The narrow path of infertility


#1

It's to much to ask for. You can't ask someone who is griving children to have more children. You can't replace a baby with another baby. It's not a matter of just trying again. I beleive a childs life begins at conception and as their mom I won't pick favorites. I will grieve them all till the day I die no more or no little than each other even though one was a miscarriage, another an early twin loss and another a stillbirth. Only one is buried but it's there I go on their birthdays. I just went yesterday and it's a big deal.

I know if I get pregnant even on my best day I have a 50/50 shot of miscarriage with the Chromosome Translocation and that is being conservative. I know their is a much higher chance that they will have severe birth defects like David had. I know what it's like to watch them die when I can do nothing about it. I know that horrible kind of loss is more common than it should be in this age of medical enlightenment.

I don't know how to forgive people who assume it's part of my job as a wife to get pregnant. How can you call yourself pro-life and be so irresponsible about life? It makes me sick. I feel that people like that don't really know and don't really care. It is offensive to me to have someone suggest I could and should as a wife get pregnant. I know I have one of the rare exceptions under the Humanna Vite. I don't have to try again.

Instead, I can keep using NFP forEVER. You go to the site and see all the happy infertile parents who had such great sucess. I talk to my NFP consultant and from the very beginning she was telling me how she hoped there would be a way to help me be sucessful carrying to term because she knows how much I want to have a baby that will be born ALIVE. I AM a MOTHER so it's not a matter of griving the fact that I'm not. I GRIEVE MY DEAD CHILDREN. I'd like to have ONE to take home. NFP held faulse hope. It wasn't even hope for me. It was skepticism. Then I didn't get excited when she told me the chances could be taken down to only 20% that I would miscarry because it seemed to good to be true since it's a genetic disease. It was too good to be true.

So I do NFP and I have disliked it from the beginning. I've said from the moment I found out that I wanted to get my tubed tied. It's safest that way. My sister doesn't have the Chromosome Translocation but she has other infertility issues. But I can't use her as an egg donor and I can't be a surrogate for her so this decision to continue in the Catholic way means she doesn't get to be a Mom either. I can't use PGD IVF pregnancies because a) they destroy the fertilized eggs that have the genetic mutation even though they would die anyway and b) it's not natural.

NFP has the added bonus of reminding me all the time that I'm trying not to get pregnant and I hate that because I'd love to get pregnant. There is so much I missed in my pregnancies. Not to mention that my cycle is so screwed up that I can hardly read it even though it's been almost a year. Unlike most people who have a slip up when I slip up it could mean a person will die; another of my very own children will get a death sentance. When a person's life is at steak what could be so horrible about condoms? But no, I was told that I need to confess that. Look, I'm even going to the NFP doctor to get my cycle more regular. I don't know why, it will just make me more fertile but I'll at least be able to read the chart and not have it look like I'm fertile all month long when in reality I may not even be ovulating.

Is it so hard to beleive that I haven't had even an ounce of desire to go to church since we had our marriage blessed in July? Then I hear a few people telling me that I've lost faith. I got hurt and frustrated. I've been angry at God for years off and on. Now I'm just tired of it. I want it to just be over. Someone else can have my brand of fertility. I don't want it any more. Is it really so hard to imagine that a person would stop beleiving in miracles? Sometimes I think I beleive but that is usually followed with more rational thoughts of being silly because things have rational exsplainations. That's great if someone wants to call something a miracle; especially if it makes them more faithful but try being the person who survived the car crash about your miracle to the Mom who's son died in a car crash or being the one who lived through cancer to the husband who's wife died from cancer.

cont...


#2

I've been sick and almost died. I ended up in the ICU with 6 hours to live (that obviously ended up not to be the case). What I learned from that exsperience is that it's scary but I think from my own exsperience it's worse watching someone die than actually being there. Being the one left behind is the worst exsperience I've had. And I try to look up information from a Catholic perspective and I keep seeing over and over that I should, "always be open to new life." That only makes me want to be celibate forever. My husband is the same way. Without that little box of rubbers to stand between us a certain death it's not exactly enticing.

Then, oh for joy, my gift of infertility means I get to instead look forward to volunteering for others forever. And I should not despair but instead be an example for others; an example for parents to hug their kids a little tighter and for young couples who may be holding out on kids and other infertile couples who can see how well I take this. That is just going to far. I'm not going to be a mom to living children. I'm never going to try to get pregnant again and I don't want anyone to make me feel guilty about that. I'm going to be frustrated about it for awhile and then I'll get comfortable with it. Then I'll accept it and make it a part of my life. And no one will ever stir up the pot again so I can move on from this **** by trying to suggest I should get pregnant again. I'm not going to be happy about the narrow path but I'll follow it because I don't really have a choice, do I?

I had just healed so much. I started school and was busy working all the time. Then someone brought this up. I felt I had accepted that I am not going to be the mother of living kids. I'd visit the cemetary when I could and that would be my motherhood. Meanwhile, turned negatives into positives but never again made the mistake of beleiving that things would turn out well. You make plans but you end up in whatever pot hole God needs you in and you just gotta keep going forward even if failure is where you end up every time. That is life. I was even starting a thankful journal. I'd made new friends. Then THIS falls in my lap again. Somone telling me that I could get pregnant. Then I start doing research and now I'm where I started. I'm so tired of this.

