I’m not sure if this is the right forum to post this in, but I couldn’t find one that it seemed most appropriate.
I am an unmarried woman who for all of her life has been overeager for marriage. I’ve been dreaming and planning my wedding since I was four.
I do recognize this as a problem. I long for a placent heart and as of the past few months I’ve taken measures to not encourage my overeagerness for marriage. I mean, I used collect photos of wedding dresses on my computer just for the fun of it. I have now deleted thm all. I also avoid watching romance movies – granted they’ve nausiated me for some time now and I’ve recognize for a long time that they give a very false notion of love.
I’ve been trying to focus on the ever present and how I can serve God today. I have noticed that I am less restless when I am serving God in ways I feel most capable in. For instance, last year I volunteered with a ministry called “Ministry to Mom’s” where I helped out a local homemaker 3 hours a week, cooking meals, tutoring her children and what not so she could run errands. My stipend was free laundry!
This year I’ve been volunteering my time assisting with the Youth Ministry program at my parish.
I don’t tend to meet many devout Catholic men. I still hope for marriage, but I feel that whenever I find one of those rare virteous men my feelings get all exagerated. I try to stifle it by focusing more on what has already happened rather than what could happen and by giving time before I admit outloud that I like someone.
But as of currently, there is a man I do like very much. Last month, it did come out that we are both very attracted to each other, but these feelings for each other came out so quickly from us meeting that it does seem wise to try to slow them down. I mean, I do see the wisdom in this.
At the time, I felt that there was no reason really not to date. I told him I wasn’t proposing marriage to him. I just wanted to spend the time to get to know him and see what would happen. I just wanted the assurence that if things went a different direction, we’d be open about us going a completely different route. Granted, that’s my impatience coming out, as it was really his place to formally ask to start a relationship and not mine.
But somehow this lead to a holding hands, cuddling on the couch deal. In the end though he felt that he wasn’t in a place where he could enter into a relationship the way he wanted to and how concerned he was about hurting me, especially considering we didn’t know each other that well. Then for some reason he came over the next day to apoligise again for supposedly using me by holding my hand and putting his arm around me, though he was like “I do like you and its more the physical. I just didn’t realize how needy I am.” I was confused because it was what he had said the previous day and was a bit redundant.
So we’ve been friends since and I am very impressed that it hasn’t become a “We’re acting like we’re dating but saying we’re not.” type of situation. He’s backed off on the flirting he was doing before that whole confession of feelings, and so have I.
The problem is, I find myself thinking about that day way too often and not with regret. I realize we didn’t do anything sinful, but still we aren’t in such a relationship and its still rather motivating this whole “When will he change his mind and ask me out?” It wasn’t at all like a rejection. It was more like a “I’m not ready to date. Let’s be friends for now and if when I feel I’m ready to date and if I still feel this way toward you but with better reason to feel that way, then I’ll ask you out.”
I have been very impressed that the whole thing did not ruin our friendship. We’ve been able to act very naturally around each other, though at times I think we’re sitting in seperate chairs rather than on a couch together to avoid the temptation of grabbing the other’s hand.
I just know here that I can’t be sitting here waiting for him to decide to date me especially considering its not guarenteed to happen. Its not like there are other guys around to get to know and hang out with though, plus I don’t feel a person should be in this constant searching for romance mode. I feel like in my activity, I am just living my life as a single woman as I should, but that part of my heart is just waiting for him to change his mind.