The NFP roller coaster


#1

I have a problem. Let me start by saying that I’m a convert and my husband is a cradle Catholic that is very frustrated with the Church. He spent some time in an AOG denomination and constantly complains about the RCC and how its people aren’t spiritual enough. But that’s a whole other issue.

Our main problem is contraception. We have 4 small children and I always took the pill when we were trying to avoid, until I converted. My doctor recommends that I use the pill when we aren’t TTC because I have irregular cycles and they tend to be quite long. He said that if it’s my drs recommendation for a legitimate medical problem, that its use is licit and that I should follow drs orders.

But my heart still aches. I still feel guilty…like I"m using a loop hole. I began researching natural ways to regulate my cycle and contacted a Creighton instructor. However, my husband is completely against NFP and is not at all open to more children. He said that he believes in birth control and that that he is so sure he is “done” that he wants a vasectomy. I can understand him not wanting another baby right now. I woould love more children, but only if he wants it too. It isn’t something that I want to insist on, even though the thought of our youngest being our last is painful. I feel that God should plan our family, but it isn’t enough for just “me” to think that.

He told me that if I use NFP he’ll use condoms and that if I get pregnant it will cause serious problems in our marriage. He didn’t say he would leave me, but said that he may even resent the child. He only wanted 2 and we have 4, so he’s not compromising anymore. Further, if I had told him I wanted such a big family, he never would have married me. Ugh…this is just so SO painful!

Is it wrong to continue to use the pill? I am so anti-BCP, but I’m confused bc I’m receiving a medical benefit from something that I feel has been a detriment to society.

I feel like we’re falling apart over this. I told him that I would take the pill, only bc my dr ordered it and my pastor ok-ed it. I also feel it’s the only way to stop him from having a vasectomy. I truly feel that with prayer he may have a change of heart one day but right now I feel like he’s the most selfish man on the planet. Them more I insist on NFP, the more tense things become and the more he hates the Church.

I guess I just want to stop feeling guilty and stop feeling like I’m betraying Jesus and His church every time I pop a pill or am intimate with my husband.:frowning:

It’s like I’m in a mixed marriage (even though he’s still “technically” Catholic) and I just am not able to sort this thing out.

Thanks for reading…


#2

Wow, and he looks down on catholics for not being "spiritual?" :confused:

I wonder if the Creighton instructor might know of a good catholic marriage counselor. Not just one that claims to be catholic, but one who incorporates all of our beliefs into his/her practice.

I wonder if your husband even recognizes that his is not taking your convictions and feelings into account at all in this matter. The internet is no place for solid advice on things like this, except perhaps if someone can point you to a solid flesh and blood catholic marriage counselor in your area. Hearing both sides of the story and helping each actually listen to the other requires a human presence. A glowing screen just doesn't cut it. I know local priests where I would start if this were me. But if I didn't trust the catholicity of my local priests, I'd probably start by trying to call in to a catholic radio show called "The Inner Life" on Relevant Radio (google em). They can probably put you in touch with somebody local.


#3

He won't go to counselling and when things were ok between us he wouldn't even entertain going to Marriage Encounter with me. I love my husband very much, but he is so hard of heart when it comes to Catholicism. He was very supportive when I was converting but the more I try to follow the Church's teachings, the further apart we become.

He says that Catholics don't read Scripture, they don't know the Bible and only know doctrine, not Jesus.


#4

[quote="mrsp813, post:3, topic:203546"]
He won't go to counselling and when things were ok between us he wouldn't even entertain going to Marriage Encounter with me. I love my husband very much, but he is so hard of heart when it comes to Catholicism. He was very supportive when I was converting but the more I try to follow the Church's teachings, the further apart we become.

He says that Catholics don't read Scripture, they don't know the Bible and only know doctrine, not Jesus.

[/quote]

As a former Assemblies of God member, I can tell yout hat his attitude is fairly common. This is a good opportunity for you though, since you can prove to him that catholics do love Jesus, do know scripture, and have rich spiritual lives. You are also in a fantastic position to pray for him.

