real interesting, do you think as a bloke I’d understand it (relate to it rather).

I am terrifed for myself! Nevermind if I ever have children, God willing. There is just such an attack on sexuality. In fact, the attack is over. Satan won, I am positive about it. Sexuality is now his domain. At least, for secular people.

I like the title of that book. Young people persue sex, delay love and lose both. Good title.

p.s. I realise now I wrote cease the day instead of sieze. D’oh :blush:


#5

OH!

I wanted to rant about something that the article mentions too! About sexual parties.

Here in my university once a semester there is a “Dress To Get Laid” party. And everybody goes in their masses. It physically makes me sick. Girls go in suggestive nurse uniforms, school girl outfits, and at the worst they are just in bras and panties. Guys are in their boxers or naked (yeah, girls and guys are allowed to be naked if they want). And everybody gets drunk and parties. And I remember telling my girlfriend at the time (who went) that going to that party was totally inappropriate. And her response, as most people respond, is that its “just a fun theme” and nothing more. I was like… wow. How far gone are we.

And there are also private kind of parties that happen here, called “Formal Dinners” (I suppose thats meant to be funny). What happens is everybody in a house invites a date for dinner, you all get drunk and play games. Games like eat smarties off each other, lick the chocolate off your girls thighs, and some too sexual to mention. And everybody then goes to their rooms at a set time and is given an hour to have sex with each other. The choice then is to either go out partying or go home.

And everybody has these dinners. Some are less sexual, some more, but its all basically the same. And the same excuses are given, “its just a bit of fun” and “its just a theme”. And again, I think wow. I have been invited to a few, but after turning them down people don’t ask me anymore. And I stay away from parties in general just because of the sexuality and drunkeness. And I have heard so many times how I am such a “waste” because I am a good looking bloke and all that. And here I am thinking actually, its such a waste that you act like you do! I’m not the one wasting away!


#6

Our Lady said most people go to Hell for sins of the Flesh. How then could the "Hook up’ culture come from anyone else but the Devil? The Evil strategist knows our weakness and lures us in with glitter of pleasure for the sake of moments of temporary self-indulgence. Look at the wake of possible destruction to self and the family unit. We are all tempted, but “be not afraid” said the Lord for I am with you! The very name of Jesus is a prayer in moments of temptation and evil thoughts. I cross myself and say “Sweet Jesus protect me”… bad thoughts vanish like fog before the sunlight.


#7

Yes, you could easily understand the book “Unhooked”. It was written in a journalistic style, by a female journalist who befriended many college-age and high school age young women and gained through interviews and friendships the opportunity to learn the ins-and-outs of the hook-up culture. But I think any man, young or old, single or married, could gain from reading about these women’s experiences. It ends up not being so much about being female in the hook-up culture, but more about the dead-end street that dating is for both sexes in today’s world. It is one of the reasons why my husband and I are opposed to the idea of teen dating, period. Dating only seems to be a context for sex nowadays, instead of people meeting and getting to know each other in order to find a potential spouse. Add to that the fact that the brain does not finish developing until the early twenties, when the ability to think critically and examine potential consequences of our actions becomes possible, it seems to me that teen dating leads only to heartache.
As I write this, I know I am a hypocrite though. My high school sweetheart and I ended up eloping at the age of 19, and we were not fooling around. Most people would agree that is a rarity, but it is one that I would hope and pray to happen for our children. :gopray:


#8

But the hookup culture isn’t the main point of the article. The latter 2/3 of the article is about how Catholic schools have dropped the ball in terms of providing honest dialogue about sexual issues, because to allow such programs, in the mind of the school administration and the Catholic Church, is to sanction premarital sex:

College students also feel that they are more or less abandoned to deal with sex on their own. The administration, residential life, and other adults are afraid of scandal. They worry about admissions and about parents finding out what is happening on campus.

It’s hard to find official statistics that capture sexual behavior on campus. It would be like admitting guilt. On Catholic campuses, if the administration, the staff, or campus ministry sponsors a program about sex, they’re admitting that students have sex before marriage, which goes against Catholic teaching.

