The perfect guy.. but


#1

Hi everyone :) Haven't been on here for a while.
Now I have a question that I would like to hear people's comments on.
I met in the past some guys that I was passionately in love with but who would not have been good husband material, and under circumstances which were bad (non-believers etc).
Now I have finally met a good believing guy, mature, handsome, sweet, considerate, deep, loving and overwhelming in his responses towards me, also when I am more than difficult.
I have never met a guy like him, and feel he is really what I want if I had made a list.
But that feeling is lacking... that feeling you know..
So I have taken a time out from being in contact with him daily, and thus hurt his feelings with my indecisive manner.
I would just like to hear about peoples personal experience..
Did you all fall in love with your fiancé(e)/spouse in that way which is called "falling in love" passionately, which gives butterflies in the stomach etc.. ?
Or did some of you choose to be with a person who you didnt "fall in love with" because you simply saw that this person was good and beautiful in your eyes and you liked being with them... and then maybe came to fall in love/or love later, after comitting.. or .. I dont know what to say.
I feel I am in a great dilemma.. I really enjoy spending time with this person, we have super-many things in common, he can handle me, communicate with me, like the same things I like, have same spirituality etc. He is wonderful and independent. There are so many good things to say. And he is in love with me and dedicated.. but I feel that something is missing in my feelings and some emptiness and sentimentality is in me even when he is close to me...
Have anyone been in this situation. What did you do to get clarification about what to do, besides praying? and please don't say the answer is already in the silence of my heart. I really cant hear it.. :confused:

Grace:blush:


#2

[quote="GraceDK, post:1, topic:191397"]
Hi everyone :) Haven't been on here for a while.
Now I have a question that I would like to hear people's comments on.
I met in the past some guys that I was passionately in love with but who would not have been good husband material, and under circumstances which were bad (non-believers etc).
Now I have finally met a good believing guy, mature, handsome, sweet, considerate, deep, loving and overwhelming in his responses towards me, also when I am more than difficult.
I have never met a guy like him, and feel he is really what I want if I had made a list.
But that feeling is lacking... that feeling you know..
So I have taken a time out from being in contact with him daily, and thus hurt his feelings with my indecisive manner.
I would just like to hear about peoples personal experience..
Did you all fall in love with your fiancé(e)/spouse in that way which is called "falling in love" passionately, which gives butterflies in the stomach etc.. ?
Or did some of you choose to be with a person who you didnt "fall in love with" because you simply saw that this person was good and beautiful in your eyes and you liked being with them... and then maybe came to fall in love/or love later, after comitting.. or .. I dont know what to say.
I feel I am in a great dilemma.. I really enjoy spending time with this person, we have super-many things in common, he can handle me, communicate with me, like the same things I like, have same spirituality etc. He is wonderful and independent. There are so many good things to say. And he is in love with me and dedicated.. but I feel that something is missing in my feelings and some emptiness and sentimentality is in me even when he is close to me...
Have anyone been in this situation. What did you do to get clarification about what to do, besides praying? and please don't say the answer is already in the silence of my heart. I really cant hear it.. :confused:

Grace:blush:

[/quote]

You sound a little like me....Guy was great on paper but not sure how i felt.

I wouldn't say i ever got butterfiles in my stomach over my fiancé. It took God a long time to knock me over the head to see that this friend i had was the perfect guy for me. And when i mean perfect i don't mean he doesn't have faults etc but that he fits all the things i knew had to be met in a spouse (catholic, smart, makes me laugh etc.). All i knew is that i liked him a lot and didn't want to screw things up. (There is a comfort level that comes with knowing your partner and knowing that you share so many good strong building blocks so don't over look those things!)

Then things changed slowly. I knew that just holding his hand made me feel special, i enjoyed spending time doing the little things like working on his house and just being with him. He supported me in everything i did and made me want to be a better women. I had never told a man until him that "I loved him" but even after that i still never felt the butterfiles. I just knew that i could trust him.