About the ABC, he may disagree with you but he does need to honor you as his wife. He can't expect you to keep taking the pill if you don't want to because he doesn't want to have more kids. That's just unfair to ask of you.

Secondly, the pill is licit for medicinal use, but that is your discretion. Only you know for sure if you are taking it because of a medical reason, or if your primary reason is avoiding pregnancy. If you feel convicted about using a "loophole", chances are your heart may be telling you something.

Focus on loving God. He will guide your steps and give you wisdom and peace. Your husband sounds like he has a lot he is worried about, and I pray that you two will continue to find love and joy in one another. :hug1:


#5

Also...he claims that he isn't forcing me to take the pill. He said that I'm choosing it because if it were up to him, he would get the vasectomy and I would no longer need to take or do anything.

Again...I understand why he isn't ready for another little one...that's ok with me. I honestly could use a break for some time myself. I guess the difference is that if I were to become unexpectedly pregnant, I would just accept it as God's will. He wouldn't. :(
And obviously, we differ in what we consider the proper way to avoid pregnancy.


#6

The pill is poison....

It makes your body stop working the way its supposed to, it isn't healing, its faking and glossing over the real problems. Go to a doctor who will find out whats really wrong and heal the problem.

The pill is also abortive.


#7

[quote="mrsp813, post:5, topic:203546"]
Also...he claims that he isn't forcing me to take the pill. He said that I'm choosing it because if it were up to him, he would get the vasectomy and I would no longer need to take or do anything.

Again...I understand why he isn't ready for another little one...that's ok with me. I honestly could use a break for some time myself. I guess the difference is that if I were to become unexpectedly pregnant, I would just accept it as God's will. He wouldn't. :(
And obviously, we differ in what we consider the proper way to avoid pregnancy.

[/quote]

This is a hard situation. The only thing I can advise is to keep communication going. Have you guys thought about starting to pray together?


#8

This is one of the hardest things we've gone through. I can usually get through most things..I think that I'm a strong person. But I've never had a problem reconnecting with him like I am now. It's hard to look at him without hearing the ugly things he has said. I"ve never been so...disappointed in my husband.

We really should try to pray together on it but I'm scared to misword a prayer or something and make him upset. I suppose we should just pray for healing and unity...


#9

[quote="mrsp813, post:8, topic:203546"]
This is one of the hardest things we've gone through. I can usually get through most things..I think that I'm a strong person. But I've never had a problem reconnecting with him like I am now. It's hard to look at him without hearing the ugly things he has said. I"ve never been so...disappointed in my husband.

We really should try to pray together on it but I'm scared to misword a prayer or something and make him upset. I suppose we should just pray for healing and unity...

[/quote]

Well, you said he was AG. Is this what you are worried about when miswording a prayer? If you need help communicating with him on these things, I'd be happy to help you. I consider myself bilingual in both catholic and protestantese (specifically pentecostal). ^_^


#10

I’m definitely open to help! (I find it hard to work prayers sometimes.) I mostly meant that I have to maybe avoid praying to be open to life or nfp etc. I maybe should just pray for our unity as a couple and for us to see children as God sees children…


#11

[quote="mrsp813, post:10, topic:203546"]
I'm definitely open to help! (I find it hard to work prayers sometimes.) I mostly meant that I have to maybe avoid praying to be open to life or nfp etc. I maybe should just pray for our unity as a couple and for us to see children as God sees children...

[/quote]

Honestly, I wouldn't even go that far. I mean, pray what you like in your personal prayers, but when you are praying with your husband I'd keep it to asking God to bring you closer together as a couple, and closer to him. As you two draw nearer to God, you will draw nearer to one another. I've had it described to me as a triangle:

http://www.heartlight.org/graphics/together/tg_980304_lastinglove_diagram.gif

The two of you can't travel along the bottom of the triangle towards each other. It is only by moving towards God, that you draw nearer to one another.

The more you two develop intimacy, the more I would hope he'd see things from your perspective and vice-versa. Who knows, maybe letting him see your catholic devotion amy win him over! Pray for him. :)


closed #12

DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit www.catholic.com.