The Top 100 Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord

Weird what you find cruising along the information highway.

The Top 100 Things I’d Do
If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord

*]My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.
*]My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
*]My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
*]Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
*]The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
*]I will not gloat over my enemies’ predicament before killing them.
*]When I’ve captured my adversary and he says, “Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?” I’ll say, “No.” and shoot him. No, on second thought I’ll shoot him then say “No.”
*]After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks’ time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
*]I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled “Danger: Do Not Push”. The big red button marked “Do Not Push” will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.
*]I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum – a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

Of course, this will make resulting movies much duller. Those are just the top 10 from a top 100 list.

:rotfl: I’ve run across that list before. Always good for a chuckle.

:: Snerk-snerk-snerk:: I’m minded of something that happened to me while playing The Matrix Online: My best friend and mentor, and I had encountered a long time mutual enemy and we were listening to her harangue about her plans to overthrow the leader of the organization we belonged to (one of the main characters in the official story, no less), and set herself up as the new leader. The moment she stopped for breath (or hit the Enter key to start another block paragraph of nonsense that exceeded the chat window character limit) I said “Hollywood Villain cliche #1: Reveal your plans in a long monologue.” That shut her up and considering how long my friend took to put in his two cents, I suspect he was laughing his butt off. I guess said enemy had never read this list.

First things first. I’m a female. But I think we make the worst Evil Overlords.

If I ever became an evil Overlord, I would summon my favorite actor to my palace and anoint him as my Evil Underlord. I would require him to read the Little House books to me daily in his gravelly voice, and to use his ice-blue eyes to melt my enemies down into pools of goo, which would be recycled into carpets for my palace and 2 liter pop bottles to quench my unholy thirst for Mountain Dew.

I would graciously allow my Evil Underlord to move his wife and family, including his extended family, into a wing of my palace, and they would be under my protection. Touch them, you’re carpet and pop bottles.

And I would end all abortion in my domain. After all, if everyone is killed before they’re ever born, I would have no one by my side to help me wage battles, and for that matter, I would have no enemies to do battle with. So abortion is banned. If my enemies don’t like it, they’ll be carpets and pop bottles.

Oh, I would also allow my Evil Underlord to continue making movies and doing television series. And I would immediately uncancel The Unit and make sure that my Evil Underlord appears without a shirt in every episode.

Bwoo ha ha!

If I were an Evil Overlord, I would certainly come prepared to that “final battle” with my Ultimate Enemy. I would definitely not bother engaging in any cool martial arts-type battle with him. Those always end up bad for Evil Overlords. I would bring plenty of guns and plenty of ammo. I would also make sure that I was never alone with said Ultimate Enemy–that always ends up bad for the Evil Overlord. I would be sure to have an extra stash of fully armed evil henchmen to help me quickly kill this Ultimate Enemy without any fancy, flashy fights at all. Just bang-bang, it’s over. :shrug:

As talked about in the movie 'the incredibles" I would avoid monolouging.

  1. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it’s too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.

Aww man! I wanted to have an evil laugh. :(:mad:
Monologues do suck though. It’s really better to be some cold bishie silent killer. :stuck_out_tongue:

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