I think a big part of that is because i had given my heart to God to protect. I still couldn't believe that i was worthy of this beautiful and wonderful man. And i didn't want to get hurt and because i had come from divorced parents. I didn't quite think i would find a man i could spend the rest of my life with.

Honestly until i got engaged i didn't get those butterflies. I get them now just thinking about him and when i get a hug from him or he grabs my hand to hold during the movies i get all those butterfiles. Part of it is that i know he is committed to me. He wants to be with. He wants to build a life with me. He wouldn't have given me his family ring if he wasn't going to stick around!

I know that still am protecting my heart just a little because we aren't married yet but i can't wait till oct 16th!!! Also what i thought was love in the beginning of our relationship has deepened and change.

My Suggestions: It sounds like you are on the right path. Taking things slow. God has a plan for each of us so we just need to be open. Don't believe that things will be anything like they are in the movies. Love doesn't happen like that. When i watch those movies now i look at them and go you have no idea what your talking about. My love is so much deeper then they show.

Questions for you...Now that you have taken a step back do you still feel the urge to call him and communicate with him? Do you miss the contact with him? If you do then you might have a path you can go down. But if you have gone on like nothing is different and you don't feel the need to to talk to him then maybe your answer is that your meant to be friends and nothing more.


#3

[quote="GraceDK, post:1, topic:191397"]
But that feeling is lacking... that feeling you know..

[/quote]

Which "feeling"? lust . . . infatuation . . . pride . . . ?

Will he help you get into heaven? If so, then, YES! If not, then NO!


#4

The only girl I fell head over heels for I haven’t seen for 30 years. I’ve been married to my beautiful wife for 26 years in April. It’s been a work in progress and increasing love the whole time.


#5

[quote="GraceDK, post:1, topic:191397"]
Hi everyone :) Haven't been on here for a while.
Now I have a question that I would like to hear people's comments on.
I met in the past some guys that I was passionately in love with but who would not have been good husband material, and under circumstances which were bad (non-believers etc).

Now I have finally met a good believing guy, mature, handsome, sweet, considerate, deep, loving and overwhelming in his responses towards me, also when I am more than difficult.
I have never met a guy like him, and feel he is really what I want if I had made a list.
**Love is patient; love is kind. Love is not jealous, it does not put on airs, it is not snobbish. Love is never rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not prone to anger; neither does it brood over injuries. Love does not rejoice in what is wrong but rejoices with the truth. There is no limit to love's forebearance, to its trust, its hope, its power to endure.
Love never fails. . . . . There are in the end three things that last: faith, hope, and love, and the greatest of these is love.
1 Cor 13; 4-13

Perhaps all the other "...guys..." plural - have confussed your sense of true love. Sounds like you have found it, but cannot see it.**

But that feeling is lacking... that feeling you know..
So I have taken a time out from being in contact with him daily, and thus hurt his feelings with my indecisive manner.
I would just like to hear about peoples personal experience..
Did you all fall in love with your fiancé(e)/spouse in that way which is called "falling in love" passionately, which gives butterflies in the stomach etc.. ?
Or did some of you choose to be with a person who you didnt "fall in love with" because you simply saw that this person was good and beautiful in your eyes and you liked being with them... and then maybe came to fall in love/or love later, after comitting.. or .. I dont know what to say.
I feel I am in a great dilemma.. I really enjoy spending time with this person, we have super-many things in common, he can handle me, communicate with me, like the same things I like, have same spirituality etc. He is wonderful and independent. There are so many good things to say. And he is in love with me and dedicated.. but I feel that something is missing in my feelings and some emptiness and sentimentality is in me even when he is close to me...
Have anyone been in this situation. What did you do to get clarification about what to do, besides praying? and please don't say the answer is already in the silence of my heart. I really cant hear it.. :confused:

Grace:blush:

[/quote]


#6

As you mature, love changes.


