The more I pray about it, the more certain I am that I want to marry my ex-girlfriend


#1

I will try to make the background info short. I am a 20-year old Junior in College. In September of 2008, I began dating a girl my age. As our relationship grew, we both thought that we would get married someday and raise a family. We were both very excited.

In October 2009, she broke up with me. I was devastated. I tried getting her to come back, but that didn’t work. Then, I tried my best to get over her and to pray for God’s guidance in helping me discern what my life’s vocation is. I tried to “get over” my ex-girlfriend. Now, the longer we are apart, the more I realize how much I loved her (and still do). The more I pray to God, the more I am certain that this young woman is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with.

Honestly, I wish it would be easy for me and that I could just move on; but I can’t. I truly do think this is the woman I am supposed to marry. What should I do here? Is my concept of God’s will flawed? I truly do love this girl and and more certain every day that I want to marry her. I am just looking for some guidance.


#2

Hamburglar, are you still in some form of contact with your ex-gf? What's her attitude now?


#3

Did she give you a reason for why she wanted to break up? Relationships are a 2-way street, so SHE has to have an opinion in this too…

Why did she break up?


#4

My rule is, do nothing until after six months. Any committed relationship that ends needs six months of reflection and "letting go". So, that's six months to analyze your feelings, what may have went wrong, and I think very importantly, honoring the sincerity with which you approached the relationship by not seeking out dates with new people during that time. If she contacts you, that's one thing. But I wholeheartedly suggest revisiting this issue after Easter, and see if you miss her as much then as you do now.


#5

it is needed that you acknowledge that what YOU want, may not be what God wants.

so her best interests, her good health and faith… may not lead her to being married to you.
all we can do , really is resign ourselves to Gods will in this.

in the meantime, work on being the best man you can be, work on your prayer life, work on your prayer life. and ask God to direct you.
honestly,
with a willingness to be led, even if its not 'what you want"
“not MY will, but YOURS” being the point.

do not let your heart , which is deceitful, according the the Bible lead you into lust, or covetousness… but honestly, if you love her, pray for what is best for her.


#6

Pray: "Jesus, I don't know what you're plan is here, but I submit to Your will, whatever that might be."

He will carry you, my friend. Keep praying.
PAX CHRISTI


#7

When she first broke up with me, I did the whole begging to take me back thing. She said she wanted to be my friend, so I tried initiating that, but she knew that I wanted to be more than friends. It didn't help that her mother disliked me from the beginning.

I then searched for advice, and decided that it was best to let things cool down and hope she would contact me. It doesn't look like that is happening. To make matters worse, we share our best friends in common, so I have to constantly know that my best friends are having fun with her while I am not.

Before I started dating her, I was sure that I was going to be a priest. Dating each other came as a shock to lots of people, including me. Gradually, I discovered that I had wanted to be a priest, but that was not what God wanted. I realized that I was called to be married.

At one point I had convinced myself that I was better without her. But I still prayed every day asking for God's guidance. I found myself drawn to family, to children, etc. I felt that God was telling me that I am in fact called to marriage. So I decided that fine, maybe I am called to marriage, but not with this girl. But no matter what I tried, I still felt myself drawn to my ex-girlfriend. I do believe now that it is God wants, not just me. Yes, I love her and would love to raise a lovely family together, but slowly it seems that God is drawing me to her for reasons other than my selfish desires.

I'm struggling so much because I do think God wants me to marry her, but it seems so impossible. I do want to do what God wants of me, and I think that is marriage with this woman. I know I have to be careful not to let what I think is best for me get in the way of what God knows is best for me, but I do think that marriage with this girl is what He wants.


#8

Your post is very focused on "I" "I want".


#9

Nothing is impossible with God. Step out of His way and let Him work in your life.

I know you think you love her, and it’s hard. It sounds like she was your first love and you fell hard.

Keep coming back here when you fell you can’t stand it any more.


#10

How do you know God wants this for you?

My first impression is that, you are only 20 years old, so you don’t need to think about this too too much right now.

Secondly, the ex broke up with you and it has been awhile now since you guys have been an item. As Em in Fl said, relationships are a two way street. If she doesn’t want one, then you should honestly move on and pray about finding someone else.


