Things still horrible in marriage


#1

I want to thank you guys for your prayers. I wanted to update. The time is coming up where my husband says were are “over”. One minute he’s great, the next he’s giving up on us and mad because I made spaghetti for lunch and I should have known he wouldn’t have wanted that.

Then tonight, we were watching something on Revelations, and I said to him doesn’t that scare you? Why don’t you want to go and clean up your act, get blessed in the church and stop using bc? He said I don’t have to do those things. I said well you will be sorry in the rapture, but if that happened hopefully you would turn then to God and save yourself from hell.

His response, “I’m already in hell and I’ve been there for the last 7 years being married to you” :crying:

Then he’s joking around 5 minutes later. What is he in male menopause? Now he just told me he’s counting the days (literally) till he gets rid of us.


#2

Please get some counseling for yourself. Don’t stay in an abusive situation.


#3

I don’t know what the background is between you abd your husband regarding the bc/blessed in church thing, but if you are a Catholic, what in the world are you doing nagging your husband using “the rapture”, considering that the rapture is not a required part of Catholic theology?


#4

I am not Catholic. My husband is. He has nothing to do with the church though and pressured me to have an abortion, uses abc when I dont’ like it, and promised that he would get us blessed in the church after I completed RCIA and then “changed his mind”. He does nothing in terms of donating his time or money to the church and has even said he doesnt’ care at all about the church.

He put something on (not me) about the rapture/end times, and I mentioned who knows when the end will come - why as a Catholic do you want to be doing all these mortal sins - if it comes tomorrow I would fear for you. He said he doesnt’ care and doesn’t fear or care what the Bible says and that he’s already in hell with me. That is where this came from.


#5

Dear sister…
That is BAD… :frowning: no excuses for him. Yes, you gotta let him know that you will not tolerate such talk in the house and in front of your kid(s)… You really should not put up with it.
If you know you are doing your best and you dont say similar stupid things to him, you have a right to be treated with respect. Seek counselling and if he does not want to come then you have to sit down with him and talk CALMLY about where he sees the marriage going. Do that in one of his good moments…

Grace.


#6

It sounds to me like he never grew up, and seriously doesn’t know his faith.

If he is abusing you, you need to get out. If he has been like this since your marriage started, then should you wish to become Catholic and re-marry it sounds as if you would have good grounds for an annulment.

You won’t be able to ‘scare’ him, or shame him about what he is doing or has done. Those kind of results tend to come about through personal reflection, without pressure, and when the person has a desire to know God more deeply.

Do you really want to stay with such an abusive person?


#7

His treatment of you is totally unacceptable and is abusive. What’s more, if he is a Catholic and you were not marrried in the Church and are still needing to have the marriage convalidated, which he appears unwilling to do, you are not validly married to him, just legally married. Why are you staying with him?


#8

Our 3 year old. Also, I don’t think it’s acceptable for him to make promises and renig on them. He should be making an effort to grow up and rapir the marriage, not walk out because he got what he wanted and is done. Even our priest has told him this.


#9

You’r not going to make him do what you think he should, sounds like from what you are saying he doesn’t care what you think.:shrug:


#10

From Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft:

In one important way, an abusive man works like a magician: His tricks largely rely on getting you to look off in the wrong direction, distracting your attention so that you won’t notice where the real action is. He draws you into focusing on the turbulent world of his feelings to keep your eyes turned away from the true cause of his abusiveness, which lies in how he thinks. He leads you into a convoluted maze, making your relationship with him a labyrinth of twists and turns. He wants you to puzzle over him, to try to figure him out, as though he were a wonderful but broken machine for which you need only to find and fix the malfunctioning parts to bring it roaring to its full potential. His desire, though he may not admit it even to himself, is that you wrack your brain in this way so that you won’t notice the patterns and logic of his behavior, the consciousness behind the craziness.

Above all, the abusive man wants to avoid having you zero in on his abusiveness itself. So he tries to fill your head up with excuses and distortions and keep you weighed down with self-doubt and self-blame. And, unfortunately, much of the society tends to follow unsuspectingly along behind him, helping him to close your eyes, and his own, to his problem.


There are some signs of manipulation by abusers that you can watch out for:

Changing his moods abruptly and frequently, so that you find it difficult to tell who he is or how he feels, keeping you constantly off balance. His feelings for you are especially changeable.


