We got one of the rats in the crawlspace, I went down to check yesterday and saw that the whole block of poison had been eaten and there was a fly and it smelled like something had died.
Unfortunately my son did not come home on time to check for the dead body to remove it, and put down more poison, and there are passageways from the crawlspace to the kitche n, which I just blocked by stuffing them full of old grocery store bags as the stench was overwhelmingly and leading me to fear. Not a pleasant thing to breathe in the smell of dead rat at 2 a.m. when alone and I had gone to sleep in a discouraged mood.
May I say that Mr. Anathema Sit was present to my mind as I struggled with frightening thoughts?–I just noticed that he was just on line. Also St. Teresa of Avila; and St. Terese of Lisieux (sp?), the latter leading me back to desperation as I fear that my soul WAS destroyed by what happened to me through the fellow at the state hospital, when I think back to a certain period in my life that followed. I was led to evil thoughts and deeds.
Last night I was remembering how I started to get carried away by the music at a large mall when with a Christian (?) friend from the state hospital around that time, and had the terrible feeling that I was going to lose control of my body and break into wild gyrations; as I had had about 5 fits in which I lost physical control due to the physical damage from the overdose. I am looking at everything, all of it, and praying my version of the rosary, which I know is not the correct one but it helps me, and asking for the interecession of St. Michael the Archangel in my own life and in the lives of everyone touched by the terrible evil that befell me pursuant to the suicide attempt and going to the state hospital. I was only 24. Everything since that time has been affected. I don’t know how my husband figures into it, I prayed for him for about 45 minutes last night and came up empty-handed, still not understanding whether he is a good man somewhere in his heart who was affected by the evil in me or a bad one who was taking advantage, and fearing that our marriage is not valid and that our son is (this thought has worried me many times) the chilld of fornication. I was told in my heart just two nights ago that he, my son, had received the call, I know he had not yet before that, which would mean that he would follow the Lord, I don’t know about these matters and it scares me.
My husband himseld saif when we first met that he thought I was possessed, I thought he was joking. He seemed relieved yesterday when I said (he called to discuss the rodent problem) that I was praying for hm. He seemed calmed by this. I’m not going to detail his present activities but I truly fear there is no saving our marriage, that I was living in a dream to think it would all come out right in the end, and what does this mean for our son? As I said, I went to sleep (downstairs in the living room as there are still rats on the roof over my bedroom and I’m afraid to sleep in there now, they wake me up) in a state of discouragement, and that smell when I woke up just now took me to some very bad places in my mind. I must have been breathing it in all night.
When I look at how much evil I have been in, what I have done, what others have done to me, and what I have experienced in my mind, I fear that not only am I lost but my son is also, I don’t know what to think about my husband, please pray for me.
I killed a rat with a trap about ten years ago, then we had a pet mouse who died an early death, then there was a dead armadillo in the back yard which I moved when it was almost in putrefaction because I was scared of it, these things upset me. Please pray.