Think I'm In Love With An Alcoholic Man


#1

:shrug:My parents have always been strict Irish Catholics who sheltered my siblings and I in a very small rural town. The only religions in my area are Catholic,Plymouth Brethren,Assembly Of God.As a grown woman I still get lectured weekly about women during Victorian times,the importance of being a virgin until marriage. Life has not been good since June for the following reasons,
-I have fallen in love with a Native American man.
-Have thoughts about giving myself up for him

BUT

When he told me to meet him at a grocery store entrance for brunch at a nearby restaurant he was very intoxicated. This was at 9:30 AM for crying out loud. I did not lose my temper or anything. Just told him to buy Folgers coffee from the grocery store,walk home and take a good nap. After that I kissed him on the cheek and walked off. This relationship sounds doomed but I love him very much. I want :shrug::shrug:to be there for him and help him with his problems. Impossible or possible


#2

Until he understands his problem and deals with it, do not get involved. Usually an alcoholic needs to hit bottom and then he will take steps to stop drinking. If you enable him in any way, it will only go badly for you and he will continue to drink.

Alcohol is particularily toxic to Native Americans. The don’t have the physical system to process it.


#3

Talk to him about this incident and ask him if he can be trusted to use alcohol responsibly or not. If he says yes, you can give him a chance. If it turns out that you can be a healthy presence in his life as he deals with a problem of addiction, abuse, or temptations toward poor judgement, that can work. When it could be a mistake rather than evidence of a warped inner life, one mistake ought not define a man's entire character. (That is, if a man shoots one of your pets or robs a grocery store, he doesn't get a second chance. Those aren't "mistakes" in the sense I mean.)

If he expects you to enable him to avoid the consequences for bad behavior, even if that is to a marginal degree and whether that bad behavior is drinking too much, spending too much, carrying on a life of crime, or any other immoral behavior, that is a deal-breaker. As it was, you rejected his bad behavior and he didn't seem to think you could be expected to do otherwise. That's a good sign, such as it is.

PS What does "giving myself up for him" mean, by the way? You are talking about entering into an exclusive but chaste relationship with this man, I hope?


#4

Stay away until he comes clean. There is NOTHING you can do or say to cure him. HE must decide for himself that he no longer wants to drink. Ever. Not "cut back", not "once in a while", but for good. There is no such thing as responsible alcohol use for an alcoholic, except to abstain completely. HE must choose this, not you for him.

The man I married became an alcoholic about 10 years into our marriage. It killed him. I am just thankful he never killed anyone else while driving intoxicated. He denied he ever had a problem.


#5

[quote="Catholic90, post:4, topic:252710"]
Stay away until he comes clean. There is NOTHING you can do or say to cure him. HE must decide for himself that he no longer wants to drink. Ever. Not "cut back", not "once in a while", but for good. There is no such thing as responsible alcohol use for an alcoholic, except to abstain completely. HE must choose this, not you for him.

The man I married became an alcoholic about 10 years into our marriage. It killed him. I am just thankful he never killed anyone else while driving intoxicated. He denied he ever had a problem.

[/quote]

Amen. I married and divorced an alcoholic. He hit bottom after I divorced him and hasn't had a drink in 20 years. However, all the abuse I put up with while he was drinking killed the marriage for me.

Alcoholics cannot drink alcohol period.


#6

[quote="Catholic90, post:4, topic:252710"]
Stay away until he comes clean. There is NOTHING you can do or say to cure him. HE must decide for himself that he no longer wants to drink. Ever. Not "cut back", not "once in a while", but for good. There is no such thing as responsible alcohol use for an alcoholic, except to abstain completely. HE must choose this, not you for him.

The man I married became an alcoholic about 10 years into our marriage. It killed him. I am just thankful he never killed anyone else while driving intoxicated. He denied he ever had a problem.

[/quote]

I greatly respect the weight of your experience, but one instance of intoxication, even at 9:30 am, does not prove alcoholism. As the alcoholism help groups put it:

You may have a drinking problem if you...

Feel guilty or ashamed about your drinking.
Lie to others or hide your drinking habits.
Have friends or family members who are worried about your drinking.
Need to drink in order to relax or feel better.
“Black out” or forget what you did while you were drinking.
Regularly drink more than you intended to

Note that they do not say "...once became so intoxicated before a brunch that your date walked out on you and rightly insisted that you walk home".