#11

The only other thing I will comment on is this: since it as a TV show on Revelations that was the “trigger” for this incident, perhaps the two of you should change what you watch on TV. Do you get EWTN? If so, try watching that together (if he is open to watching something about Revelations, he obviously is not totally against watching religious-type programming, it seems to me) and see if that has a positive effect on him.

But definitely have an “escape plan” ready for you and your son in case the verbal abuse should ever escalate into physical abuse.

The other thing I would ask is whether or not these incidents are alcohol-related or not.


#12

Thanks Just Lurking! That was helpful. This man is an abuser. His “changing the goalposts” tactic is well known. It’s a manipulation that keeps YOU on guard jumping through HIS hoops till you completely forget what your own needs are. So busy jumping to his tune, you don’t have your own tune. And you wonder what YOU could do to make the marriage work and to keep him. Why do you want to keep a man who doesn’t keep his promises, expects you to read his ever-changing mind, forces you to be sexually available to him without chance of pregnancy, FORCED you to kill your own child, verbally abuses you and doesn’t fear God or man?

Please, call SafePlace or an abused woman’s shelter and make a plan. He is in hell, that was a Freudian slip on his part. But it’s a hell of his own making. Hell is a place where God is not present. That is his choice.

He needs an exorcist, not a tv show. And I’m not joking. Sometimes someone can be so dead to sin that they are beyond our ability to fix them.
Don’t let him drag you down anymore. A NORMAL man would have said “Thanks for the spaghetti. It was good.”

Protect your child. Please. Protect yourself for the sake of your child.


#13

"The time is coming up where my husband says were are “over”. "

Only my opinion but it sounds like he has already said this in various ways - verbally and physically.

You need to seek asylum for yourself and family then work on marriage. Similarly, you don’t stay in a burning house. You get out then you try to put it back together.

He may have a form of undiagnosed mental illness (too deep to get into). Illness such as depression, mania, bi-polar and schizophrenia come in many forms and knows no boundaries.

He may also just not be into the relationship for whatever reason which may or may not be known at this point.

Please seek professional help.


#14

Sometimes they are, sometimes they are not. There is no method to his madness.

Tonight he came home and spent about 2 hours complaing about people at work. Then he drank about 5 inches worth of Red label from the bottle and had 2 beers. He fell asleep on the chair and I made him go to bed. After this I was watching tv and I fell asleep. He comes bursting out of his room and screaming that he’s helled at me “32 times” and that I am a horrible (insert swear word) wife and that this is why he’s “getting rid of me”. I don’t fit with his world, bla bla bla. DRAMA QUEEN is the word that best descibes him. Because I am sleeping and didn’t hear him, it means that’s what I’ll do on his dying day and he’ll die without the help he’s calling for.

He acts like a helpless kid. This is our night. I make dinner - he wants to go for a walk (I tell him it’s cold out and will be colder than he realizes, but no we have to do what he wants and now I am worried my son will get sick - he’s been having a runny nose now.

So, back to dinner, and he complains “ohh well, you’re STILL learning” is what he says about dinner. Then, I **sit down **on the computer, and it’s “I need a napkin”. Okay, here you go. Sit down. I need water. Okay, here you go. Sit down. I need my glasses. Okay, here you go. Sit down. I need another drink. Okay, here you go - what ELSE do you want?!!?!?! Tell me now while I am up. He falls alseep on the chair. I make him go to bed. Like I said, I fall asleep and I wake up about 30 minutes later. I go sit in the chair to put tv on and he comes bursting out of his room swearing at me and this and that.

So, I should hear him when I am sleeping?? I say. It doesn’t matter, I just should have. Well, then I won’t get into this but he has some very bad disgusting habbits that all I ask if for him not to do these two things and he just did both of them, so I go into his room to tell him he can’t keep doing this and he’s passed out - like I am banging on the wall, yelling, etc - it does not work in getting him to wake up. Finally after 5 minutes I am sucessfull and he tells me to shut up and get out in two weeks - enjoy myself until then - and then the “right” woman will come and take care of him. I am not saying I was screaming at him and banging to be mean - I am trying to show how he really was passed out - I mean, un-wakeable for minutes of me rattling him and making noises.

Oh well, at least he’s not throwing things at walls and this and that like he’s been known to do.

He thinks it’s funny when he teaches our son things he shouldn’t be done (well, not teaching, but leading by bad example), and he will laugh when he follows the example.

I have no idea why I stay. I feel like a moron sometimes, but can’t seem to leave. I love him, but I HATE him too. Really, it’s like i don’t know what’s wrong with me.


