Well there’s no trouble, really. More like … “The trouble with God’sPrincess is…”
As a relatively new Catholic, my biggest struggle is Mass. I know that sounds silly and probably really horrible, but… for me I have an issue getting to Mass. The problem isn’t transport, it isn’t any physical ailments or any other valid excuse except for that when I wake up on Sunday mornings, I flatly don’t want to go.
I have struggled with this for a long time. Once I am there, I love it, don’t get me wrong. It is just the getting there part. I feel overcome by darkness on Sunday mornings. I feel negative and lethargic and think, “Nah, don’t go… go next week… or go thru the week…” (Despite the fact that I know I will not go during the week) I fight it a lot better these days and infact, I haven’t missed Mass since August (I missed Mass a few times in August since I was in Thailand and couldn’t find a Catholic Church anywhere!) …
It even went so far sometimes that I’d drive my car all the way to the intersection where I drive thru the traffic lights and am at my church, or I could turn left and go to the mall, or worse, straight back home. Sometimes I’d get in the car and drive almost all the way there and turn left thinking, “Meh, what’s one week of Mass going to hurt” … and before I knew it one week would turn in to two, and so on until I was completely out of communion not only with God but also the church.
I do still struggle. It’s not easy, for some reason I play games in my head like a battle of good and evil. “Go, no don’t go…” etc… I am a late night person so naturally I hate waking up before 10 on Sundays… but I also overthink it too much. So I devised a plan. I set my alarm for 9:50am, Mass starts at 10:30. It gives me 15 minutes to get dressed (yep, no sunday special outfit for me) do my hair and get going and 10 minutes to get there. This way I don’t overthink it, because I am in such a rush and still bleary-eyed, I get there just in time to have been woken up properly without the arguments in my head.
The huge breakthru is that this morning and last sunday, I woke up at 8:30am, I got dressed, showered, felt good and started that internal Sunday morning battle where I was so ready to just fall back in to bed. And I imagined in my head, how Jesus would be feeling, waiting at the altar for me and me doing him the rude injustice of not turning up to break bread with him. That was enough to propel me out of my lazy armchair and in to my car and rush to church to celebrate The Mass.
The point is, after alll this time, despite my struggles with Mass sometimes, I think I finally realise the actual significance of it. It felt like it was some kind of epiphany, a lightbulb moment… and because of this, I think it is going to make my weekly struggle more managable… Or at least I pray so.
I know that weekly Mass will probably help tackle that… so maybe my next mission is to make it to one or two weekday Masses…
Does anyone else have this ridiculous struggle?