I don't want to go to church. I don't want to do NFP. I don't want to confess because I am pissed. I don't care if I'm being a baby. I don't like stupid people suggesting that I walk right into the short life of another person. That is not a decision you make lightly as it is not something a NORMAL human should be capable of walking away from lightly. I can't comprehend someone who has a child that dies who can walk away and just try again with what looks like very little grief at all. I don't understand how somone who is pro-life could be that way. I don't even claim to be pro-life any more. I get as angry at some of the things they do as the pro-choice people but that would be a whole other post all together.

Now that I've said my peice I can sleep and forget it for the next few days. My son's 4th birthday is coming up this week so I'm going to be thinking about this at least until after then. Eggshells are good to walk on around me until after then.

It would be great though if there were an NFP support group for people who dislike it as much as my husband and I do. People who have to use it to keep from getting pregnant for similar medical reasons even though they want to have kids. I always feel like I'm so alone with how much we dislike the program. Like the people I talk to about it don't comprehend why it's such a painful program for us to use. My husband hasn't had anything to do with it most of the time we've been on it. Talking about the program is like facing something we don't want to face and he won't do it. He won't even be in the house when the NFP lady is here. It's frustrating.


#3

I do not think that it is my place to give comments, advice or criticism here. All I can say is that I am very sorry for your trials and for your children, and that I will pray for you.

Just one thing - have you considered the possibility of adoption?


#4

Jesus,our Lords peace be with You.
My dear friend. I have no words that can help You,and I never will have,but I do have a heart that cryes with You,a prayer to make Your road easyer to walk,and faith strong enough to carry You if You ever loose Yours.
God will always be with You.


#5

I am very sorry that you have this heavy cross laid upon you; your words are very eloquent of your sorrow and pain. I have no advice, but will pray for you.


#6

My prayers are with you!!!

Matthew 5:5 Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.


#7

I am sorry for your losses. They were real children - I hope someone in real life acknowledges that to you and your husband. God bless you.


#8

Many prayers for the heavy, heavy cross you are carrying. I, too, have lost several children and it is a tragedy every time.


#9

[quote="Impertinens, post:3, topic:218111"]

Just one thing - have you considered the possibility of adoption?

[/quote]

I realize you are trying to be helpful and kind but as someone who has similar reasons for using NFP but miles apart as far as the trial and pain this woman is experiencing trust me we know about adoption, and if we didn't everybody and their brother (again trying to be helpful) suggests it. Its not so easy like going to a pound and adopting a puppy & there a different reasons why couples don't go that route but trust me we all know about adoption. I knew as I was reading the opening post that recommendation would come.

To the OP I hate to even compare myself to you because I have one living child and have not lost any children. I do have a medical condition that would make any further pregnancies deadly for me and my unborn child -so we will use NFP indefinitely. I can't conjure any words of comfort, it just seems wrong to even try because I have not walked in your shoes but I will keep you in my prayers.


#10

I have also carried the cross of infertility and loss, and I will keep you in my prayers. Personally, I found that the more I pushed God out of my life, the heavier my cross was to carry. Once I went to him weekly with my tears and pain, the cross seemed a little lighter to carry. I will pray that you find peace.


#11

I am so sorry for the loss you have lived and will continue to live. I have never been pregnant, have been always infertile. My heart aches for you.

I will offer my next Mass for you and your family. Please do get back to Mass though. Even if all you do is sit there off to the side - just BE in the presence of Christ. He will do the rest.

~Liza


#12

My husband and I are going through infertility issues but they are, as far as we know on his end. I have never been pregnant. We have used NFP and I am very frustrated with it. I also know that suggesting adoption isn't an option either. I'm not sure if I want to adopt. It isn't easy. All I can do is to pray for you. It is horribly frustrating and very, very painful. I can't imagine what you are going through.

I do suggest that you try to talk to a priest. I know that it is cathartic to get the emotions and feelings out on the screen. That is good but talk to a priest and if you get a chance go to church, when it is empty and pray before the Blessed Sacrament and tell God everything you have said in this post. Let it all out.


#13

[quote="rayne89, post:9, topic:218111"]
I realize you are trying to be helpful and kind but as someone who has similar reasons for using NFP but miles apart as far as the trial and pain this woman is experiencing trust me we know about adoption, and if we didn't everybody and their brother (again trying to be helpful) suggests it. Its not so easy like going to a pound and adopting a puppy & there a different reasons why couples don't go that route but trust me we all know about adoption. I knew as I was reading the opening post that recommendation would come.

[/quote]

I apologize if i caused any offense.

I know that adoption is never simple, and that it is not always possible; but the OP did not mention it, and it is a potential, meritorious way of couples with sterility problems to have children, so it is not surprising that it often comes up in this kind of discussion. It certainly is not an original suggestion; but, well, it is something that the OP did not address which is related to her issue.


#14

[quote="Impertinens, post:13, topic:218111"]
I apologize if i caused any offense.