If his drinking turns out to be a habit that he "needs" or that he allows to interfere with his various duties or that results in drunkenness or is something he lies or asks her to lie about, that is something else again. I am not saying it is excusable because his was "only one instance" of public drunkenness, but that the one episode does not prove alcoholism, particularly since she has not reported that he tried to make an excuse for it once he had sobered up.


#7

Al-Anon is for the family and friends of alcoholics. But you don't have to know that someone is an alcoholic to qualify. If someone's drinking bothers you, you qualify. Al-Anon is a support group where you will find out that you don't cause someone to drink (alcoholics frequently blame others for their drinking). you can't control it, and you can't cure it. There's a lot of other stuff to learn and one of the main things is to DETACH from the alcoholic's behavior and choices, and let him/her carry the consequences of his drinking.

Al-Anon/Alateen

People who are attracted to alcoholics sometimes have alcoholism in their family of origin. Not always! Alcoholics can be fun and exciting people! :)

The meetings usually last about an hour and you should try several to see which one you like the best. Not all meetings are as recovery-based as others. Just listen and see if you can tell which meetings are going strong.

It will help you even if you don't continue with this man.

American Indians mostly lack a particular chemical to process alcohol, which is why so many of them are alcoholics, they truly cannot help it. Be advised that if he doesn't recognize his drinking as alcoholic, he will not change. And you will be in for a lot of stress and heartache.


#8

[quote="CHRISTINE77, post:5, topic:252710"]
Alcoholics cannot drink alcohol period.

[/quote]

Yes, but not everyone who has ever abused alcohol is an alcoholic.

The OP is not reporting that this was a pattern of behavior, but that the instance was egregious....and it was. Still, if this truly proves to be an isolated incident for which he makes no excuses and does not repeat, then she need not think her relationship with him is doomed if he ever takes another drink.

BTW, it is worth noticing how his friends use alcohol and what they have to say about his use when you are not around. Problem drinkers don't keep the secrets of fellow problem drinkers for very long. You have to admit your use is excessive in order to hide what is excessive in someone else. (Alcoholic? Nate's not an alcoholic! Heck, he'll only drink a half-case a weekend. Earl here drinks a whole case by himself, sometimes two! Ol' Nate is our designated driver. You don't have to worry about him!!)


#9

Yes but Native Americans really can’t drink alcohol. They truly can’t process it.

This guy may be a wonderful man, but I think the OP is in for trouble if she gets involved with him until he stops drinking.


#10

Is this man Catholic?

I notice the word “BUT” in all caps???

If he was to meet someone for brunch at 9:30 a.m. why would he show up drunk rather than with his best foot forward?

The relationship sounds “doomed?” This makes it sound like this wasn’t the only thing that has happened.

You want to “be there for him and help him with his problems?”

ARGH!!! Go buy the Dr. Laura Schlesinger book “Ten Stupid Things Women Do to Mess Up Their Lives.” After the bookstore go to the shoestore and get some good running shoes and start running the other way as fast as you can.

May I add another angle here and that is since this man is Native American, please think twice about marrying someone of another culture. I wish I could send my daughter to talk to you as that is what she did. Her NA husband is very nice but because of his culture they have totally different values and now she is paying the price. I’m not saying Native American values are wrong values, meerly different. Things that don’t seem like a big deal become huge once you are married and start having children.


#11

LEAVE him before things get serious and you cannot turn back
Leave him before you get pregnant and have to live with this alcoholic problem.


#12

If he can admit to himself and those around him that he has a problem and needs help and then goes it gets it and follows through then it could be worth it, and hopefully he will.

My aunt has been in a relationship with an alcoholic for the past 9 years. He never got help because he doesn't want to. He has spat in her face and called her names and has smacked her around. She doesn't leave though and never will.


#13

Turn around, and run.

Been there, done that, don't do it. Really, love is an act of will, not an emotional state. And it is extremely difficult to love someone who abuses their body and the relationships around them on a regular basis.

There are other men out there who are wonderful and don't have alcohol problems.

~Liza


#14

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