It’s to much to ask for. You can’t ask someone who is griving children to have more children. You can’t replace a baby with another baby. It’s not a matter of just trying again. I beleive a childs life begins at conception and as their mom I won’t pick favorites. I will grieve them all till the day I die no more or no little than each other even though one was a miscarriage, another an early twin loss and another a stillbirth. Only one is buried but it’s there I go on their birthdays. I just went yesterday and it’s a big deal.
I know if I get pregnant even on my best day I have a 50/50 shot of miscarriage with the Chromosome Translocation and that is being conservative. I know their is a much higher chance that they will have severe birth defects like David had. I know what it’s like to watch them die when I can do nothing about it. I know that horrible kind of loss is more common than it should be in this age of medical enlightenment.
I don’t know how to forgive people who assume it’s part of my job as a wife to get pregnant. How can you call yourself pro-life and be so irresponsible about life? It makes me sick. I feel that people like that don’t really know and don’t really care. It is offensive to me to have someone suggest I could and should as a wife get pregnant. I know I have one of the rare exceptions under the Humanna Vite. I don’t have to try again.
Instead, I can keep using NFP forEVER. You go to the site and see all the happy infertile parents who had such great sucess. I talk to my NFP consultant and from the very beginning she was telling me how she hoped there would be a way to help me be sucessful carrying to term because she knows how much I want to have a baby that will be born ALIVE. I AM a MOTHER so it’s not a matter of griving the fact that I’m not. I GRIEVE MY DEAD CHILDREN. I’d like to have ONE to take home. NFP held faulse hope. It wasn’t even hope for me. It was skepticism. Then I didn’t get excited when she told me the chances could be taken down to only 20% that I would miscarry because it seemed to good to be true since it’s a genetic disease. It was too good to be true.
So I do NFP and I have disliked it from the beginning. I’ve said from the moment I found out that I wanted to get my tubed tied. It’s safest that way. My sister doesn’t have the Chromosome Translocation but she has other infertility issues. But I can’t use her as an egg donor and I can’t be a surrogate for her so this decision to continue in the Catholic way means she doesn’t get to be a Mom either. I can’t use PGD IVF pregnancies because a) they destroy the fertilized eggs that have the genetic mutation even though they would die anyway and b) it’s not natural.
NFP has the added bonus of reminding me all the time that I’m trying not to get pregnant and I hate that because I’d love to get pregnant. There is so much I missed in my pregnancies. Not to mention that my cycle is so screwed up that I can hardly read it even though it’s been almost a year. Unlike most people who have a slip up when I slip up it could mean a person will die; another of my very own children will get a death sentance. When a person’s life is at steak what could be so horrible about condoms? But no, I was told that I need to confess that. Look, I’m even going to the NFP doctor to get my cycle more regular. I don’t know why, it will just make me more fertile but I’ll at least be able to read the chart and not have it look like I’m fertile all month long when in reality I may not even be ovulating.
Is it so hard to beleive that I haven’t had even an ounce of desire to go to church since we had our marriage blessed in July? Then I hear a few people telling me that I’ve lost faith. I got hurt and frustrated. I’ve been angry at God for years off and on. Now I’m just tired of it. I want it to just be over. Someone else can have my brand of fertility. I don’t want it any more. Is it really so hard to imagine that a person would stop beleiving in miracles? Sometimes I think I beleive but that is usually followed with more rational thoughts of being silly because things have rational exsplainations. That’s great if someone wants to call something a miracle; especially if it makes them more faithful but try being the person who survived the car crash about your miracle to the Mom who’s son died in a car crash or being the one who lived through cancer to the husband who’s wife died from cancer.