#11

You have to remember, he was going to be a priest, and then the girl came along and changed his whole life. His heart is aching. I remember feeling that way when a guy I thought was perfect broke up with me. I couldn’t understand it. (I’m perfect) :slight_smile:

Unfortunately I got a “hot” guy into marrying me after nagging him for 2 years. He turned horribly abusive, and I divorced him after 3 years. I got an annulment and went and did the same thing a second time!:doh2:

I didn’t have abusive parents. It’s very important to get out of God’s way and let Him work in your life. It took me 30 years to figure that out. Maybe I can save somebody a lot of pain and anguish.

I will say, I don’t believe I’m a failure. I’ve got two great kids. They were worth every tear and heartache. :heart:


#12

This seems like a lot of self-talk, which is different than authentic discernment.

"Before I started dating her, I was sure that I was going to be a priest. Dating each other came as a shock to lots of people, including me. Gradually, I discovered that I had wanted to be a priest, but that was not what God wanted. I realized that I was called to be married."
"At one point I had convinced myself that I was better without her. But I still prayed every day asking for God's guidance. I found myself drawn to family, to children, etc. I felt that God was telling me that I am in fact called to marriage. So I decided that fine, maybe I am called to marriage, but not with this girl. But no matter what I tried, I still felt myself drawn to my ex-girlfriend. I do believe now that it is God wants, not just me."

--Sounds like you talk yourself into big decisions over periods of a few months. I've done it too in the past. My advice to you, take it or leave it, is to give your poor heart and mind a much-needed break from this situation. Keep yourself very busy with other things and do nothing about this young woman. She has her own free will and is making her own choices for her own life.

Good luck.


#13

Wow, this hits close to home. I have a very very similar situation to yours.

My ex broke up with me at the end of November after dating her since last October. I was certain that this woman was the one. Heck, I still hope she is. When she broke up with me, one of her reasons hit me like a sledge hammer to the stomach.

"I need somebody more grounded in their faith"

It came as a shock because I thought I was grounded! But after a month of some intense self examination, I realized what God had been trying to tell me all my life, but I just failed to recognize. I wasn't really strong in my faith, I was just going through 'The Motions' (Thanks Matthew West ;) )

So in my pain and soul searching post break up, I made the commitment to myself to pull to God as much as I could. I mean... I REALLY leaned on Him for support and guidance. And ya know what He did? He lead me to Catholicism. And I've been in the RCIA program for about a month now, and I can't tell you how happy I am spiritually. Plan to be confirmed this Easter :thumbsup:

I look at my relationship like this. God put my ex into my life for a reason. He knew she'd make me happy, and experience love for the first time. He knew that I wanted to date and search for a life partner, and so here came my ex. A seemingly perfect match. Praise God! But I had some slip ups. I went wrong in some areas. I made mistakes. And in my efforts to be in a 'God centered relationship', I realized that I had no idea what that truly meant. And so while God knows that that was my hearts desire, (a relationship between two people for Him) He also knew that I had to make those mistakes and blunders to learn how. He knew I had to have my heart broken to see where I went wrong, and what I needed to do to go forward with my goal(s) in a relationship. I don't know if that means it'll be with her, or with somebody else. If God put a woman like my ex in my life at one point, I'm sure He will again. I've put my trust into Him to discern whether or not I'm to be with my ex again and eventually marry or if it's someone else.

(Now, my ex is Catholic, and I get a looooott of flak from friends and family about how my decision to convert was intended for her. But I look at the type of relationship I want with God, and the type that God wants for me. Especially in marriage.)

In any case, I'm going through exactly what you're going through now. (I'm young too-23) Heck, I was even debating before I started dating her whether or not I should've gone to seminary school (Since I was Protestant, I put some serious thought into becoming a Pastor).

But you gotta trust me on this one man. You've got to trust me.... You cannot force her to change her mind. (The 'Serenity Prayer' is one of the prayers you should be hangin' on to for dear life! :) ) Take the time to really dig deep in your soul, and find out what it is that you need to do. Not for her. Not for yourself. But for God. He knows where you'll be most happy and know the sort of love that knows no bounds. But you really gotta listen.