#15

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I can give you a list as long as my arm of people (family and his co-workers) that would agree with this.

Unfortunately he has had a doctor that dismisses this when it’s brought up and i want to yell at the dr. that this is a SERIOUS thing going on - not just a little anger. There IS something going on. Rumor around where he works is that he is bi-polar (this is what everyone is saying behind his back). My family has asked me about this. Even he will admit this. He just seems to like it though.
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#16

I guess I’m still not seeing what’s so hard to understand about your husband’s behavior. You wait on him hand and foot. You ignore whatever you are doing to satisfy his slightest whim. The whole household revolves around him and his desires. I’m sorry, but your husband’s behavior seems perfectly rational and logical to me. You might as well wonder why the laboratory rat keeps on pushing the level that rewards him with food.

I agree with you here. Your behavior in continuing to put up with this is very confusing, and makes no sense at all. Have you tried going to individual professional counseling to help you figure it out?


#17

Why are you allowing your son to be raised in this insanity?

And stop with the Bi Polar excuse, I have a son who is Bi Polar and it makes my blood boil when someone as abusive and mainulative as your husband uses that as an excuse for their behaviour. You need to take a look at your own behaviour and figure out why you enable his behaviour! Your a mother you need to protect your son from this mess!


#18

If your husband tells you that “he is counting the days until he can rid of us” you must leave. To me this sounds like a true threat and the many ways he can get “rid of you” is too freightening to think of. Call your parents, call a friend, buy a bus ticket, just get out. Your husband will never take you seriously until you stand up for yourself and the welfare of your child.

Do not yell, do not confront him when he is drunk…just remove yourself from the house. Call a lawyer (there are legal matters to consider even if a seperation may be temporary) but do leave. Loving him does not mean to enable him. His total lack of disrespect will not only affect you it will cause your son to treat you in the same manner as he grows up and will lead him to treat other women the same way when he gets older.

You can still love him…you can still help him…but first of all you must protect yourself and your child.


#19

I should of said " his total lack of respect for you will not only affect you but your son as well etc etc…"


#20

Sweetie, I was “married to your husband.” You are enabling him and that whole “get me this, get me that” thing is maddening. Is he helpless? Are you his maid?

No, he won’t find the perfect woman to put up with this. Trust me. My xh is on his second fiancee in 9 years since the divorce. He lives with his mother who is the root cause of all this. No matter how much he abuses her and throws things at the wall, she won’t move out and let him write his own checks, make his own sandwiches and make his own coffee and make his own bed.

She can have him.

Rescue your son. You say you love your husband, but really, you hate him. You love who you used to think he was. He was never that person. That person was a fake. Once you moved in the real husband took over.

Leave before the next thing he throws at the wall is you or your child.

No sane woman puts up with that. The keeping you up at night screaming, the constant picking and criticizing… all that is to keep you off balance and rip you down in your own eyes. Get out so a new voice replaces his in your head. It will be your own teeny voice that you will finally hear saying “I have dignity. I don’t deserve to be talked to like I’m a bad dog.”

Quit making excuses for why he is an abusive jerk. Doesn’t matter if he’s bi-polar, uni-polar, non-polar, drunk, crazy, sleep deprived or calcium deficient. He’s a jerk and he doesn’t treat his mental problems to make himself socially acceptable.

Unless you want to look at your child in a few years and see the exact same behavior, take the abuser up on his offer and find a new place to live and a lawyer and a new life.

You’re used to taking care of everything. He’s not. You’ll do much better than he will alone.

I’ll tell you why you do it. You keep hoping if you scurry fast enough and placate him enough, one of these days he’ll be nice to you like it used to be. Nope. He’s got you where he wants you. He enjoys tormenting you. It’s like sex to him. He is even controlling the look on your face. He can make you cry if he wants to. He feels powerful around you. Probably the only place he feels powerful.

Next time he tells you to get him a napkin, calmly tell him they’re in the drawer by the sink or wherever. 10 to 1 he goes into a tirade about how he works all day and if he wants a napkin you can get off your @#@#@ and get him a #@$)(*#$ napkin.

He doesn’t really want a napkin. He wants to keep you from relaxing. You play into his hands.

Do you want to do this until you can’t even remember what makes you happy or relaxed? Until you are so disassociated from your own emotions and feelings that you are a shell of your former self? Aren’t you tired of tiptoeing around in your own soul?

If this were your best friend, what would you tell her to do?


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