The more I think about it, the more I want my ex-boyfriend back


#1

I’m in almost the same situation as hamburgler’s “The more I pray about it, the more certain I am that I want to marry my ex-girlfriend” except in this case, I think my ex-boyfriend would want me back too. We broke up a few weeks ago because he had hurt me emotionally, but he’s going to regular appointments with a counselor (the one sign that a formerly emotionally abusive relationship could work out again). I really miss talking to him, and just sharing the little things of my day with him. It hurts me to know that he’s out there, feeling the same things, but that I shouldn’t talk to him about it.

I don’t want to rush back into things because of the prior emotional issues, but if he’s past those issues, as he claims to be, I really really want him back.

What should I do?


#2

Some more background information: We had dated for a year and a half, he’s 20 and I’m 18.


#3

He was abusive?


#4

*I don’t think enough time has passed, just my personal opinion. Emotional/verbal/physical abusers need a lot of counseling…I caution you to tread lightly. It’s natural to miss someone after a breakup…it’s natural to want to get back together, because your life had a lot of him in it. But, be very careful…abusers, whether it’s verbal or physical, really need more than a few weeks to really exhibit change. They ‘think’ they are better, then the cycle of abuse begins again…so just be careful. Can’t tell you what to do, but just offering my stance. :o

God bless–I’ll pray for you. *


#5

I agree…he is going to need a lot of time to heal…and so are you dear. As WG said, it is very natural to miss being with someone. You deserve someone that will treat you with the utmost respect and dignity! You are young and there is probably some young man out there who treat you as thus…:slight_smile:


#6

I think he would have a better chance at a healthy relationship with a new person.

It's very difficult to change unhealthy dynamics when you've been in it a while. I also think that as you get older, you will notice that it takes two to have an unhealthy relationship. For every dominating man, there's a passive woman.

So, I hope you will take time to think about changes you should make, too. :)


#7

Another I want , I want thread. Let the man get healthy before you try to get back into relationship that has hazardous traps and situations for him. You have a history. It would be really easy for him to succumb to old habits etc. Have you had counseling? What do you know about avoiding the pitfalls ? How will you be prevented from co-dependent behavior?


#8

This is very true. I hope that you will consider going to individual counseling as well. You are going to need to know how to have appropriate boundaries and not accept the unacceptable.

As for getting back together with your ex, I would strongly advise against it for a couple of reasons. The unhealthy pattern of behavior between the two of you is probably pretty engrained by this point. If you got back together, the easiest thing in the world would be for you both to slip back into that familiar pattern. Also, he would benefit the most by having to give up this relationship. People really do learn lessons better as a result of consequences. If he doesn’t have a consequence, it is too easy to go back to the old status quo which is not acceptable.

What you are feeling right now is more of a withdrawl symptom more than anything. It’s pretty hard to understand, but in the aftermath of a break up from a bad relationship, you really do feel incredibly lonely and longing for what you had always “hoped” you had with that person but in reality didn’t have. It’s hard to give up that hope, really hard, but you need to do that.

I strongly suspect that if you don’t give into your inclination, that if you stand tough, like you really need to, you are going to see a side of your now ex that will let you know loud and clear that you made the right decision in breaking up. All of the tears and declarations that they have seen the light and are a changed man will start going away soon, and if you don’t rush back into a relationship, you will be able to see him for the way that he truly is.


#9

Ugh… I hope not. It was me in my recent break up who was emotionally abusive. But I’ve been doing a lot of self reflecting and counseling myself to become a better person for myself. Some people do change for the better…

EDIT: Better person for myself so that I can be better for others. I realized how insensitive and insecure I really am; that I don’t have any deep intimate relationships with people.


#10

[quote="Ryzeke, post:9, topic:188103"]
Ugh.... I hope not. It was me in my recent break up who was emotionally abusive. But I've been doing a lot of self reflecting and counseling myself to become a better person for myself. Some people do change for the better....

[/quote]

I hope not too. The real problem is that for the few times that he hurt my feelings, there was 99% of the time where I was the happiest girl in the world. If it wasn't for these few times, I would never have had ANY reason to break up with him.


#11

This is a good time for you two to take a break and see other people for a while. He should stay in counseling and you should give yourself the chance to decide what you really want to do with your life.


#12

Is your relationship mostly a long distance one?


#13

Completely long-distance.


#14

Ya. I think my ex felt the same way when she dumped me. And I feel awful for it, but I know that if I’m to be in a healthy relationship again, it’s not so much finding someone who can tolerate it, as me correcting the problem myself.

I’m working on (and finding it very very rewarding) my way of communicating with people. There were some major major communication issues when I reflect back on my relationship. If ever I were to get back with my ex; I’d have to communicate differently to her than what I had in the past.


#15

The more I think about it, the more I think you SHOULDN'T go back to him.

You'll find a guy who you can do the same things with. Perhaps one that isn't emotionally abusive.

Sometimes people don't change. If he is emotionally abusive, he needs the counseling, and good luck to him. But that is not your problem. It becomes your problem, and a very big one at that-if you two get married.

You deserve much better.


#16

I think I might be taking things out of proportion when you say he was emotionally abusive. I didn’t think (at the time) that I was abusive at all w/ my ex. I just think that I wasn’t emotionally available to her, and I was a terrible listener. I think those things could be thought of as being emotionally abusive?


#17

I know he didn’t think of it as abuse, but the National Dating Abuse Hotline did :-/ While we were fighting, he would accuse me of leading him on, of not loving him as much as he loved me. It would break both of us down to tears. I got fed up with it when he called me 50 times in one night because I wasn’t returning his calls, supposedly because he wanted to make sure I was okay.


#18

[quote="verdantmemories, post:17, topic:188103"]
I know he didn't think of it as abuse, but the National Dating Abuse Hotline did :-/ While we were fighting, he would accuse me of leading him on, of not loving him as much as he loved me. It would break both of us down to tears. I got fed up with it when he called me 50 times in one night because I wasn't returning his calls, supposedly because he wanted to make sure I was okay.

[/quote]

It sounds like abuse to me. Creepy stalker like behavior as well. 50 times, huh?


#19

[quote="verdantmemories, post:13, topic:188103"]
Completely long-distance.

[/quote]

Unfortunately, that means that it is that much easier for him to hide some serious issues and fabricate quite a lot. If you have only spent a little bit of time together in person, and he has hurt you to the point that you are able to identify it as being emotionally abusive, it seems likely that that 1% is just the tip of a much larger iceberg than you are ever going to want to experience.

A lot of times there can be a lot of false intimacy and more fantasy than reality in a long distance relationship. You are 18. You need some real life experiences to help you gain a better understanding of what a healthy relationship should look like.

I know it is tough to break something off, but it really does sound like the right thing to do.


#20

:eek: That is not alright!!! And if this is long distance, it could be much worse if you came closer together!! This is not a man who loves you. He and you need healing and time…


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