Things are out of control


#1

for some of you whove read my previous posts, well, things have not gotten better. married 5 months, and my husband refuses to stop looking at pornography.

i finally went to my church again to talk about an anullment, and i ended up meeting with a very old and very orthodox monsignor, who told me that my situation is not course for anullment, and that my primary duty as wife is to ensure my husband gets to heaven, no matter what.

he did say however, “i dont recall anything in the Bible about wives always having to take thier husbands on a mission with them…, do you??” he then gave me the name of an interfaith group of people traveling to africa for 24 days on a mission. so i took care of odds and ends here, and i went so that i could serve others who are in a much worse situation than me, to give my life perspective as he suggested.

i get back about 2 days ago, and while sorting through mail, i find a CITATION from the tallahassee police for “Noise Violation” and something else for about 500$. i read the complaint, and it said the police were called to my house for a noise disturbance and when they arrived, a party was going on—very loud.

so i find out my husband threw a football party for last saturdays FSU game, and invited like 35-40 people, some of which were UNMARRIED couples who he let stay over here in the same room and bed. i cant believe that he would let that kind of thing go on in my own house when he knows my views on that.

he told me that when i start paying the mortgage, then he’ll consider consulting me on who can and cant stay over while im away.

the complaint also cited that the arriving officers found two girls “making out” together while the guys there watched and cheered in front of everyone. i am completely horrified at what went on while i was gone. i am horrified that he would allow that to go on in our house, and actually enjoy watching that filth.

he just wont be reasonable. we still havent had sex in about 4 1/2 months, he wont stop watching porn, and he just does as he pleases all the time. and im supposed to try and get him to heaven? how on earth am i going to do that???


#2

I would suggest this. Go to www.jimmyakin.org. Click on email me (its on the left) and send him an email about the situation. Try to be concise, but also say what you’ve said here. He can’t always answer questions, but this is the sortof question he does usually answers when he does. He also tends to give pretty good advice.

In my prayers.


#3

Only what the Saints have done.
My heart goes out to you, and I do know some of what you are going through. My ex-husband was also addicted to pornography ( he had other problems, one of which was refusing to have children, having been sexually abused, and more…) and I know how it feels.
First of all, demands are futile. Moratoriums are a set up for failure. You might point out how much this hurts you, and if the opportunity is right, why pornography is both sinful and harmful.
The example of a chaste life, lived in love, is the best course. And prayer. None of the Saints who converted their spouses succeeded with anger, hurt, indignity, …
They prayed, all day every day. They offered their suffering for their husband’s salvation. They loved them anyway. I still love my ex-husband, but he was too broken to live a “normal” life, and last I heard he was on the streets. I pray for him everyday, and though I will probably not see the effects of my prayers in this life, surely I will in the next.
Pornography is one of Satan’s favorite tools. Realize that you are not up against your husband, you are truely, literaly up against Satan, and only spiritual remedies will be of any benefit.
Refusing to have sex is not helping the situation at all. He is your husband , and you do not have a “right” to withhold yourself indefinitely because of anger. You have to love him, with everything that that entails, or you will certainly lose him.
Life is not easy, it is very hard. We all suffer (thank God), and it is only through accepting that suffering and joining it to the cross that we can hope for our own salvation.


#4

Peace be with you!

I know you’ve probably been doing this already, but pray pray pray! I get the impression your husband is not a Catholic, so I understand that if that is the case, it would be difficult to talk with him about this stuff. I’ll be praying for you!

In Christ,
Rand


#5

Can you take that police report back to the monsignor?

Perhaps now, he would see there are grounds for an annulment.

Good golly, 5 months married…is he really a Jekyl and Hyde?
Did you have no inkling whatsoever the time you were dating/engaged that he was into pornography or had these views about open sex/parties?
Did you go through marriage prep where finances and who owns what and who has which rights gets covered?

I’m not asking so much for you to answer specifically, but as FOCCUS advisors for engaged couples in our church, what you’ve described here would have come out in marriage prep…so I’m dismayed to learn that you were either blindsighted by your husband after your courtship or that the church let you down by not flushing this out for you before you said “I do.”

Do write to Jimmy Akin…I’m certain he can help you.
He just published a book on annulments - it’s available through Catholic Answers. Click here for the link. (I just ordered two for my brothers).

By the way, how did you like the mission trip?


#6

I dont think being confrontational will Help
I know it is a hard situation
How ever, you might be able to win him over
by Love and Prayer
This is a habit that your husband picked up
over a long period I guess
U need Christ’s Saving Grace to
free your family from such shackles
There are many who have this kind of
problem. U are not alone
Try to find out if he has deep frustration and
or something missing that led him to these habits

I would say take this as a mission and challenge to
win your husband over
And yet it will indeed be a long hard battle
You need PATIENCE
Dont jump to quick solutions like immediate
Annulment
Take this situation as a God’s gift to you
may be God knows that you are the only
person who can win this guy over for God
There is a purpose for your marriage
Thank God for your husband
Forgive him urself and ask for God’s forgiveness

Every one has their weakness
Understand that both of you are thinking and living at 2 levels

Persuade him lovingly to go for some retreat or confession

all the Best


#7

SeminoleGirl,

First of all, you have my prayers and my sympathy.