Your relationship ended for a reason. Find out what it was, and determine if it's something you need/can change. Only you can make you happy. Her alone did not make you happy, because it was YOU that summoned up those feelings of happiness and love. Just like it's you that's bringing up the feelings of pain and sorrow. But you have to embrace it man. You really do, because it's part of what makes you human! You're capable of the greatest loves, and the deepest sorrows and everything in-between.

Just know that there are others going through your same pain, but won't you join us in our joys? I'm having trouble doing this too, but just let her go. Don't let her decide your happiness for you. Pull to God like you've never done before, and really trust in Him. Become a better man for God because of this.


#14

I would say, let it go. She doesn't want this, respect her will.

Even the greatest saints had instances in which they couldn't realize their most cherished dreams. I will give you examples from another area than dating and marriage, but you will see the point I'm trying to make.

St. Francis of Assisi wanted to convert the Sultan of the Muslim army, and the Sultan came to love and respect St Francis after meeting him. Nevertheless, the Sultan couldn't find the courage in his heart to become a Christian and a traitor in the eyes of his Muslim people. With great sadness, St. Francis accepted the Sultan's decision and returned from the frontlines of the Crusade to his homeland of Italy.

Also, St. Francis Xavier, the patron saint of foreign missions, had a dream of evangelizing China, which he never accomplished. After baptizing many people and successfully spreading Christianity to places such as India and Japan, he became sick and died at the shores of China, before he could reach the mainland. See:

catholic.org/saints/saint.php?saint_id=423

Apparently, God had a different plan and for reasons known only to him, he did not allow St. Francis Xavier to bring Christ's message to China.

Our late Pope John Paul II had a burning desire to reach out to the separated Eastern Orthodox Churches and especially to Russia and its people. The suffering Pope of Fatima, who was shot several times at point blank range by the asassin Ali Agca, hired by the godless communist Soviet power (through the Bulgarian secret service), almost died on May 13, 1981, an anniversary day of the first Fatima apparition of Our Lady (apparition of May 13, 1917). Pope JP II credited his miraculous survival to the protection of Our Lady of Fatima. He went on to consecrate the whole world, and especially Russia, to Mary's Immaculate Heart in 1984, and communism fell and the Soviet Union was dissolved in 1991, after the prior liberation of Eastern Europe, including the Pope's homeland of Poland, in 1989. A tremendously successful Pope, instrumental in releasing the Russian people from the yoke of communism, greatly respected by world leaders such as Ronald Reagan and Mikhail Gorbachev, yet he never realized his dream of visiting Russia, the Russian people, and the Russian Patriarch. Although this Pope had nothing but love and devotion to Russia and its people, its atheistic leaders tried to kill him, and even the Russian Eastern Orthodox Church hated him without a cause, so much so that the Russian Patriarch refused to ever meet Pope John Paul II during his lifetime, either in Moscow or at the Vatican.

These are all cases in which human free will (that of the Sultan, of the Russian Eastern Orthodox Patriarch), or God's will (the sickness and death of St. Francis Xavier, at the shores of China) prevented otherwise well-meaning and good, holy people from realizing their dreams.

So, let go of anxieties, and trust God with your life. This girl, for whatever reasons, chose a different path than the companionship she shared with you for a time. But this is not the end of the world for you. Trust God, he will take care of her, and he will also take care of you.


#15

Ryzeke, an inspiring story and words of wisdom beyond your age. Do you have the Serenity Prayer handy for us? That’s a prayer by St. Francis of Assisi, right?


#16

[quote="Joseph_L_Varga, post:15, topic:186453"]
Ryzeke, an inspiring story and words of wisdom beyond your age. Do you have the Serenity Prayer handy for us? That's a prayer by St. Francis of Assisi, right?

[/quote]

Thank you Joeseph, but I try to remain humble about my faith. I have a tendency to 'say the right things' but not really know what I'm saying. It's one of the many things I'm trying to learn to overcome.

As far as the Serenity Prayer, I actually have a Zippo lighter from my uncle who passed away a couple years ago. It's the only thing I have left of him, and I carry it everywhere I go.

"God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change; Courage to change the things I can; and Wisdom to know the difference..."