Isn’t this another indictment against the Catholic Church? Isn’t this more ammunition in favor of the argument that the Catholic Church does not modernize along with the times? Merely teaching that premarital sex is wrong, and don’t be gay, is not enough for today’s youth. There is so much more to cover on how to deal with the broader culture. Like I said in my other “dateless” thread, in today’s culture, if you are not sexually active, you are a loser and there’s something wrong with you.

Protestant churches have honest dialogues about dating and sex. There are several Protestant dating books, several Protestant dating sermons and seminars, and the article admits that there is very little in the Catholic arena…

(The article cites Joshua Harris. But that book was so 2000. Like I said in my other thread, Protestant churches largely do not agree with that book anymore, and the book’s Biblical citations have been challenged by reviewers on Amazon.)

Theology of the Body is relevant for married couples, but what about the youth?

Maybe I did come to the wrong place when I posted my “dateless” single thread :shrug:


#9

The ‘hook up’ culture of today frustrates me and I feel like it makes dating a lot tougher…or harder to find people who actually want to date.

I disagree. You can be pretty well liked, have lots of friends and such and never be hooking up. I’m an example of this. I never went to parties in college, never drank underage, and I am still abstaining until marriage. However, I’ve always been involved in numerous things and know tons of people. I get invited out to all sorts of events/activities/parties and everyone knows that I’m pretty conservative when it comes to dating and my personal behavior. No one thinks less of me for it. In fact, I think it garners me more respect for actually having higher standards. Never the less, I’m known as the ‘responsible one’ throughout all my circles of friends.


#10

Praiz, I see what you’re saying, but its on the verge of derailing :wink:

Jay, you are a lucky person then!

I think it all depends on your situation. My current one for example is in a university town, i.e. caters for a 5000 student population. There are no malls, no movies, no nothing. There are 7 bars and 3 nightclubs though. So it all depends on where you are I guess if you are talking about how much you can do.


#11

[quote=NewsTheMan]Praiz, I see what you’re saying, but its on the verge of derailing
[/quote]

What’s on the verge of derailing?


#12

Possibly. A bigger town/city gives you more options, but it is up to the individual to take advantage of them or create their own opportunities.

I am surprised your college town doesn’t have a mall or movies. You would think those things would be near by since the college students would be a steady stream of revenue for them. In your situation I would be organizing more outdoor type activities like sports, hiking, etc. Or have people over to watch a movie rather than go to the theater (which doesn’t exist). Or play games, etc.


#13

Unless there’s a massive conversion and turn around in the country within the next few years, their prospects for love and marriage won’t be good. Hate to say it, but it’s true.


#14

I remember when I was in high school and college, “hooking up” was a big thing. It was never something I was interested in doing. It was just too degrading for me as a young woman. Sometimes I’d be shocked when a girl, who was seemingly a “nice, wholesome girl”, would come into class and start talking about her wild night, waking up next to some guy she didn’t know and didn’t remember and just laughing it off. I never judged these young women, but I felt really sad for them. All they did was continue to degrade themselves while they thought they were taking control of their self and their bodies. Then a few years down the line, these same women couldn’t understand why they’d always end up with total jerks who just wanted them for sex, and I’d sometimes be the one trying to help them regain their confidence and be some sort of mental support for them.

But this “hook up” phenomenon isn’t so new. My father talked about similar young women back in the late 60s and early 70s. He would think these girls were nice, intelligent, engaging young women and then find out that they’d sleep around with any guy they meet for the first time. It totally turned him off from dating. Then he met my mother who was so different from all the girls at the time. Not only was she smart, passionate, caring, knock-dead, gorgeous and extremely exotic, she was also very “old-fashioned” in terms of sex and religion. She didn’t even believe in kissing until they were engaged. It was a breath of fresh air for a 22-year-old young man stuck in the throes of 1960s/1970s craziness.


#15

I was just about to say “hooking up” isn’t something entirely new. I think people stopped this kind of behavior due to AIDS and STDs epidemics for awhile, but its reared its ugly head again. I have my own theories why, mainly mainstream media that has constantly sells “sex” to young people.

I can remember even when I went to college in the early 90s, people “bragged” a lot about their sexual activities, but little of it was ever true. I would even bet the people caught up in the competition don’t even want to be a part of it, but now that they are, they’re backed into a corner and can’t see a way out of it.


