First off, even though this initial post is sort of lengthy, I hope some of you actually take the time to read what I have to say
because I need someone to hear me.
I tell myself that God and this religion are the only things I truly care about. There’s nothing else I’d rather spend my time doing than being involved with my parish, the Church at large, and attempting to increase my own relationship to God. I am proud of what I have accomplished in this regard, but I continue to fail by continuing to allow myself to fall into mortal sin.
I’m struggling with lust to an unprecedented degree. After years and years of being nothing less than *an unfulfilled sex addict *(addicted to masturbation for 12 years, pornography for 6 years, and craving after women and sex since puberty), this really comes as no surprise. The struggle is immensely difficult, and *thanks be to God for giving me as much grace as he does *-- but there are times, like today, when I’m depressed for certain, concrete reasons, that my faith and hope give out so I give up and give in.
And I feel like dirt immediately afterwards.
Yesterday I went to confession to confess my lust. (Mind you, now that I sit here in mortal sin, I am awaiting my next opportunity for confession…) (Please, God, allow me the chance soon…)
There’s this priest who…well, who I just don’t like confessing to, as I’ll explain why below. Given his physical health and general inability to preside over any Masses, I think the other priests of my parish have made him the general go-to man for confession. He’s a very astute man. He’s very smart. I even heard that Pope John Paul II called upon this man personally when the child molestation cases started springing up.
Despite all these wonderful qualities, I must admit that I never leave the confessional after speaking with him feeling like a great burden has been lifted, as if things have been explained to me about what I can do to combat my sins, etc. He gives penances which cannot be completed easily, however, but are nonetheless fitting. Most of the time he tells me that I’m not living a holistic life or that I need to strive for better relationships with other people. While I cannot deny that this will indeed help me in some regards, I don’t quite understand how doing this will help me on my journey to ease my lust. For instance, I could form a great, outstanding relationship with some woman whom I might find exceptionally attractive – and recognizing her as attractive, I* might continue to lust in my heart*…or worse, physically through masturbation.
I’m not sure why I mention this priest except that I somehow feel that if someone was able to confront my “lesser” sin of lust upfront and directly, I might have avoided falling into mortal sin.
Then again, maybe not. I recognize that I did what I did because a deep part of me lost faith and hope. I was and am depressed because my job will likely be eliminated at the end of the year, and I’m anxious about the future. I tried praying, tried consoling myself to the fact that the future is in God’s hands, the Lord’s will be done, but no matter what I did or prayed, my mind and body yearned for pleasure. It’s a shame that I am so fickle and that I willingly jeopardize my eternal soul for something so fleeting as pleasure, but that, unfortunately, is who I have been for so long.
I tell myself that God and this religion are the only things I truly care about…but *I only need to wait until the worst of times *to find out that that’s not entirely true.
(If you read all of this – thank you.)