So, as many of you here…I’m trying really hard to discern my vocation. I’m 23 now and I don’t yet have a college degree. Took some time off after High School, ended up enrolling in the program of Political Science and Government at 19, but that didn’t work out. Wasn’t my thing. Switched to Philosphy for a semester, but that wasn’t it, either. So at 22, I dropped out (last December).
I decided to take a year to figure out what I want, but all this time I’ve been working (yoga instructor and studio administrator). My job (the administration bit) is really suffocating me…something’s really off there, my boss is a really tough person to deal with, and I’m just getting a tiny bit tired of having to deal with people with such different faith to my own. I’ve worked there for over a year, and I have finally decided to quit. I’m talking to my boss this Tuesday.
I’m worried because I need the money. I need to save both for school (on the occassion I go back) and to travel (in a long distance relationship - my boyfriend lives in the States and will be off to grad school for a Masters of Divinity program in Notre Dame). By quitting my job I’m also giving in to the possibility of not seeing him in a long time and of not having enough money for school. Somehow I feel that uncertainty is what I have to give in to. I feel God’s asking me to trust Him and go for it.
I’m trying to figure out if He’s asking me to go for…Theology, as well. I’ve been thinking for quite a few months now, if that’s what I’m called to do. I’m a Catholic convert, I was an atheist for 7 years (was a non-practicing Catholic before that) and came back to Church roughly a year ago. It’s wonderful. Finding God, finally feeling His presence was the most amazing thing I’ve ever experienced. Never in my life have I felt happier.
But I have a lot of doubts regarding this…I am very scared. As you can see, I have a habit of starting something, realizing it’s not my thing, and quitting. I was just having a conversation with my mom and she told me that that’s my pattern and that that’s what I’ll end up doing. She’s not a practicing Catholic and is very much against the Church in many ways. She doesn’t understand my experience of God, and it breaks my heart that I can’t share this with her. But at the same time, it scares me…what if she’s right? What if I quit this too?
All my life all I have known for certain is that I have a very strong calling to serve. When I was very little I wanted to become a nun and go work with Mother Teresa of Calcutta. Then I also wanted to become a priest and was very upset when I realized I couldn’t because I was a girl. As I grew older, I became very analytical and logical, which is what made me question God’s existance. But now I’m back, and I’m back “full force”…I want to know everything about Him, I want to really immerse myself in the study of God, in Christology, in learning everything about Jesus Christ. He’s been my role model my whole life, even through those years of atheism (yeah, I was a weird “atheist”)…I feel I want to do this. But I have so, so many doubts. I don’t know if my doubts are coming from everyone else questioning my motives, or if theyre coming from myself.
If I study Theology, I would like to then get a Masters in Humanitarian Aid. I really like how those two can compliment each other…my parish priest, who has become a good friend of mine, told me that he sees me working in social work. I agree, it’s something I’ve always enjoyed, and it’s always a very profound experience for me.
It’s so hard for me to understand this…I want to say: ‘I feel this is what I want to do’, but I also want to say ‘I think this is what I want to do…?’ I don’t know if this doubt are actual warning signs, or if it’s just my mind making me unable to see clearly because of all the fear that’s there.
Any advice? Have any of you experienced this? Is there anyone out there that’s a Theology major that would have a few things to say? I still have some months to make up my mind regarding Theology…but, gosh, it’s so tough.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated. And, please, send some prayers my way. I’m very much in need of those Thanks so much in advance, and God bless.