I’d like to be very direct: Your husband is a sex addict, pure and simple. This, coupled with his drinking problems and gambling problems, means that he is spiraling out of control and likely needs a significant stay at an in-patient treatment facility.

I would suggest that you meet with a therapist AS SOON AS POSSIBLE to discuss an intervention strategy. Usually, this means pulling together people who he respects and confronting him lovingly but firmly with the effects of his behavior on others, and then giving him the ultimatum to enter treatment that day, or risk losing every person he cares about. However, you will need professional help to set something like this up…

As a psychologist, I can’t stress highly enough that your husband needs to hit “bottom” – and fast. You can aid in that process by helping him accept the consequences of his behavior rather than putting up with it.

As an addict, he is completely disconnected from God, and has made his addictions his god. Until he gets sober, he is very unlikely to use his free will to choose the spiritual healing that will need to come about as a result of his behavior.

Perhaps if–and this is a big IF–he “comes to” and begins actively working a recovery program, he can return to being the man you love. In fact, if this happens, I’d say there are decent odds that your relationship could work out. However, if he doesn’t, you would be best advised to get yourself out of this type of environment, at least until he wakes up.

Please prayerfully consider taking significant and decisive action. In doing so, you may literally be saving his life.

Holy Mary, Our Lady of the Rosary, pray for us, SeminoleGirl and her husband in this hour of need.

In Him,
JP Augustine


#8

Tell me more about the mission you went on. Did it give you a chance to reflect at all? What were your thoughts before you came back and found out about the party and citation?


#9

Seminole girl…How did you end up with a guy who treats you so badly? Did you parents warn you about him? Did your friends approve? It’s hard to believe there were no red flags with his reprehensible behavior.

I hate to call your husband a sex addict…it implies (to me) that he is not responsible for his behavior…he can’t help it…I don’t buy that stuff for a minute. He’s doing what he wants and he really doesn’t care how it affects you.

There is no way I would be engaging in sex with a husband who was so blatantly involved with porn and parties. Why should you risk bringing a child into this disaster?

I encourage you to talk to someone else besides your monsiengnor…maybe someone who specializes in marriage problems.


#10

First off, you may want to read about what an annulment actually is:

ewtn.com/library/YOUTH/DIVOANNU.TXT
ewtn.com/library/ANSWERS/EXPLAIN.HTM
zenit.org/english/visualizza.phtml?sid=59266
ewtn.com/library/PAPALDOC/JP2ROTA.HTM

You may want to also visit these websites:
theologyofthebody.com/
pureloveclub.com/

Also, please pray to St. Monica for your husband:
catholic-forum.com/saints/saintm04.htm

Please seek out a good priest to discuss your situation.

May St. Monica pray for your husband and Mary keep you both.


#11

[quote=newf]I hate to call your husband a sex addict…it implies (to me) that he is not responsible for his behavior…he can’t help it…I don’t buy that stuff for a minute. He’s doing what he wants and he really doesn’t care how it affects you.
[/quote]

I have to disagree…being an addict doesn’t meant that you’re not responsible for your behavior. Rather, the problem with many relationships where there is addiction present is that the partner allows the behavior to continue and not force the addict to face the consequences of their behavior.

Sex addiction is a common–and well documented–disorder, and one that is extremely serious. It has all the impact upon a partner that any other addiction does – except because sex is involved, it perhaps hurts the partner even worse (as Seminole has said herself).

As you state, professional intervention is required here…and fast.

JPA


#12

The party thing may or may not have been as bad as you think. IT is not what a respectable Catholic/Christian would be associated with.

You never did say whether your spouse is Catholic or even Christian. It sounds like he is not.

It doesn’t make it any better or worse, but may explain his lack of moral character. I don’t think going away for a while was a good idea, that just gave him more free rein to do whatever he wants.

Withholding sex is not a good idea also. IF he does not get his ‘needs’ met at home he will most definitely look else where, You will be giving him an excuse to go out and cheat. No it will not be your fault IF he cheats, but it will just make the situation much worse.

It appears he does not have much holding him back from doing just abiout anything he wants, so a few weeks without sex will just may push him further out the door.

You will be getting the exact opposite effect of what you are trying to accomplish.

It seems that your marriage is lacking mutual respect, love, and affection. Can you even talk to him without getting into a big argument ? My guess is that you can not. How much communication is going on here ? Before you can get anywhere, some sort of dialogue has to take place.

He does not understand where you are coming from and you certainly don’t understand his side. This does NOT mean you have to agree with him, or change your position.

BOTH of you have let this get out of hand. Not to have sex for months for folks who are newly wed is just insane. There has to be some sort of compromise to resolve this. You need a marriage counselor and fast.
wc


#13

Married 5 months and it’s like this? How much longer are you willing to put up with this? It doesn’t sound to me like he ever intended marriage; just my opinion but I’d be looking at the possibility of nullity.


