The More I Try The More It Seems Worse


#1

I need advice please. I have been married for almost two years and already my husband and I have been threatening each other with divorce almost on a daily basis. My husband is currently in RCIA and loves the Church. True I made mistakes before we got married but we have put those behind us and reconcilled our differences. Last night he got into a yelling match with a neighbor because the neighbor thought he was nitpicking him because of a motorcycle he bought. I calmly tried to explain to my husband that sometimes it isn't what is said as much as the tone and way something is said. (My husband unfortunately has two volumes: loud and louder and two tones: sarcastic and PO'd). It took me awhile to get used to his mannerisms when it comes to social graces. He is the best way to say, a brick wall of emotion. He doesn't get tender or intimate with me at all unless I beg him for it. He makes fun of my weight constantly because he finds it funny to pick on me and see my reactions. He constantly gets PO'd at the smallest little things. (He almost killed our cat because she wouldn't stop rubbing up against his leg) He has gone off on me several times physically and I have hit him back to defend myself (and sometimes out of anger). He also acts like he is 7 all the time (constantly cracking potty humor jokes and whatnot) even in front of other people (including the priest) I am so tired of apologizing for his behavior to others. I feel like I didn't get married, but instead became a fulltime babysitter. I know that his mother and two sisters have severe mental health issues (bipolar/schizophrenia) and he served in Iraq for 14 months with the Marine Corps. I don't know if this is related to those things or what. Even if his behavior is due to mental issues he would never get help because of his pride. II have spoken to the priest and I was told to just pray, communicate, compromise. Any advice would greatly be appreciated on what I should do.


#2

:confused:How was he before you got married?


#3

[quote="gatewood1988, post:1, topic:235990"]
He makes fun of my weight constantly because he finds it funny to pick on me and see my reactions. He constantly gets PO'd at the smallest little things. (He almost killed our cat because she wouldn't stop rubbing up against his leg) He has gone off on me several times physically and I have hit him back to defend myself (and sometimes out of anger).

[/quote]

If this is accurate, you are in a domestic violence situation and need to get out of it. A Google search turned up two domestic violence shelters in Tulsa: Domestic Violence Intervention Services, Inc. and DaySpring Villa. Both of their websites say they offer counseling and emergency and long-term shelter. There very probably more shelters in your area. Your diocese or parish very probably can point you to them.

And if he's abusing your cat, you have an ethical responsibility to get that animal out of your home.


#4

[quote="karow, post:3, topic:235990"]
If this is accurate, you are in a domestic violence situation and need to get out of it. A Google search turned up two domestic violence shelters in Tulsa: Domestic Violence Intervention Services, Inc. and DaySpring Villa. Both of their websites say they offer counseling and emergency and long-term shelter. There very probably more shelters in your area. Your diocese or parish very probably can point you to them.

And if he's abusing your cat, you have an ethical responsibility to get that animal out of your home.

[/quote]

This.


#5

[quote="gatewood1988, post:1, topic:235990"]
I need advice please. I have been married for almost two years and already my husband and I have been threatening each other with divorce almost on a daily basis.** My husband is currently in RCIA and loves the Church**. True I made mistakes before we got married but we have put those behind us and reconcilled our differences. Last night he got into a yelling match with a neighbor because the neighbor thought he was nitpicking him because of a motorcycle he bought. I calmly tried to explain to my husband that sometimes it isn't what is said as much as the tone and way something is said. (My husband unfortunately has two volumes: loud and louder and two tones: sarcastic and PO'd). It took me awhile to get used to his mannerisms when it comes to social graces. He is the best way to say, a brick wall of emotion. He doesn't get tender or intimate with me at all unless I beg him for it. He makes fun of my weight constantly because he finds it funny to pick on me and see my reactions. He constantly gets PO'd at the smallest little things. (He almost killed our cat because she wouldn't stop rubbing up against his leg) He has gone off on me several times physically and I have hit him back to defend myself (and sometimes out of anger). He also acts like he is 7 all the time (constantly cracking potty humor jokes and whatnot) even in front of other people (including the priest) I am so tired of apologizing for his behavior to others. I feel like I didn't get married, but instead became a fulltime babysitter. I know that his mother and two sisters have severe mental health issues (bipolar/schizophrenia) and he served in Iraq for 14 months with the Marine Corps. I don't know if this is related to those things or what. Even if his behavior is due to mental issues he would never get help because of his pride. II have spoken to the priest and I was told to just pray, communicate, compromise. Any advice would greatly be appreciated on what I should do.