#7

Several things I can tell you, Grace:

  1. Feelings and sentimentality can feel awfully empty when they desperately look for objective foundation and have trouble finding it.

  2. Feelings and sentimentality feel awful when they aren't returned or when the person is clearly bad for you. Not in the sense of not the best, but in the sense of harmful.

  3. Can you name the feeling that is lacking? And if so, does that feeling involve challenge, thrill, like you have to fight or try? My impression is that being "all that" (as the guy whom you described) makes a guy end up friended because something's lacking.

  4. I realise that you appreciate him for how patient he is, and yes, it's important that he can "handle you", but I'm not sure that, "being able to handle me," is the best basis for a relationship. Would you describe yourself as being able to handle him, on a different note?

  5. Don't allow yourself to play the hide and seek game with him. You won't like it yourself, you might hurt him too. You don't want him, tell him. You want him but you want it slow or you aren't certain yet? Tell him. But the escaping foothold is a nightmare. I could write a Ph.D. paper about it. Please avoid messing with his head. At the minimum return messages, calls, offer alternative arrangements if things don't work out, communicate the sorry/thanks/please triad, avoid mixed signals and changing attitudes. Yes, I know it's hard and decisions are bastards, but you don't want someone who's kind to you to end up not knowing wherefrom the blows are coming.

  6. And if you have suspicions about how genuine his kindness is, see how he treats other people and see if it looks like it's concentrated on winning you over or just the way he is.

  7. A couple of years ago I fell for a very good friend, it was based on appreciating her for being what she had been for me, the butterflies did come and there was plenty and a relationship started. The relationship didn't work out anyway, but this is besides the point.

I'm sorry for being so up to the point and not very outgoing or nice to talk to, but this is my 40th hour awake and I've been delivered a very nasty blow today.


#8

Can’t help you. I knew I would marry the woman who is my wife the moment I saw her 23 years ago. All I can say is that one doesn’t live their life on paper — though there are times that would sure be a lot easier.


#9

That’s pretty much how it happened for me too. I knew I was going to marry my husband on our first date. I still get giddy when I see him after he’s been gone on a business trip.


#10

Well, at the moment there's someone in my life being said by many people (and even herself too) to look like she's been married to me for several years, plus the mutual friend who introduced us claims it was all visible on my face from second 1, and everybody who sees us not only thinks we're together but were basically made to be so, not to mention we look like blissfully happy kids that can't take eyes away from each other. Except we aren't together, odds are like you don't even wanna think, I'm getting doubts myself and I've had many an hour of headache from her, I would almost like to get mad at her and/or offended except I can't anyway and it's probably gonna end up with a once again hurt chev in an undetermined time, or wane away over several months, with pain and disilusionment. First sights and big impressions can be wrong too.


#11

Sometimes, when people say they are "head over heels in love" it is merely infatuation.

However,, I do not disbelieve someone when they say they knew right away they wanted to be with that person forever. Getting to know them and still having that feeling over a period of time is what tells if that is true.

Of the few different guys I dated when I was 18 and 19 I can honestly say that none of them made me feel that there was something particularly special about them. I did marry one of them, and we were married for 41 years and had eight children. I have been a widow for 11 years now, and have many happy memories, and loving family relationships with my children, their spouses, and my grandchildren.