#16

Most of my friends are secular, some enjoy parties. However, this idea of going NAKED or in bra/underwear to a party is not something I have ever heard of. Ever. I am led to doubt that this is common. The people I know generally focus on their work, and while they have fun they don’t go to orgies!

While I don’t find orgies morally objectionable, I would never go to a party that had naked men looking for sex. And the people I know feel similarly, at least as far as I know them.

People certainly do have sex outside of marriage or even committed relationships, but some descriptions here sound like a porn movie and are not common in my experience.


#17

[quote="flyingfish, post:16, topic:198687"]
Most of my friends are secular, some enjoy parties. However, this idea of going NAKED or in bra/underwear to a party is not something I have ever heard of. Ever. I am led to doubt that this is common. The people I know generally focus on their work, and while they have fun they don't go to orgies!

While I don't find orgies morally objectionable, I would never go to a party that had naked men looking for sex. And the people I know feel similarly, at least as far as I know them.

People certainly do have sex outside of marriage or even committed relationships, but some descriptions here sound like a porn movie and are not common in my experience.

[/quote]

Well, then let us please swap geographical positions! Universities are a breeding ground for this kinda thing. If it sounds amazing to you, the things I mentioned, then even as a non-religious person with liberal sexual ideas yuo can appreciate how it isn't right? IT is amazing, what is happening. And its shocking because its the norm! So while you sit there going "well, ive never heard of this!" I'm sitting here trying to find a nice Christian girl amongst a university population that has almost-orgies and "Dress to get Laid" Parties. At this point, I can't even ask for a Catholic girl because I know everybody who is Catholic here, all 40 of us - woohoo.

Sarabande your parents' story is great :D I hope that happens for me. Its unbelievably stressful living amongst so much sexual sin. And don't get me wrong, I don't suffer temptation from it. But sometimes I think "shucks maybe I'm just being a prude, let me hit that party" and I immediately regret it. So now, I don't go out to any parties anymore. I just find them morally objectionable. Not only because everybody here by 8pm is so drunk they can't stand, but because everyone is hooking up, trying to hook up, getting naked, degrading themselves. And I don't want a part of that. Not in a judgemental way, just as a matter of choice. But I also know its not like this everywhere. Hey, parties back home are much nicer, people get drunk in a nice way and hooking up is less focussed on. And I know what you mean, I feel sad for people. I feel sad for the group of girls who call themselves "The Sluts". Yeah, they have their tight T-shirts, mini skirts all labelled with this name and they go out and just behave as their name suggests. :(

And its weird, because to my close girl friends I have long chats to them about my sexual choices. Particularly sex before marriage. None are even remotely religious so I just stick to things that will possibly make sense to them, ya know. I tell them that I want to respect myself, and the girl who I date. I wanna respect my future wife because I know I will love her so much that she's worth it. Dating and leaving out the sex is so much more real. Etc etc. And the over-whelming response is that these girls are captivated by what I'm saying. And they come out after our informal chats and say thats amazing etc. But then they go and do the same things as always. Hook up, sleep around. And it really is bizarre. I just don't understand it at all.


#18

This reminds me why I am so glad to have deactivated my facebook account.


#19

Hmm, well at my university and specifically in my program people spent most of their time studying because the work load was very intense. I lived with some people for a time who enjoyed going to clubs, but the extent of their partying was moderate drinking and dancing.

Maybe you need to meet some people who are focused on their education rather than partying?

The most outrageous type of party at my school that I had heard of was a party that had people wear bathing suits because they had a water slide. (And that was the only time I heard of a party like that.) Of course I’m Canadian, and my school in particular had no fraternity/sorority culture to speak of. Maybe I just missed it in my focus on studying.


#20

Well, my university is in the top 3 in the country. It’s one of the oldest institutions, and one of the best (especially for my degree). But the motto here is “Work hard play harder”. All my friends work hard, party hard. And that goes for most people. Obviously, some first year students play harder and drop out but they get what they deserve :wink: I’m not sure about Canada, but here 99% of people aren’t split between academics and partying. Both go hand in hand. Which, in some sense,is where my problem lies. But this is just a bit different than the topic of my thread - more about hook up culture in general rather than the individual choices of my peers.


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