[/quote]

He loves the Church but abuses animals????:eek: He loves the Church but is verbally abusive to his wife???:eek:

I agree with the other posters. You need to get your cat out of his reach. And if you have to protect an innocent little animal from your husband, don't you think YOU deserve that kind of protection as well? People who abuse animals usually also abuse humans. This is a very well-known connection and is indisputable.

Please take care of yourself and your cat. Please do not continue this unsafe situation and then find that you are pregnant. Children do not deserve this sort of horror.


#6

This man is, unfortunately, from what you have described, a classic abuser. I (once again!) agree with karow on this- you need to head for therapy ASAP. If he will not go, you go. His behavior is unacceptable and one of your arguments could escalate further into serious physical abuse. You need to protect yourself. And if you think you are walking on eggshells now, it will only get worse as the marriage progresses on. Do yourself a favor and seek professional help. God bless you.


#7

[quote="gatewood1988, post:1, topic:235990"]
I need advice please. I have been married for almost two years and already my husband and I have been threatening each other with divorce almost on a daily basis. My husband is currently in RCIA and loves the Church. True I made mistakes before we got married but we have put those behind us and reconcilled our differences. Last night he got into a yelling match with a neighbor because the neighbor thought he was nitpicking him because of a motorcycle he bought. I calmly tried to explain to my husband that sometimes it isn't what is said as much as the tone and way something is said. (My husband unfortunately has two volumes: loud and louder and two tones: sarcastic and PO'd). It took me awhile to get used to his mannerisms when it comes to social graces. He is the best way to say, a brick wall of emotion. He doesn't get tender or intimate with me at all unless I beg him for it. He makes fun of my weight constantly because he finds it funny to pick on me and see my reactions. He constantly gets PO'd at the smallest little things. (He almost killed our cat because she wouldn't stop rubbing up against his leg) He has gone off on me several times physically and I have hit him back to defend myself (and sometimes out of anger). He also acts like he is 7 all the time (constantly cracking potty humor jokes and whatnot) even in front of other people (including the priest) I am so tired of apologizing for his behavior to others. I feel like I didn't get married, but instead became a fulltime babysitter. I know that his mother and two sisters have severe mental health issues (bipolar/schizophrenia) and he served in Iraq for 14 months with the Marine Corps. I don't know if this is related to those things or what. Even if his behavior is due to mental issues he would never get help because of his pride. II have spoken to the priest and I was told to just pray, communicate, compromise. Any advice would greatly be appreciated on what I should do.

[/quote]

I am also interested in knowing how his behavior was before you married.

First Advice....Love your husband!!
Second.... Do what is best for both of you.
Third....take the appropriate steps to communicate clearly that his behavior is unacceptable.

Now - in implementing the above advice, it may require that you remove yourself from the situation. Since he has already become violent with you, you can be sure that he will continue. His anger issues will not just simply go away on their own.

Moving out (should it come to that) does not necessarily mean divorce, nor does it mean you do not love him. It means that you are communicating clearly and in terms he has to acknowledge, that you will not be subjected to his rants, and that you will not bring children into such a situation.

That said, the fact that you get into shouting matches demonstrates that you too have issues that need worked through. So, as others have said, get to counciling.

Peace
James


#8

He was very quiet before when I first met him, he did get frustrated easily however and would raise his voice and call me names from time to time (jokingly). We lived together for 2 years before we got married (during the time I fell away from the Church) He never got angry until after his mom moved out here unexpectedly and we had to take care of her and his younger sister because they didn't know how to bathe, cook, etc. ( he sent them back out to California when it was affecting us at the time to her brother's place, she ran away and last I heard she is on the street with that little girl digging in trash cans) He only got angry at my cat once and has gotten violent with me on a few occasions but he is more or less emotionally abusive (even when he doesn't understand he is doing it) he thinks he is being funny. I ask him why he treats me that way and he said his dad treated his mother like that and she thought it was funny. I really don't want to leave even if it is temporary. He has gotten alot better since he came to the church though, the physical stuff has stopped and he has toned down a bit. I am just stressed out on how to help him with his temper. I am determined to make this marriage work and I signed us up for a marriage encounter weekend coming up. He is for healing our marriage too, I think he has just never been taught how to treat a woman. Like I said before his family has issues. His dad is a convicted child sex offender and is in prison and growing up they moved from place to place and lived out of their car or out of shelters. I just feel like I am losing him slowly.


#9

[quote="gatewood1988, post:8, topic:235990"]
I ask him why he treats me that way and he said his dad treated his mother like that and she thought it was funny. I really don't want to leave even if it is temporary. He has gotten alot better since he came to the church though, the physical stuff has stopped and he has toned down a bit. I am just stressed out on how to help him with his temper. I am determined to make this marriage work and I signed us up for a marriage encounter weekend coming up. He is for healing our marriage too, I think he has just never been taught how to treat a woman. Like I said before his family has issues. His dad is a convicted child sex offender and is in prison and growing up they moved from place to place and lived out of their car or out of shelters. I just feel like I am losing him slowly.