#14

WC, you are a good guy and all, but don’t you think it would be crazy to risk bringing children into a situation like this? It would be one thing for her to be a martyr and stay in this marriage for the sake of helping her husband get to heaven, as her well-intentioned priest advised; however I think it would be seriously wrong to put herself in a position where she would br bringing children into the world and such a household. From all that we have read over the months, it sounds like her “husband” never had any intention of being half of a valid marriage.


#15

WC,

I woud also like to add that she is not under any obligation to have relations with someone who may transmit a serious and potentially deadly disease to her.

Additionally, implying that the presence or absence of sex relations in the marriage is somehow contributing to her husband’s affairs is like saying that she’s driving him to drink. It is utterly preposterous!

Under that line of thinking, it makes it “understandable” if your wife were to become unfaithful to you because you’re sick and unable to provide the sexual part of your relationship. Gimme a break. :mad:

Shifting blame like that to her is inappropriate and just plain wrong on many levels.

JPA


#16

WC,

Catholics don’t have sex.
They share in a marital embrace with God.

Big difference.

No God.
No relations.

I see no God in her husband’s behavior or attitude toward her therefore she is not obliged to make her body available to his lustful desires.


#17

JP Augustine…thank you for clarifying that the sex addict **is **responsible for his behavior. I stand corrected.

And I agree completely with your comment:
"[font=Arial]Additionally, implying that the presence or absence of sex relations in the marriage is somehow contributing to her husband’s affairs is like saying that she’s driving him to drink. It is utterly preposterous! "[/font]
Preposterous indeed. I wish our OP could find a counselor like you.


#18

Married 5 months and it’s like this? How much longer are you willing to put up with this? It doesn’t sound to me like he ever intended marriage; just my opinion but I’d be looking at the possibility of nullity.

This attitude really and truly amazes me! I have seen it expressed in this thread a couple of times now. Where in ones vows was there a loop hole to bail out when times got really tough? Who knows but that God has these two together so the wife can bring her unbeleiving husband Home to the Church!

No God.
No relations.

I personally am not to sure about this one! If the husband is abusing her sexually, then I would say I dont think she is obligated. But if he is not, then she should give herself to him. She can begin to show him what true love is and what a true marriage is.

To Seminole Girl,
I am not saying things WILL for sure get better. But I am not saying they will NOT. God can do anything he wants including changing your husbands heart.

Here is what I would do. Go through your house with Holy Water and pray the Saint Michael prayer. Consecrate your home to the Sacred Heart of Jesus and the Immaculate Heart of Mary. If you want your husband to change, you must, I repeat YOU MUST be serious about it. Go to confession on a weekly basis and make sure you are in Mass every Sunday even if he is not with you. Offer up the Mass for your husband every Sunday and any other time you go. The Graces you will receive through the Sacraments will greatly benefit your husband, even if he is not there! Pray a weekly, if not daily, rosary for the salvation of your husband. God will hear your prayers and the intercession of the saint is so strong. Don’t nag your husband, I know this will be difficult, but continue on being a witness to the Faith, even if a silent witness. Your husband may need psychological help…but that is NOT the first step. If he needs that type of help then he must be willing to help himself…pray first and ask God for His guidance. Prayer is the first step.
Oh, I almost forgot. If you can spend at least one hour per week praying before the Most Sacred Host. And, don’t forget, pray for yourself that God will give you the grace, patience and forgiveness you will need to undertake this task. I encourage you to go forward with this. With God’s help you can do this! Your priest is right. As daunting of a task as it is, your goal is to get your husband to Heaven. Whatever the cost, whatever the sacrifice. I am not saying to endure abuse from him, I think you see where I am coming from.

Also, I will make sure to pray for you and offer up a Mass for you. Please feel free to pm me and I will do anything I can to support you through this. I end this with the words of Saint Paul.

If any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he consents to live with her, she should not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband is consecrated through his wife, and the unbelieving wife is consecrated through her husband. Otherwise, your children would be unclean, but as it is they are holy. But if the unbelieving partner desires to separate, let it be so; in such a case the brother or sister is not bound. For God has called us to peace. 1 Corinthians 7:13-15


#19

[quote=YinYangMom]WC,

Catholics don’t have sex.
They share in a marital embrace with God.

Big difference.

No God.
No relations.

I see no God in her husband’s behavior or attitude toward her therefore she is not obliged to make her body available to his lustful desires.
[/quote]

:amen:

I also agree that it would be terrible to bring a child into this situation.

malia


#20

I personally am not to sure about this one! If the husband is abusing her sexually, then I would say I dont think she is obligated. But if he is not, then she should give herself to him. She can begin to show him what true love is and what a true marriage is.

I think I actually agree with this. When they entered into marriage, God made the two flesh one. They cannot be seperated. When God has joined two together, they are joined, whether one of them believes it or not. Therefore, I would say that both parties are obligated to fulfill their union as God intended it. Simply because one party has suddenly decided that God needs no place in the union, it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. It has to be lived out.

That being said, if it turns out the fellow didn’t simply suddenly decide, but had always had the idea that God had no place in things, that’s a little different, and perhaps the union never really existed, in which case their is no binding.


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