I know that adoption is never simple, and that it is not always possible; but the OP did not mention it, and it is a potential, meritorious way of couples with sterility problems to have children, so it is not surprising that it often comes up in this kind of discussion. It certainly is not an original suggestion; but, well, it is something that the OP did not address which is related to her issue.

[/quote]

The problem is that she will ALWAYS have her genetic issue. Even after adoption, they would still be in the very same position of having to avoid pregnancy or risk conceiving a child that will ultimately die. Adoption would never change that. This is far more complex than only infertility.

But I'm sure she knew you meant well.

~Liza


#15

[quote="lizaanne, post:14, topic:218111"]
The problem is that she will ALWAYS have her genetic issue. Even after adoption, they would still be in the very same position of having to avoid pregnancy or risk conceiving a child that will ultimately die. Adoption would never change that. This is far more complex than only infertility.

But I'm sure she knew you meant well.

~Liza

[/quote]

Exactly. Also, adoption will take away the desire to have biological children. I have a friend who has adopted two children. She still desires to have a biological child with her husband even though they can't. The pain is always there.


#16

[quote="Chovy, post:10, topic:218111"]
Personally, I found that the more I pushed God out of my life, the heavier my cross was to carry. Once I went to him weekly with my tears and pain, the cross seemed a little lighter to carry. I will pray that you find peace.

[/quote]

[quote="lizaanne, post:11, topic:218111"]
Please do get back to Mass though. Even if all you do is sit there off to the side - just BE in the presence of Christ. He will do the rest.

[/quote]

[quote="rapunzel77, post:12, topic:218111"]

I do suggest that you try to talk to a priest. I know that it is cathartic to get the emotions and feelings out on the screen. That is good but talk to a priest and if you get a chance go to church, when it is empty and pray before the Blessed Sacrament and tell God everything you have said in this post. Let it all out.

[/quote]

Please listen to these beautiful calls back to faith. Christ alone can heal you in only the ways He knows best...
You will be in my prayers...


#17

Bless your heart. I am praying for you in your grief.


#18

[quote="rapunzel77, post:15, topic:218111"]
Exactly. Also, adoption will take away the desire to have biological children. I have a friend who has adopted two children. She still desires to have a biological child with her husband even though they can't. The pain is always there.

[/quote]

This is true. As an adoptive mom who has had several losses, I can tell you that adoption bring immense joy and fulfillment.

Continued prayers, verawang.


#19

[quote="Impertinens, post:13, topic:218111"]
I apologize if i caused any offense.

I know that adoption is never simple, and that it is not always possible; but the OP did not mention it, and it is a potential, meritorious way of couples with sterility problems to have children, so it is not surprising that it often comes up in this kind of discussion. It certainly is not an original suggestion; but, well, it is something that the OP did not address which is related to her issue.

[/quote]

I'm sure that the OP knows adoption is an option for building a family, but it would not solve her genetic issues or her need to avoid pregnancy indefinitely. As many posters say on an adoption forum I frequent, adoption does not "cure" infertility. Adoption can make an infertile couple into parents, but it does not remove the causes of their infertility, nor does it alone remove the couple's very real grief. I would not trade my children for any other children in the world, and I believe they were meant to be mine. But there is still sadness occasionally -- sadness for the children miscarried, sadness that I did not carry my children in my womb, sadness that I missed out on their infancy (having adopted them as toddlers/preschoolers). My children are wonderful, and I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world, but I still sometimes wish that I could have known them from the very moment of their conception, if that makes sense.

OP, yours is a very heavy cross to bear, and your grief and pain are so clear in your posts. I know my journey and my struggles with IF are different than yours, but I found on my journey that the more I focused on the heaviness of my cross, the angrier I became with God -- and the angrier and more distant from God I became, the heavier my cross became. The only way for me to cope with my cross was to rely on His mercy and grace. Please consider coming back to Mass. Even if you are still angry and hurting, just come. If you can't handle the crowds at Mass yet, come and sit in a silent church in front of the Blessed Sacrament. Tell Jesus what's on your mind, and let Him be with you.

I will be praying for you, OP.


#20

Why do horrible things happen to good people? Is there an older or more intractable problem facing the human soul? It’s especially hard because we live in a culture today that declares that the WORST thing that could ever happen to a person is for him/her to suffer. We can’t stand to look at the old, the crippled, the insane, so we put them in institutions that conveiently keep them out of our daily sight. We pretend it is mercy to kill people like Terry Schiavo or others that really are terminally ill. We do everything we can to avoid facing the fact that suffering is part of the human conditon.

We reach and grasp for anything and everything that promises us it will alleviate our suffering. But not everything that temporarily makes things feel better really DOES make things better. Drugs and alcohol are easy examples and yet look how many people fall victim to that temptation for escape. How much more tempting are the more subtly self destructive ways of escaping from our suffering? But always, always ask the same question you would of drugs and alcohol - what price? What price will be paid?

I’ve suffered very little in my comfy American life. But I do know that the saints are no strangers to suffering. And maybe the saints are a better source of valuable advice than a bunch of random sinners (redeemed or not) on the internet.

May God Bless you and give you some way of finding consolation.


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