#12

I’ll tell you my own story and you can weigh it against your situation. I dated throughout high school to my mid-20s looking for that guy that made my heart sing. See, I’d found it with my first love when I was 16. I adored him and felt I had to have that same feeling with “the guy.” As a result, I dated a lot of jerks and gave up on some really super guys who would have treated me well and been a good fit. As an example, I met a guy named Bill when I was 25. I never got that “feeling” about him. I was never ooey, gooey madly in love with him. I once even told my mother he was “nice but boring.” I did enjoy his company because he was so kind. And we were a good fit in a lot of ways: We had all the same values, same desire for a family, etc. There just wasn’t the butterflies and wow factor there for me. We dated off and on for about six months; more or less when we ran into each other. But I had to have that special feeling or it couldn’t go anywhere. Incidentally, about two weeks later, I ran into my first love. I was thrilled! He was still handsome, funny and so charming. He asked me to dinner and I readily agreed. At dinner, he was a perfect gentleman. He picked a lovely restaurant and brought me flowers. He told me about his life and how successful he’d become. I heard about his 3,500 sq. foot home, his brand-new car, his travel to Europe, how other people at work were jealous of his success…I was no longer impressed, I was embarrassed for him. I found his lack of grace in success revolting. Needless to say, my “feelings” didn’t hold up. The next day I called Bill and we met for coffee. Sixteen years, two children and a dog later, we are still together. He is my rock. He has been there for me when children needed fed at 3 a.m., when I had surgery and needed help getting to and from the bathroom, when I’ve had a lousy day at work and need a shoulder to cry on…the list goes on. I still don’t get butterflies and neither does he. But, I have a deep, profound love and respect for him that will never end. I know we will be together forever. That is what marriage needs to be built of; not a feeling that may or may not weather the test of time. I know it’s an important thing, so pray hard. The Blessed Mother and St. Joseph can help you discern your perfect mate. Good luck and God Bless!


#13

Don’t look for the perfect guy, because he doesn’t exist-you’ll never find someone who will meet all of your needs.

Sometimes people downplay love-never, ever look down upon the innate feelings of your heart fluttering or knees going week-yes, it can be just infatuation, but it can also be real, intense, and beautiful.

I don’t think you choose to be in love. No way. Not romantic enough for me…I’m convinced that there is an angel up there that brings us together with someone we love eternally.


#14

DH and I met online. When I saw his picture, I knew I wanted him to write to me…and he did once he noticed my profile. We fell in love before we even met in person. Four years later we’ve been married for almost 3 years and have a little family. We just knew.


#15

Love is not a feeling. It is a willful act one must master, especially after the eyes, hearing, taste, feelings, etc. fade away. Nobody stays young forever.

I’m so glad that the “girl of my dreams” abused me enough to never even get to that point where marriage came into play. She’s on my Facebook but looks really miserable under that smile of hers. I know far more about her and thank God I never got there. But the woman I ended up marrying did not meet my list. I knew somehow that my list was screwed up and the decision to marry here came quite unexpectedly while trying to run from her so that I could return to the seminary to become a priest. We’re working on 21 years, 3 kids and happy.


#16

:love::yup:
Agreed…I really think that love is a choice to follow those deep down, butterflies, weak knees when he smiles, can not wait to see him feeling…:slight_smile: Yay for romantics on CAF…hey I should start a group…:wink:


#17

I love that wshole romantic feeling. I can’t eat and can’t concentrate. Plus it feels good. I have always fallen for bad guys, so when I get these feelings for a guy who seems like a good man, I always assume the worst. Like he has a crazy wife locked in the attic, and we can’t be together until the house burns down. :slight_smile: Bonus points for naming the book where that camed from (also my favorite book ever).


#18

JANE EYRE! :stuck_out_tongue:

But…I am a librarian with a Brit. Lit. Degree…:wink:


#19

Hands over bonus points and virtual Venti Carmel Macchiato.
I love the fact that the wife burns to death, and then “dear reader, I married him”.

I would check her for hidden gas cans.


#20

[quote="CountrySinger, post:19, topic:191397"]
Hands over bonus points and virtual Venti Carmel Macchiato.
I love the fact that the wife burns to death, and theb "dear reader, I married him".

[/quote]

:bounce: I love Carmel Macchiato's!

Well, the point is that he tried to save her anyhow...thereby showing he did indeed love her in some respect...and lost his sight because of it...:) He did love her at first sight...gulp...maybe this is not the best thing to bring up...:o

Anyhow...we now return to our regularly scheduled thread...:)


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