Why did you marry him? I am not being funny, I mean it, why did you marry him. Be really honest with yourself, list all the reasons, even if they aren’t the “best” or most romantic.
Does he still have these qualities? Do you still have those needs?
Every relationship is an agreement of sorts, an arrangement of needs, emotional and practical. What did you provide for one another during dating/engagement? What were you hoping for?
Marriage is much like any other relationship. It is not ever going to meet some outside standard, it is what it is, what the couple makes it. The difference is, we committ to marriage more deeply and in a sacred way. There is the third entity, the divine, in marriage as well.
Sometimes people get fooled my TV and self help books into thinking their spouse is supposed to be their best friend, ultimate lover, perfect spiritual partner, shoulder to cry on etc etc. ALL the time. No one can be all things all the time. My hubby is my best friend, but I have girl friends too, because there is a bunch of stuff I like he is not interested in. And frankly, I get stone cold bored hearing about every detail of his work, and I’m glad that he has friends from work he can hash it out with.
He likes music and movies I hate, and vice versa.
So, we share many wonderful things, but there are things we don’t hassle the other with either.
If, sometimes I need him to “hear me out” or act as a sounding board about something, he can and does, and I do the same for him.
It is easy to get caught up deciding how a spouse should act, what they should say, what they should …fill in the blank. We can do this to the point that we blind ourselves to the really good stuff they are doing, because we are matching them against some idea of a spouse we got into our heads.
It would be terrific if my hubby loved to share some of my hobbies with me, but he doesn’t. He supports them in other ways, by allowing me the time and freedom to persue them. by providing funds for me to persue them. By taking care of home/kids when I go to a show, etc.
I went through a similar stage as you earlier in my marriage. It is not uncommon. I encourage you to invest in yourself, it is an investment in your marriage. It is a huge pressure to put on anyone to make them responsible for your happiness and for being the kind of wife you want to be.
If you want to be a great wife, be it. Don’t say, “I coulda been a great wife, but he didn’t do XYZ…”
I am sort of old fashioned. I cook, bake, etc. I don’t do it for kudos. I do it because that is the kind of wife I decided to be. If he doesn’t remember to comment, well, I would have done it anyway, because that is who I am. He shows his appreciation in other ways. Like coming home every night, depositing that paycheck, picking up our kids from their friends house, etc. etc.
Those are no small things…do you remember to thank him for putting in another day at work? For putting the clothes in the dryer and having the tires changed?
Sometimes we are so busy looking at what they don’t do, we forget that we haven’t shown our appreciation either!