[/quote]

Your husband was raised in an physically, emotionally and perhaps sexually abusive environment. I'm not questioning your love for this man, but unless you are a trained psychotherapist with an extensive background in treating survivors of this kind of abuse, there is nothing you can do to ameliorate the damage this has done to his psyche except be his emotional and physical punching bag.

Of course you love him; I doubt you would have married him otherwise. And no one wants to leave their home, especially when they didn't do anything deserve that. But unless and until he gets targeted help to assist him in dealing with his rage, anxiety, whatever, it's never going to go away.

You also need assistance, both to effectively help your husband, but also to make sure you don't continue this domestic violence with him.

Look, without going into too much detail, I've seen dozens and dozens of women and children in situations very much like yours for decades. And until the abused partner - that's you, my friend - physically removes herself from the household, nothing changes. And it usually escalates until one or both spouses end up in jail or worse.

I'm not saying you have to leave tonight. But just a thought: back a small overnight bag or backpack with enough toiletries and clothing to last you for 2-3 days away from home. Put it in the back of your closet. You might include a cheap pre-paid cell phone with the numbers of domestic violence shelters in your area programmed in it. I pray that you never need to grab it and go, but just knowing it's there the next time he lashes out at you might change both of your lives.

Good luck.


#10

[quote="gatewood1988, post:1, topic:235990"]
Last night he got into a yelling match with a neighbor...

[/quote]

My husband unfortunately has two volumes: loud and louder.

...and two tones: sarcastic and PO'd.

He is the best way to say, a brick wall of emotion.

*He doesn't get tender or intimate with me at all unless I beg him for it. *

He makes fun of my weight constantly because he finds it funny to pick on me and see my reactions.

*He almost killed our cat because she wouldn't stop rubbing up against his leg. *

*He has gone off on me several times physically... *

*He also acts like he is 7 all the time (constantly cracking potty humor jokes and whatnoteven in front of other people including the priest) *

Sounds like you hit the jackpot when you found this prince.

Seriously...why in the world did you marry this guy?


#11

I just feel like I am losing him slowly.

with all his abuse history, both as victim and perpetrator, do you think you ever really had him?

your dual posts are sadly too typical of the victim posts here on CAF: please help me with my impossible husband; here let me describe his behavior (which is classically abusive.)

then when others point out the abusiveness the OP retracts:*** that's not what i meant. it's not that bad. i'm not going anywhere. please just tell me how i can improve my spouse's behavior.***

but so far, there hasn't ever been a single person in all the world who has weilded enough power and influence to, **without force, **change the behavior of a person who doesnt want to change.

but you say he wants to heal the marriage. your husband needs to get help for himself, first. but you say he **wont **do that. so i think he'll just end up abdicating the responsibility to change onto you.

and that's STILL classic abuse behavior.


#12

A-men!


#13

Very well put, Monica. And sadly, it's not just CAF that gets these posts.


#14

How incredibly degrading?:confused:


#15

Our Father, which art in Heaven
Hollowed be thy name
Thy kingdom come, thy will be done
On earth as it is in Heaven

Give us this day, our daily bread
And forgive us our trespasses
As we forgive those who trespass against us

Lead us not into temptation
But deliver us from evil
Amen

Hail Mary, full of grace
The Lord is with thee
Blessed art thou amongst women
And blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus

Holy Mary, Mother of God
Pray for us sinners
Now and at the hour of our deaths
Amen

Glory be to The Father, The Son and The Holy Spirit
As it was in the beginning, is now and ever shall be
World without end
Amen


#16

I had an abusive boyfriend for 2 years. It took a good month of therapy before I would even admit how abusive he really was, I was in that much denial. Because, if I admitted that he was abusive, what did that say about my standards for myself???

And abusers are like hypnotists…they sort of put you under a spell. Most of them are very charming, sweet, attentive at first. When you are desperate for that kind of attention it feels very good. Then gradually they start isolating you from your friends, taking up all your time, calling you too much, showing up at your work unexpectedly. Once they know you are all theirs, the “fun” starts. They show their jealous and vindictive nature - they get obsessive and call at all hours when you try to get away from them. They stalk you. They disrupt your work by calling repeatedly and harassing you on the job.

It’s not easy to get away. There is a psychic quality to abusers, plus nowdays they have access to so much more information thanks to the internet, so they can track you more effectively.

I hope the OP can stay safe, and keep her innocent cat safe as well. I fear she is now backtracking and is in denial about how unsafe she really is.:frowning:


closed #17

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