I don't recall immediately if it's a prayer from St. Francis of Assisi. I'm not really that informed yet of the Saints.

All I know is this. Here I am at 23. A young age by any standards, and I'm just getting out of a long term relationship. One from which I tried to love the woman unconditionally. It's rough on my emotions and all my thoughts, but ya know what? There is no greater joy for me than to give all my love to someone. To anyone. To everyone. What can I learn from my mistakes so that I can give even more?

I've learned that the love I give shouldn't come from me. Shouldn't be from inside of me, ya know? Love doesn't come from the same place hate, disdain, contempt, delight, tenderness, integrity, or even indifference. Love comes from God, and God alone. But it's through us that He can show us His love. A beautiful sunset must be witnessed for its beauty to be known.

Hamburglar, I know you feel that you're called to marry this woman. But does this woman feel called to marry you? ] I think it's hard to swallow. (It's hard for ME to swallow because my ex stated several times she wanted to marry me!) But we gotta be stronger than that man. God is as much a part of your ex's life as He is of yours and mine. If He wants you two to be together, then He'll give you both the courage to change into something better. For Him. Pray for that courage dude. I'm pretty sure God would be thrilled to help you change into something better for Him. Because if you're truly called to a married life with this woman, wouldn't God would want you two to be stronger together for Him, than you would be individually?

And I'd be careful in determining God's will in marrying this woman. It's like you're trying to force His will into your life. And in doing that, you'd be forcing His will into your ex's life as well. That's like forcing love, and true love shouldn't be forced! It just 'flows', ya know? Just accept the break up, and the possibility that you aren't called into a married life with this woman. If you're to be together, make sure you grow in your love first. In yourself, others, and in God. I know you can do it!

Right after I was dumped my ex texted me "I think I'll always love you." I absolutely believe her on that too. I've never gone wrong with trusting her. And as much as I didn't want to be dumped, I see now a little more clearly that I had so so SO much more to learn about God in separation, than I ever would've learned from remaining in the relationship.

Let God work His mysteries in you dude. You'll pull out ahead from this, I promise. I'll be prayin' for ya!


#17

Ryzeke, thanks for posting the Serenity Prayer. It’s a beautiful prayer, and it really encapsulates what we need to ask from God in our daily lives. Not only with love and relationships, but in cases of various afflictions which could include illness, loss, and so forth.

Here’s what Wikipedia says about it:

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Serenity_Prayer


#18

One of the biggest and hardest things to accept is that God never ever ever violates the free will of His children.

If your ex isn’t interested in getting back with you, God will not force her. Ever.
Regardless of what YOU may want, or even what He may want.
He will never force anyone to do anything. Ever.


#19

Hamburglar,

I think it is awfully hard to “know” that she is the one God wants for you. It’s so easy to think that because we so much want something, it must be God’s will. The fact that she is not interested actually speaks against that possibility for you. Keep in mind that the longer you are apart and the longer your heart aches for her, the less your memory of her will fit reality - not that she is not wonderful, but your image of her will necessarily be in your mind, not in a real relationship with her. You may find that after a long enough time, you have nothing left but an idealized image of a person you think you love.

My advice is to offer it up to God. Every time this girl comes to mind, quickly offer your life to God - not as a priest or as a husband, but as whatever God wants you to be - “whatever you want, God!” You need to stop thinking of her, and eventually, you will find yourself thinking of her less often. I remember a song my dd used to listen to, something like thank God for unanswered prayers, about how the singer never would have married his wife if God had answered his prayer to keep another young woman in his life. Some day, when you move on to the life God really has in mind for you, I bet you will be saying the same thing!

God bless.


#20

Hamburglar,

Be careful when you think you know what God wants for you. Most times, God surprises us and spins us round.

God’s plans are intensely woven at times. He may bring us to meet a special person (this young lady for example) only to have us gain knowledge or gain strength - or for some future reason. Who’s to say for sure?

Perhaps this young lady was only meant to be in your life to make you realize what your vocation really may be? Nothing more. Unfortunately, we read deeper meaning into some relationships because we want so badly.

Move on. Perhaps she will revisit your relationship in her time, and then maybe not. Accept and move on.

God has some really great plans in store for those who do cooperate with His will.


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